just fantastic :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
just fantastic :(
3
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 1:55pm

I posted here about a month ago because my boyfriend broke up with me. Well, he ended up calling me about a week later to come over to talk and of course I agreed. He told me he had really thought things out and said that it wasn't me he was afraid of getting married to, he is just afraid of marriage in general right now, but that he knows someday he would be ready for it--and to me.

Well, our 1 year anniversary was on 6/17 and he just didn't seem very excited about it, while I, on the otherhand was extatic. Of course I was extremely upset because I couldn't understand how he could possibly be so laxadaisical about the whole thing when it is so huge and I got really emotional. He told me that he doesn't like when I'm so negatively affected by such little things because he really was excited about the anniversary, but he wasn't going to go calling everyone on his phone list to tell them about it.

We had a meeting for work later on that afternoon and I was still pretty upset and cried at the meeting. He took me outside to talk for a little bit to calm me down and he told me that our relationship just wans't fun for him anymore because he felt like he was always walking on egg shells (I started freaking out after we got back together because everytime I thought he was acting strange I would think he was getting ready to break up with me again). Of course I came to the conclusion that in order to save our relationship I would have to get over the fact that he had broken up with me once before and just accept things the way they were (ie. if he said he couldnt hangout because he was tired from work and had a lot of homework to get done i wouldn't get upset with him or if he didn't call me one night before bed it could just mean he fell asleep...etc.).

When we went to celebrate our anniversary yesterday afternoon (since we both worked until 6 on friday and it would've taken time for us to get ready to go out etc...) I told him what I was prepared to do in order to salvage our relationship and to make it better for the both of us (he wouldn't feel obligated all the time and I wouldn't always feel hurt) but he told me he was still worried because our relationship just wasn't as much fun as it used to be.

After dinner we went back to my house to just hangout for a little while and about 2 hours later he broke it to me that he had used our anniversary date as a way to see if he would be brought back to the "reality" he was once at (as far as our happy relationship) and it didn't pan out the way he had hoped. He said that he realized when he started blaming me for things our relationship was beginning to be affected and it wasn't fair becaues it was HIM who changed, not me (and he felt bad for making me feel like I was the problem).

I just don't get it though, we were happy for so long together. I really believe that it is my fault we broke up though because I am a chronic worrier and think worst possible scenarios all the time and maybe since a year is a long time, he started to think that even though he handled it for the time before, the longer he went the harder it would be to leave even though he couldn't handle it anymore.

It hurts an immense amount though because he always told me that I was "worth it" and he's really the only person who loved me in spite of all of my flaws (even my family really doesn't). I just don't understand why loving me wasn't enough to stay and see if things could get better...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 6:51pm

Welcome Laur...


I'm so sorry you're hurting...

-----------------------------------

"You get what you settle for"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 8:09pm
He broke up with me so of course he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. We aren't talking for now....of course with things like AIM we've both let eachother know indirectly how we feel about what has happened. Eventually we both hope to be friends, but for now, we both have to heal, no matter what his reasoning for the break up is, I know it has to be difficult to take something so important away from yourself like he did (even if the relationship wasn't working, we were still oneanother's best friend).
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 8:56pm

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through so much pain right now...

Breakups are extremely hard, especially when experienced at a younger age (which I can see that you are from reading your member profile). A year is a long time to be with someone, and it's obvious that you're very upset. That being said--I know it's hard to believe at the moment, but it really DOES get better and easier with time. You eventually move on with your life because you really have no other choice...

My ex and I broke up over a year ago (May of 2004) and I was devastated for awhile. I cried all the time, thought of him constantly, blamed myself, etc. I tried to be his friend because I desperately wanted to keep him in my life--after all, he had become a major part of it! We had been long-distance, but had been very close for 2+ years (just friends for some of it) and had even talked about marriage (even though we're both still pretty young). I honestly thought he was "the one," and I thought he felt the same way about me. But things fell apart (long story) and we broke up. I immediately tried to get back together with him, but he had already met someone else--ouch, huh? I was SO sad/angry/jealous...I couldn't believe he had moved on so quickly. We got into some huge fights over this and he ended up telling me he had never actually cared/loved me, etc. But I still tried to keep in touch with him...I thought that we could be friends, but I was only fooling myself.

Luckily I came to my senses and realized that contact with him was unhealthy for me. I got tired of causing myself pain and took some time off from him for awhile. And let me tell you...I felt SO much better! Yeah, it took some time...but it's really okay now. I'm happy...I love my life and myself, I even appreciate being single! Looking back on my relationship more clearly, I can see that I wasn't truly satisfied with it...and I"m actually glad that I'm not with him anymore. I cared about him a lot and he was my first big love...a part of me may always care for him in some way. But I'm so much stronger, healthier, and smarter now...even on my own :)

For a long time, I was convinced that my ex and I were meant to be together and he just didn't see it yet. I also felt rejected that he chose to be with someone else over me; someone who lived closer and who was his age (I was a few years younger than him). But you know what? I know that I'm a fantastic person with a lot to offer; it just didn't suit my ex's needs/wants...but that doesn't make me any less fabulous! :) I've also realized that as time has passed, I have grown and changed a lot...and he wouldn't fit my needs/wants either. If my ex tried to come back to me, I honestly couldn't do it. I know what I'm looking for and more importantly, what I'm NOT looking for. He's even contacted me a few times recently and you know what? I have no desire to keep in touch with him anymore! He's a part of my past, and I'm glad I had the experience that I did...but I don't want to know him anymore. I don't consider him to be a friend of mine.

So look, I know things totally suck right now...but keep your chin up and take care of yourself! You deserve it! STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR WHAT HAPPENED. Sometimes "love" just isn't enough...sometimes the timing is all wrong, or you just want different things in life. Sometimes two people just aren't right for each other, no matter how badly they want to be. You mentioned that your ex is afraid of marriage right now...well, you can't change his mind and you also can't blame him for that. You're still young and there's still plenty of time to explore. Don't take it too personally...it doesn't mean he thinks you're a bad person or that there's something wrong with you. Don't tell yourself that you just weren't "worth it." Your relationship simply didn't work for him...and even though it hurts you terribly, it's what he thinks is the best for HIMSELF. Maybe it's a selfish way of thinking, but I think everybody does it. You've got to look out for yourself, right? And you can't force somebody to be with you...

Keep busy with work/school/friends/family, etc. Work out, read, go to the beach, shop...do whatever it takes to keep yourself busy! And remember--it's perfectly fine to be sad and to grieve...but don't wallow in it for long. If things get really bad, then seek therapy or something. LOVE YOURSELF! Eventually you will start to heal and feel better. Having no contact really helps...it's far too early for you to try being friends with your ex, no matter how much you want to continue talking to/seeing him. It'll only hurt you more in the long run.

Good luck!