Just broke up. Need reassurance

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Just broke up. Need reassurance
10
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 10:39am

My ex and I just broke up on 8/27. We have been having problems for the past 2 months. I felt he was taking me for granted. We were only able to see each other Sat, Sun, and Mon night because he worked nights and I work days. I didn't mind his shift, it gave me personal space. He was making all kinds of plans with his friends and not including me. He used to include me in all of his plans. He would always leave me during the weekends to hang with his friends and for some reason I was not invited. I tried to talk to him about it and he told me I am trying to be stuck up his a**. We were engaged, we should have been BOTH wanting to be around each other. Instead I was begging for time, I could not take it anymore. He decided Fri. he was going to move out but he still wanted us to be together, I told him it was over. I don't want to put myself through that. The time issue was not the only probelm, my trust in him was shot, he wanted me to re-build it but then he would so something to break it again. He recently started accusing me of cheating because I did to him what he did to me. I went to a club and stayed out until about 4:30 in the morning. It's funny he didn't like it when I did it to him. I know making the break was the best thing for me, but I am doubting myself. We had good times, like any relationship, but towards the end I hated to even be around him because I was so miserable all of the time. When I brought something up that was bothering me, he did try to talk it out, and he tried to change, but I wasn't happy because I could tell he wasn't. He told me on our last argument before the break up that he was here to stay, then he said a week later he was going to move out because he wanted us to have space from living together. I am not stupid, he wants to come home anytime and not have me ask where he has been.

I have all these negative comments, but I am hurting bad from missing him. Does anyone have advice on how I can get past this missing him stage? I was doing great the whole week, but this past weekend really got to me for some reason and I can't shake it. PLEASE HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 10:49am
I can't tell you how to stop missing him.
But I can tell you to not let him back.
Don't let him play games with you and drag you along for the ride.
Like you, I was begging for attention towards the end of my relationship and it ended horribly. We were "broke up" for 3 months with the possibility of getting back together.
He still called me every day, we saw each other usually once a week, and he continued to say things like "WHEN we get back together...."
I let him string me along and keep my hopes up and lead me on.
2 1/2 weeks ago we had a fight because he hadn't called me back the night before like he'd said he would and I had worried about him all night long. During this conversation he enlightened me about how "unsure" he was about us. Said he had to go but he'd call me back later to finish talking.
He never called. 2 weeks later, after only one other time of trying to contact him, I got to him through text message (he wouldn't answer when I called).
He tells me "leave him alone"
And this is a guy I was friends with 3 years, then dated 3 years. He already had my mom's permission to marry me about a month before he broke up with me.
If you're that miserable, it doesn't matter how much you love him, HE'S NOT WORTH IT.
I know it's a hard pill to swallow but I wish I'd swallowed it a long time ago.
Read "He's Just Not That Into You". It might make you realize some things and then you won't miss him so much....
Hope this helped!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 11:33am
Thank you for your suggestions. You are right, if he were as into me as I was him, he would have wanted to be around me. I would not have been begging for time and getting mad and upset because he wanted to do other things (that did not involve me). He has called me some and he always drills me. He asks what I am planning to do, what I have been doing, if I am seeing anyone else, all kinds of stuff. He also keeps talking about how I am not taking this bad. I honestly wasn't at first. This past weekend I did, I woke from a dream about him almost in tears. I know this is the best thing, and I know realisticly it would be stupid to get back with him, things would be good for the first few weeks then it would be back to the same things again. I know I need to just get the break up hurt out now because it is inevitable. I just need some re-assurance and help with the hurt. I think it really started to bother me this weekend because I heard on Friday that he is taking a girl out to lunch (the same girl I was told he was flirting with when his work had him on light duty when we were together). This I think made me really hurt and killed the way I was thinking. Like I said I was doing great, then after I heard that, it all turned around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 12:20pm
Well, my ex wanted to "take a break" because he needed time to grow up. He wasn't financially ready or mature enough for "that kind of commitment".
Now he's dating a girl with 2 children, one of which is 5 years old.
And he's taking her to church with him.
Talk about painful. I was so ready to be over him and I completely started over knowing that he was now with a woman with 2 children!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 12:28pm

Thank you for replying and giving your input. It means so much to me, have you ever thought "No one knows what I am going through and what I am feeling". This is how I have been feeling. I have never posted on message boards before, but this is helping. This is the first serious relationship I was in sinse by divorce 4 years ago. I wasn't as blind and stupid as I was in the first and I knew things were unhealthy, but this still hurts.

I was reading other posts about the "victim". It says kharma comes back to you, I actually ended this after he said he was moving. Am I the bad person here? I could not take the pain and hurt that I had been going through for 2 months. I am still hurt over the breakup.

My feelings are just everywhere like a roller coaster. I am happy then I get depressed and sad. I hope this passes soon :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 1:44pm
Yeah, these message boards have helped me a lot too. It helps to hear that other people are or have experienced the same thing and their advice on how to deal. Or sometimes just a sympathetic ear. I found out this afternoon that my ex is taking his new girl and her two kids to church with him. My so-called friend that informed me of this just had to mention how "ädorable" this woman's kids are. UGH!
It just hurts to have someone in my life for so long to just be left suddenly in the dark, and lied to. :(
I am so tired of crying though and I'm ready to move on with my life, since he's obviously having no problems.
I'm just scared that next time I get into a relationship I'm not going to trust him. Or I'm going to be suspicious of things that are no big deal. Or just that the first time he does anything "wrong" that I won't be willing to give him a second chance.
This guy just put me through so much he11 this summer, making me feel the whole time like things were going alright. It's hard to understand sometimes. But these boards help me, even if it's just to get it off my chest when I feel like nobody around me is really listening :( Ya know?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 2:41pm

I went through a bad relationship in the past and it took me 3 1/2 years to settle again. I noticed I kept comparing my recent ex-fiance to my old ex-husband. I am always afraid of being hurt. A friend of mine told me to read a book called "Mood Therapy: How to feel better" by Dr. Burns. I am at work now so I'm not positive that is the exact name, but I started reading it and it is making me realize how bad I down myself. I suffer from depression in a moderate form, and this break up (actually the entire relationship for that matter) has had me really depressed. Even before I met him I suffered from depression (that all started when my ex-husband did all the bad things to me). I never realized how hard I am on myself.

If you would like I can get back to you with exact name of the book when I get home. It is helping me cope with my failed realtionship and with other negative feelings and thoughts I have and didn't even realize I had.

I have been trying the past 2 days to read that book, but I have been getting in these slumps. I tell people who know him and who know me that I do not want to hear about anything he is up to. I tell them I don't even want to hear his name. It ended up coming up Friday because I was told "I know you don't want me to tell you but...." of course I wanted to know. I wish people would just stop telling me stuff about him. I don't want to know. I was happy thinking he was missing me and realizing what he lost. Obviously that is not the case and I think now that I know it, I am bothered by it. I think I was doing good before because I thought he was hurt like me. For some reason that makes it easier.

Let me know if you want that book name. I am doing the exercises in it and it is making me realize things I wasn't aware of. If you would like, you can e-mail me tammie_m_ray@yahoo.com. It really is nice of you to help me and share your experiences with me, I feel like I am not alone anymore, and it makes me feel a little better.

Thanks for being here for me, and please know I am here for you too :)

HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 3:02pm
Thanks! I'd really appreciate the name of that book.
I think I mentioned this earlier but I'm not for sure if it was this thread or not, try reading "He's Just Not That Into You". It's written by a man and it makes a lot of sense. I know what to NOT TAKE now and when I do get into a new relationship these first signs he gives that he's "just not THAT into me", I'm out the door protecting my heart!
I'm at school now and will be doing things with friends tonight so I'm not sure when I'll be back on, it may be soon. It may not be. I never know.
Thanks for listening and sharing and I hope I've helped you in some way too!
:)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 3:24pm
You most deffinately helped me :) I found out the name of the book, it is "Feeling Good: The new mood therapy" by Dr. Burns. Where can I get that book (any bookstore)?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 5:05pm
Ummm, "He's Just Not That Into You" is by a guy named Greg something.. he's a standup comedian and he used to write for the show "Sex and the City". WalMart has the book I know but I'm sure other places would have it too :)
Hope this helped!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:02am

i no exactly what you are going thru. I just broke up w/ my fiance last week. The relationship got violent and our cominication had dissapeared. He was my best freind and i miss him sooo much. I left because i was tired of lieing to my freinds and family, once i told them the truth i had to move out npo one wanted me there w/ him. I so regret doing what i have done but no its best. You nor I deserve to be physically or mentally abused. My case may have been physical but it seems as thou yours is mental. Would you have rathered get married then see this, be stuck home w/ kids while he goes out all the time then eventually leaves you. Ofcourse not. Its only gonna get worse before it gets better, i no exactly what you are going thrue. I had to nove back home w/ my parents and not having him there in the morning to hold and kiss... sux But there are men out there that dont abuse,(mentally or physically) we just havnt found that one yet. Mtter of fact last night i went to our old apt to be with him amd my parents drove by cause they are worried about me. They rung my cell phone off the hook, when i went outside they were both standing there aking me why am i doing this and told me they would do everything they had to to keep me away from him, i dont deserve it and they wont watch that ever happen to me again. Then he came out and tried to apologize to them for giving me two black eyes and said he is no longer welcome neer anyone in my family and to never talk to me again. Oh it sucked, not gonna lie but having freinds and family that no the truth are all that will get me thru this. If you are emotionally depressed like me right now and are having a hard time at work and getting thru the day, maybe you should go see a doctor or someone. I am, what ever helps me to get thru this i am willing to do this really hurts, but could have been worse we could have seen all of this after the wedding right?

Robin