just cant seem to walk away...
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just cant seem to walk away...
| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 9:51am |
hi everyone,
first and foremost-love to all of you on this board. break-ups are the MOST PAINFUL thing in the world! i just dont know what my problem is or what to do anymore. i got all strong and self-assured and broke up w/ my guy of 2 plus years for like the 6th time b/c he isnt ready to marry me (you may remember my previous post) boy have we had ups and downs-but i love him and i could marry him-but he "isnt ready"
the week we were apart i was so depressed! i couldnt function as you know you feel like you lost an arm or something that makes you "unfunctionable"
i couldnt stand it and i started doubting myself and "seeing his side"...like "whats the rush, we need to be in a better place ect"
and then i panicked and thought "oh no, i made a mistake!!!" i called him and begged him back. he took me back but through some stuff out there like "it shouldnt be this hard, and i dont feel an urgency or craving for children right now" he also said now he feels this pressure for marriage and he is uncomfortable with that-bottom line the making up kinda was crappy and i think we both came out of it feeling disenchanted
and me being the panicked clingy one stated "oh no honey-i dont care if we get married-what is marriage anyway-i just want to be with you, thats all that matters!"
but i think i feel like i sold myself out. now i am walking around with anxiety. i had to go to 2 baby showers this weekend i almost burst out into tears at them-i yelled at my girlfriend that wanted to show me the ring her man is gonna get her. i feel like we are a million years away from marriage and kids now that this last trauma happened-just why cant he give in??? yet he does still want me??? what the hell??? i cant even talk to him about it-it is a SORE subject, especially now. i am afraid to pressure him, afraid to let him go, and very afraid i will never get what i want...help me. i cant seem to walk away and staying almost doesnt feel that great either.
first and foremost-love to all of you on this board. break-ups are the MOST PAINFUL thing in the world! i just dont know what my problem is or what to do anymore. i got all strong and self-assured and broke up w/ my guy of 2 plus years for like the 6th time b/c he isnt ready to marry me (you may remember my previous post) boy have we had ups and downs-but i love him and i could marry him-but he "isnt ready"
the week we were apart i was so depressed! i couldnt function as you know you feel like you lost an arm or something that makes you "unfunctionable"
i couldnt stand it and i started doubting myself and "seeing his side"...like "whats the rush, we need to be in a better place ect"
and then i panicked and thought "oh no, i made a mistake!!!" i called him and begged him back. he took me back but through some stuff out there like "it shouldnt be this hard, and i dont feel an urgency or craving for children right now" he also said now he feels this pressure for marriage and he is uncomfortable with that-bottom line the making up kinda was crappy and i think we both came out of it feeling disenchanted
and me being the panicked clingy one stated "oh no honey-i dont care if we get married-what is marriage anyway-i just want to be with you, thats all that matters!"
but i think i feel like i sold myself out. now i am walking around with anxiety. i had to go to 2 baby showers this weekend i almost burst out into tears at them-i yelled at my girlfriend that wanted to show me the ring her man is gonna get her. i feel like we are a million years away from marriage and kids now that this last trauma happened-just why cant he give in??? yet he does still want me??? what the hell??? i cant even talk to him about it-it is a SORE subject, especially now. i am afraid to pressure him, afraid to let him go, and very afraid i will never get what i want...help me. i cant seem to walk away and staying almost doesnt feel that great either.

I can say that you are much wiser than I was to push him on this after 2 or so years. I know it is tempting to backpedal, because it is easy to think that maybe more time would help him come around. But it is my experience from going twice as long that it just makes you more resentful and beaten-down over time, while he feels increasingly more powerful and desired. I started to put up with a lot of crap over the last year that just robbed me of another year of good living.
The only thing I have found to make me feel better is proof that there are in fact single men out there my age who seem to be much more mature than these guys. The best $ I spent in the last month was on match.com, just to surf the site and see what some of the guys said about themselves and what they are looking for. That doesn't mean that I will find the love of my life there, but it has been incredibly inspiring to see that this man who was the center of my universe for so long is actually NOT like other guys, many of whom are tired of the singles thing. The fear that I may not find anything better really holds me back, but the more "research" I do I can see that the old guy just had issues. So with you also, it is probably him with the problems and not something wrong with you.
Hang in there. This TOTALLY sucks, I know.
Phoenix848
You need to leave this man because if he hasn't married you after two years, even though you really want to get married, he will probably never do it. Believe me, I was in relationships with about two or three men whom I wanted to marry but they didn't want to marry. None of the men who didn't want to marry me are married now. They just didn't want to get married. I'm not saying this is your man, but it could be. Either it's not you and he just doesn't want to get married or he doesn't want to marry you. Either way, you're not getting what you want.
Does breaking up hurt? No doubt about it. It hurts like hell, like a piece of your heart is being ripped out. Does the pain end? Yes. If you stay with him your situation will only get worse. You will feel more and more anxious. The more time that goes by the harder it will be to leave him. You don't want to be like Phoenix, still with this man after 4.5 years. Bite the bullet and leave him. Don't delay. Do it tonight or tomorrow. We will be here with you, through all the tears, the ups and downs, the sleepless nights, the red-eyed mornings. We will walk you through it and you will come out of it stronger.