Just broke it off with fiance...
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| Tue, 02-12-2008 - 4:47pm |
Hi everyone,
I'm not really sure the purpose of my message, except to share my story and maybe receive some feedback as to where to go from here. My fiance and I weren't engaged for that long (since December 1st), and I had some issues about his past--namely, that he dragged his heels for two years to get a divorce from his (now)ex-wife, and so his divorce is/was very fresh. That created a very tumultuous and unsettled beginning to our relationship, and I think we just never fully recovered, despite having a strong love for one another.
There were many good things about us and him. He has full custody of two children, and he does try to provide for his children. He works hard. He is very in touch with his emotions and is romantic. But ultimately, we were just too different.
He had a Jekyll/Hyde personality. He would get very, very upset with his children and spank them (with a belt!), yell at them, and then turn to me immediately and speak lovingly to me. It was kind of frightening to see veins popping in his forehead and then a few seconds later see him try to be loving towards me--not to mention that I completely disagreed with his parenting style. He often dumped his kids on other relatives to spend time with me, and was very clingy. When I suggested he spend more time with his kids, he would say, "I know," and then continue to try to dominate my time.
He also would take a temper with me, and get inordinately angry. When I pointed it out, he would acknowledge it, and say he would "work on it." It got to the point to where I told him at some point, I wouldn't be able to take it anymore. I finally reached that threshold after getting tired of hearing about MY faults, MY weaknesses, over and over again. I realize I am fallible, but constantly receiving a barrage of insults and nitpicking criticism tears me down. He would then immediately revert back to "I love you, you're the most wonderful woman," and just leave me bewildered and shaking my head.
Another issue is my anorexia. I was recently diagnosed with anorexia, in large part triggered by him. He LOVES it when I am severely underweight--we are talking chest bones sticking out, ribs and hip bones bared, so forth. When I became aware of the situation, and when my family stepped in, I pointed out to him I was unhealthy--he didn't necessarily agree, of course, but he said, "ok, I want you to be healthy." And then completely ignored it, and continued to make comments about how he loves me skeletal (not exact words, but close). It's ridiculous. I continue to have anorexia. I need a support system around me that will help me TRULY be healthy, not just pay me lip service.
I haven't even mentioned our different lifestyles: I'm college-educated, he's not; I like healthy lifestyles, (when not anorexic!), he is overweight (obese, actually) and was a smoker until he quit about three weeks ago, etc. He has little ambition while I have tons.
When I finally made the decision to end it, I was so nervous because of his reaction. I made the decision to do it over the phone for this very reason--his unpredictability and temper. He, of course, insulted me and was so very cruel, but it was done. This morning. Later this afternoon he emailed me, saying he wants the ring back and his key back, and he will give me my stuff, and we need to arrange for a swap--he has the stuff in his car and can do it today. I'm like, Heck No! I'm not on HIS schedule anymore. I emailed him back very politely, saying I think it is best we mail the items back to one another, with confirmation numbers and insurance, and verified addresses. He emailed back with more insults but ultimately agreed to mailing the items. I think he was just looking for an excuse to see me in person to insult me some more.
To think, I was going to marry this man! I didn't even mention he admits he is still "emotionally traumatized" by his previous marriage, AND I loaned him over a thousand dollars (terrible mistake, I know). He SAYS he will send me payments but I am FULLY prepared to accept he loss, and learn my life lesson.
As to how I feel, I guess relief. And fear. He's so unpredictable. He has a phone under my family plan with Sprint, and he can run up the minutes if he so chooses. I tried to cancel it but it will cost $200 to break the contract. He *says* he will send it back but who knows? What should I do? Pony up the $200 to cancel his phone? Wait to see if he will send it back, and risk him doing something very damaging?
I'm relieved I don't have to deal with the stress of him anymore, though. I'm almost 28 and honestly, if I'm single forever, then fine. I know I am a strong, independent woman who is fully capable of supporting myself.
What should I do if he tries to contact me? And what should I do if he refuses to send back my phone and my remote (which opens the gate to my apt. complex and my garage)?
Thanks for any advice.

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Hello. I have a few suggestions for you. Hopefully you'll have a few for me. I am in the same boat you were.
Maybe you can change his cell phone plan into one of the kid connect plans where they have a set monthly payment but very limited minutes. Personally
Laurie,
Thanks so much for writing back. I was feeling so alone there, even though I know I just posted my message and it's a long one...
Thanks for the advice about paying the $200 and being done with it. I wrote a message to my cell phone carrier explaining the situation and asking it be forwarded to a manager, since the agents on the phone were not helpful. If it's not resolved in that manner, then I'll just pay the cash.
As far as your situation goes, please just end it. Your health is not worth it. Do not let that man manipulate you. Your child and his children will survive the break-up. I felt guilt about breaking it off with my fiance because I became close to his two children, but I knew in my heart I couldn't stay with him solely because of his children. It's not worth MY well-being.
And from what you describe, your soul is being torn to pieces and your health and well-being is declining. I dated a man like that...he gave me severe anxiety attacks. I told myself, never again. So when I realized this relationship was turning into a stressful one, I put my foot down. When no changes came about, I ended it. Now I have learned many more life lessons, and I am thankful for that and am a stronger woman. It's just a matter of logistics and loose ends...and praying he doesn't do anything stupid.
Please take my words to heart. It is a scary things to break it off, yes, but get your ducks in a row and just do it. You will feel such relief afterwards to come home and not have to DEAL WITH THE STRESS. Oh my God. I am so excited to be able to eat dinner tonight, and take a bath, and not have the heavy chains of his stress around my neck.
I wish you peace.
Welcome to the board timeofbutterflies,
You have been through so much.
Thanks, CL. He *has* been contacting me quite a bit; mainly to continue to blame and insult me, and manipulate me. Ugh! I can't believe he is acting this way, but it's just solidifying my decision even more. Any time I *have* contacted him back (once), it was just to verify that I sent out the box with the ring in it, insured, with a confirmation number. I'm still waiting for him to send my objects, including the phone and the remote. The garage is such that is it detached from my apartment, so it's only controlled by a remote; I have NO idea how I could "change" or reprogram it.
One other thing I've been dealing with is cancelling the honeymoon. My mother paid for it, and she cancelled the cottage reservations fine, but obviously the plane tickets are a bust. I changed my ticket to visit some family in June, but his ticket (for which he does not know the confirmation number, so he cannot use it) will just remain a loss. It kinda pains me to have that happen, but I suppose the loss could be much greater.
I keep expecting myself to feel a much greater grief, but overall, I feel relief. I guess I was just under so much stress from him! I have already made out a list of goals for myself, and have started to eat more in hopes of gaining weight--something I was terrified to do with him. In fact, I am eating Cheez-Its now. :) I'm also tweaking my workout schedule because I was working out like a demon; not anyone! I'm not going to kill myself anymore. I don't *have* to. The pressure is gone.
I just wish he would quit sending me these passive-aggressive, and sometimes aggressive, emails. He is just making himself look mentally unstable!
::He is just making himself look mentally unstable!
That's because he is.
Ask the apt manager about changing the code.
Consider this book:
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon
I'd feel relief also. The grief may catch up later.
OK, update:
He continues to send me very hateful messages, despite my not responding: messages about how I was unhealthy for him and his children, how I have a ton of issues, etc. Very untrue and littered with profanity. I am getting very scared at this point.
Sprint is going to take care of canceling the phone but they're very slow about it. As far as him owing me $1000, he SAYS he will send it, but that was before today's slew of hateful emails. At this point, I am tempted to block his emails entirely, and write off the thousand dollars as a very expensive life lesson. What do you all say? It seems like every time I open my e-mail, there is another hateful message from him about how terrible I am.
follow your gut, if you are getting scared/nervous then you probably have reason to be.
Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with that!
Timeof... To change the code to your garage door opener...open it up, under the battery or near it are some dip switches. Mine has 4 of them. They are
Hi,
He actually sent back the remote, thankfully! And Sprint cancelled the phone without charging me the $200, so yay for the positives. The negative is that he still owes me a thousand dollars with no sign of paying it back. What a loser.
Don't be jealous of my need to gain weight. I would much rather be at a healthy weight already OR a little overweight than to deal with anorexia. It is such a dark, cold cage of inferiority and insecurity, a steel prison of isolation and starvation. I am doing MUCH better already and have already gained two pounds! :)
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