Just dumped 48 hours ago

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2005
Just dumped 48 hours ago
4
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 9:33pm
I recently had someone I spent 4 years with break up with me in a very harsh..almost immediate way online. We had broken up 2 years ago in almost the same way but after many months we decided we loved each other and wanted to be together. I recently moved into an apartment so we could spend all our time together (I had a roommate before). I was attempting to have a friendship with an ex of mine who I was with for 9 years and I believe there was anger over that...the problem is the break up had so much anger on their end...swearing, threatening, giving ultimatums. My first reaction is to cling, call, email and basically panic to keep them in my life. I am doing all I can not to do that this time - I don't feel I did anything wrong. I was open to discussing the problem but they aren't. After being called every name in the book I've followed the advice of NC. I feel a little lost though. I'm not someone who has a lot of friends and I was an only child who had both parents die so feeling lonely(though familar) is scarey. My ex left their cell phone in my apartment and is now demanding I mail the phone and all their possessions to them and is basically threatening me and my job if I don't do it. I will be honest - I don't feel it is my responsibilty to do that - they dumped me so they should make the effort to get their things. I haven't made it hard to get them but won't do the work of boxing it, paying to mail it etc.. Am I wrong in doing this?? I could really use some good advice and some kind words. Been crying a bit and generally trying to feel my emotions when they come to the surface. Thanks in advance.
Avatar for moet1118
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 5:21am
Hello, My advice may seem alittle cowardly but here goes...
I was dumped too rather abruptly 3 yrs ago. Although I'm over it now; He really made a GIGANTIC deal about retrieving his things. I agreed to let him come over twice to collect them, however, there was always a scene and ofcourse name calling. I refused the 3rd time - he took me to small claims court. I'm not saying this will happen to YOU. My only suggestion is to gain some closure, box up his belongings and send 'em where ever he wants-
Then move on with your life...
Moet
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 11:13am

i'm very sorry for what you are going through, we all know how it feels to cry uncontrolably, and feel down right crappy, so know you're not alone.

as for what you should do with your ex's things...i don't think you're wrong in doing what you're doing and feeling the way you do, like it's not your responsibilty, but like the other poster said...for your mental well-being, and in order for you to try to move on and begin your healing process, i think you should just ship the stuff to your ex.

take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 3:12pm

Hello Johnd212,

It is important to hear that you are very awared about your tendency to cling to your ex's as a result of feeling abandoned. Remember this, you have already suffered from losing your parents, there is noone else that can cause the same amount of pain again. Do not let it happen, you are in charge this time. Happiness and peace do not come from outside but from inside. It is you who decides how to feel.

Another important point is that you should not try to get back together again. If you see her again or talk to her, it will be a temptation to make things work. The problem is that there is nothing to save from this relationship. From your post, it seems that there is no respect at all in this relationship. If you lose respect for each other, there is no way that you can keep a healthy relation with her or anybody.

Yes, it is going to hurt like hell, but you know that it is better to end something that has no future. This gives you more time to find the right person. In my case, my ex dumped me but we were very respectful to each other. We keep only good memories about our time together, however we cannot keep in touch because I still have feeling for him.

If you have a common friend, I would recommend that you drop her belongings at your friend's house, so you don't have to pay for shipping and don't have to see her face to face. You should try to sort things out as soon as possible. An angry woman is always a danger.

iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 6:03pm

Obviously this is a really difficult time, and while I definitely see your point about not feeling you should need to take the time to box up their things and pay to ship them, I still agree with the other posters.

Nikki