Just broke up... Now What?!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Just broke up... Now What?!?!?
2
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 10:40am
Hi Everyone. I've written on other relationship boards, but I've never had to come over to the Breaking Up ones. I really need some help. Here's my store: My now ex-bf and I were together for just under two years when I found something out a few days ago. I learned that he had cheated on me with his ex right when we started dating. They had sex, even though we promised that neither of us wanted to have sex until we were married. Having lived through my father having an affair (and my mom staying with him) I made a promise to myself that if anyone ever did that to me, that i wouldn't let it continue. So, we broke up. My problem is, I don't know how to move on from this. He is my first bf and I am so scared. He is my best friend and I am not sure how to live day-by-day without him in my life. I was stupid and went over to his place yesterday and we talked for hours. I'm not ready for him to be out of my life, but I CAN'T be with someone who has hurt me. I know it sounds really weird, but I don't hate him and I'm not angry at him. I guess I'm just really disappointed because he knows my past and knows that honesty and loyalty are the 2 characteristics that I want most in a relationship. And even though he knew this, he still decided to have sex and put ME at risk for getting an STD (if she had any). I left yesterday with much more finality, but he left it up to me whether or not I ever contact him again. I KNOW that I will, eventually, but how do I move from being his girlfriend to being his friend? How do I get through this? How do I learn to not think about him every second of ever day? Any suggestions, thoughts, comments? I could use anything!

~Scared out of her mind~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 11:05am
Hey Tofu,

First let me say how sorry I am that you're having to go through this experience. But you can use it to your advantage by learning all the lessons you're supposed to learn so that history doesn't repeat itself.

Moving on takes time, and unfortunately, getting over the sadness, loss and grief is a process that can't be rushed. I would encourage you to break all contact with him. I'm not sure how you define friendship, but at the basic core is trust. He cheated on you with his ex and violated your trust right off the bat, not to mention exposing you to an STD. So why be friends with him? Just because the two of you share a two year history? That's not enough of a reason to remain friends with him in my book.

As another poster wrote on a different board, if he wouldn't respect and appreciate you when you were his girl, he certainly won't if you're "just" his friend.

Get busy living life to the fullest. Hang out with your girlfriends and just have fun!

Life is too short to spend it being miserable.

All the best,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 1:24pm
I was with a guy for two years and three months. After being with him for 6 months he admitted to cheating on me with his ex right at the beginning of the relationship. He saw her once a week for dinner, I was naive, it was my first relationship, I wanted to be open minded. Now, I realise how harmful all this was on my self-esteem after two years I still felt like I was competing with a ghost. Not only that but I am the most honest person you will meet and this guy broke the two most valuable things, loyalty and trust. The reason your bf and my ex bf didn't tell us about them cheating at the beginning is that they new we would not stay with them. They waited until that had gained our trust and love to tell us - this is deceiving and manipulative. You don't need this guy, trust me, it will not end, even if he hasn't slept with her since, her shadow will constantly be lingering in the forground. This man is confused and he will only cause you to doubt that you are a wonderful beautiful person.