Just broken up advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Just broken up advice
6
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 2:23pm

I am 26 and my bf of just over a year was 25. We recently broke up because we wanted two different things.....He was a player before he met me and never had a real gf. I feel like I could have been someone special and that I could be friends with him, but the thought of seeing him out at the bars now, possibly all over another girl just really gets to me.
I was with a guy for 4 years just before this relationship and that break up was easy compared to this one it seems.....I have always been quick to move on and wonder how long I might wait before testing the waters again, with this other guy on my mind.......

I want a bf in my life that wants the same things as me, but I guess I always jump from one relationship to the next and I guess maybe I just need time alone to think?. It hurts me that my ex didn't want the commitment because I did, but its best to let it go because I wanted more from the relationship at this point than he did right? or should try to work things out or do u think that he is prob just too young and doesnt really know what he wants out of life yet....???
Is it good to let go now or should i try to want more....We were happy but we didnt really get to spend a lot of along time together and or talk a lot on the phone. We mostly texted or emailed to each other for our year relationship..This was just an inmature relationship that needs to move on right? I miss him he never treated me bad and I think thats the worst part:( any advice on what to do after a break up that really works??

Edited 9/23/2005 2:51 pm ET ET by lacey1025




Edited 9/23/2005 2:54 pm ET ET by lacey1025
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 2:48pm

you are definately correct when you say that it was the right thing to do to break up because you weren't on the right path and you wanted more than he could or was willing to give....that doesn't make him a bad person, but bottom line is you can't be together if you're not on the same page in the relationship. i don't think it has to do with age, i think it depends on the individual because i've been with men who were older than 25 and was like your ex(didn't want committment etc) and there are a lot of men at 25 and even younger who do want committment so it all depends on the individual.....and NEVER should you beg someone back under any circumstance.....asking is one thing..begging is another, no one should have to beg......but i know it's tempting when you just miss the person sooooooooo much and may have regrets...i've been there, i've done my share of begging and i don't reccommend it.

now when you say you want a bf and don't want to be alone....are you thinking about what you're really saying...i think there are issues there you need to figure out. you have to want to be by yourself and truely be ok with it and even enjoy(although it is hard) before you can be with someone....that's what i believe...and you have to be able to give yourself all the things that you look for in others to give you...i'm just learning that myself. i'm 28 and i'm trying to really be ok being by myself....especially because i was with someone for 4 yrs(lived together for 2), and i lost a huge part of myself and became dependant on him in so many ways...and i don't want that to happen again when and if i ever get involved with anyone else, therefore, i'm taking this time to soul search/learn/grow/heal/and re-discover myself...which i think you need to do too...it's hard to be alone and not have a boyfriend, ofcourse it's nice to have a significant other, but wanting and needing a boyfriend in your life is two totally different things, and it sounds to me like you are "needing" a boyfriend.

break ups are soooooooooooooo hard and painful, i know....i'm still trying to heal and it's been a year since my break up, but you have to do what's right for your own well-being, and having a boyfriend right now, whether it be your ex again or someone new, i don't think is in your best interest right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 3:04pm

I messed up writing some things in my first post that I changed.....I guess it seems I always had someone lined so to speak after a break up it seems.......

I think that this one is harder than my four year one because my mom who is my best friend just moved away and this is the first time i have been so far away from her. Plus my dad passed away last year and maybe I guess am feeling extra lonely these days...

I know its right now to beg:) I meant I shouldnt want to be with someone that doesnt want what I want........

I did learn a lot with my recent ex, like spending time alone, with my friends more etc. I didnt have that with my guy of 4 years......I only spent like 2- 3 nites a week with my recent ex and thats not a lot of time and half or 2/3 of that was always with his roommates so as you can see its very immature guy........

I mean yeah i want someone special in my life and im at that point where I know what I want, I just have to wait for it to approach me I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 3:24pm
i apologize if i misinterpreted your previous post..and i'm sorry to hear about your father's passing and your mother moving...i know how it feels to be alone, this is the first time in my life that i've felt totally alone....i don't even have any friends, my best friend of 11 years(and only friend for that matter...i know pretty sad),and our friendship ended about 3 weeks ago, no significant other, and i have two sisters who i'm close with on a surface level......i hang out with them because we're all close in age and well, they're really the only people i have to hang out with, but me and one of my sisters got into a fight 2 weeks ago....hadn't spoken until she called me today.....but it feels really uncomfortable and "fake" because we just pretended like nothing happened, when some pretty harsh things were said....my phone hasn't rang in quite sometime, and i wonder why i even have a phone.....lol. i guess i could "get out there" again, but i know i'm not ready, although it's tempting......because quite frankly it's really hard being alone, but i know this is something i need to accomplish....i need to take this time to really grow....and i know that once i'm at that point where i'm ok and even enjoy being alone and i'm ready to be with someone, things will fall into place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 3:29pm

yup u are right :)
I do have my friends and most are just there to listen to me and I also have one friend who really gives it to me,,which sometimes is a bit much, but she is my best friend so i guess thats good.....Most of my friends are married and have serious relationships thats also what makes it so hard.......

I actually have a friends wedding this weekend and since my bf and I are already paid for I am still bringing him because I couldn't find anyone else last notice and we are on talking terms.......my biggest question problem now is do i ignore him and have a great time at the wedding or do i just pay attention to him, but not be close with him and do i sleep with him one last time or not? He was the best Ive ever had so it hard to not :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 3:59pm
i personally don't think it's a good a idea that you even take him to the wedding...it's too soon and it doesn't seem like you're ready to just be friends with him, which basically you're going to be for that night...i think it might complicate things and make it harder for you to let go...but since you've already decided to take him...you don't want to cause a scene at the wedding and if you're ignoring him and being cold, people might notice that...you're both adults, i guess you could just be civil with eachother...and NO you should not sleep with him one last time, because one last time is not going to be one last time, it will lead to another time and another time....and if you sleep with him, not only will you definately make it harder for yourself to let go and move on, but he'll be getting his cake and eating it too...he doesn't have to commit to you, but he could still have sex with you? i'm sure he would love that! i know it's hard though, especially when it was/is really good...we are humans, but try really hard to think with your head and not your hormones.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 4:14pm

yeah it was all me wanted to do it one last time, not him at all......

but who knows.......its too late to have him not come to the wedding and wanted to still come anyways...its like 75 bucks a plate and i dont want to screw my friend out of that kind of money either