Just broke it off with fiance...
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| Tue, 02-12-2008 - 4:47pm |
Hi everyone,
I'm not really sure the purpose of my message, except to share my story and maybe receive some feedback as to where to go from here. My fiance and I weren't engaged for that long (since December 1st), and I had some issues about his past--namely, that he dragged his heels for two years to get a divorce from his (now)ex-wife, and so his divorce is/was very fresh. That created a very tumultuous and unsettled beginning to our relationship, and I think we just never fully recovered, despite having a strong love for one another.
There were many good things about us and him. He has full custody of two children, and he does try to provide for his children. He works hard. He is very in touch with his emotions and is romantic. But ultimately, we were just too different.
He had a Jekyll/Hyde personality. He would get very, very upset with his children and spank them (with a belt!), yell at them, and then turn to me immediately and speak lovingly to me. It was kind of frightening to see veins popping in his forehead and then a few seconds later see him try to be loving towards me--not to mention that I completely disagreed with his parenting style. He often dumped his kids on other relatives to spend time with me, and was very clingy. When I suggested he spend more time with his kids, he would say, "I know," and then continue to try to dominate my time.
He also would take a temper with me, and get inordinately angry. When I pointed it out, he would acknowledge it, and say he would "work on it." It got to the point to where I told him at some point, I wouldn't be able to take it anymore. I finally reached that threshold after getting tired of hearing about MY faults, MY weaknesses, over and over again. I realize I am fallible, but constantly receiving a barrage of insults and nitpicking criticism tears me down. He would then immediately revert back to "I love you, you're the most wonderful woman," and just leave me bewildered and shaking my head.
Another issue is my anorexia. I was recently diagnosed with anorexia, in large part triggered by him. He LOVES it when I am severely underweight--we are talking chest bones sticking out, ribs and hip bones bared, so forth. When I became aware of the situation, and when my family stepped in, I pointed out to him I was unhealthy--he didn't necessarily agree, of course, but he said, "ok, I want you to be healthy." And then completely ignored it, and continued to make comments about how he loves me skeletal (not exact words, but close). It's ridiculous. I continue to have anorexia. I need a support system around me that will help me TRULY be healthy, not just pay me lip service.
I haven't even mentioned our different lifestyles: I'm college-educated, he's not; I like healthy lifestyles, (when not anorexic!), he is overweight (obese, actually) and was a smoker until he quit about three weeks ago, etc. He has little ambition while I have tons.
When I finally made the decision to end it, I was so nervous because of his reaction. I made the decision to do it over the phone for this very reason--his unpredictability and temper. He, of course, insulted me and was so very cruel, but it was done. This morning. Later this afternoon he emailed me, saying he wants the ring back and his key back, and he will give me my stuff, and we need to arrange for a swap--he has the stuff in his car and can do it today. I'm like, Heck No! I'm not on HIS schedule anymore. I emailed him back very politely, saying I think it is best we mail the items back to one another, with confirmation numbers and insurance, and verified addresses. He emailed back with more insults but ultimately agreed to mailing the items. I think he was just looking for an excuse to see me in person to insult me some more.
To think, I was going to marry this man! I didn't even mention he admits he is still "emotionally traumatized" by his previous marriage, AND I loaned him over a thousand dollars (terrible mistake, I know). He SAYS he will send me payments but I am FULLY prepared to accept he loss, and learn my life lesson.
As to how I feel, I guess relief. And fear. He's so unpredictable. He has a phone under my family plan with Sprint, and he can run up the minutes if he so chooses. I tried to cancel it but it will cost $200 to break the contract. He *says* he will send it back but who knows? What should I do? Pony up the $200 to cancel his phone? Wait to see if he will send it back, and risk him doing something very damaging?
I'm relieved I don't have to deal with the stress of him anymore, though. I'm almost 28 and honestly, if I'm single forever, then fine. I know I am a strong, independent woman who is fully capable of supporting myself.
What should I do if he tries to contact me? And what should I do if he refuses to send back my phone and my remote (which opens the gate to my apt. complex and my garage)?
Thanks for any advice.

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- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
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