Just feeling hopeless

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2012
Just feeling hopeless
3
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 11:49pm

I have posted on this board more times than I can even remember.  I've received a ton of great advice and constructive criticism, but I always manage to end up in the same place.  Well here I am again, broken up with the same man that I've allowed to shatter my heart over and over for almost 9 years.  The best years of my life (well, my best looking anyway!) were wasted pining over this guy.  I've done therapy, boot camp, tried a Justin Sterling Women's Weekend, spent time alone, with family, dating other guys, I've tried everything during breakups with this man to get on with my life and better myself and yet I always end up back with him eventually.  Well not this time, this time I'll draw the line and once I move out of here I'm never looking back.  Scary thing is I've said that before.  It feels different this time, we live together and he's kicking me out.  Thank GOD I was able to get a housing scholarship so I can finish school and be able to live independently (was laid off in August 2011) but I can't find a place that will accept my housing scholarship, people look at it like it's welfare or section 8.  I've been stuck living with my ex for 3 months now and it's been the hardest 3 months of my life, getting my hopes up then getting my heart broken on a weekly basis.  He would use me for sex.  Other times we would break up he wouldn't have anything to do with me, but I guess since we live together it's all too convenient for him to just f*c! me every now and then.  He is even the one to initiate it.  I thought for sure that must mean he wants to work things out.  But I ask him and he would just GO OFF ON ME, yelling at me about why it's over, all the horrible things I've done, what a terrible person I am, and what a great guy he's been to me but I "F@CKED IT ALL UP AGAIN".  He's such an abusive bastard.  This has happened a few times, because after a week he will lighten up and be nice again and try to have sex with me and I'd give in because I missed him... I've had the worst anxiety attacks of my life, feeling some all-time lows that nearly sent me to the ER because I didn't think I could live through it.  I've never felt so insecure, financially especially.  I have NO security right now.  I am on a waiting list for county medical assistance and can't be seen until the end of December.  I WANT help, I really want counseling.  I've tried Xanax for my anxiety attacks and it just makes me feel worse, which is really crappy because that stuff saved me when I went through my first broken heart.  I am in my third semester of medical school and have just one more year to go so I can't blow it, I need to finish so I can pay off the massive student loan debt I've gotten into.  I really thought this time we were going to make it.  I can't believe I'm back here again, starting over and all alone.  He doesn't even care, stays out until midnight or later every night.  My best friend just told me three days ago that she's pregnant and I was soooo happy for her!!!  We cried together!!  Then I got off the phone and cried alone, I'm literally the last of my circle of friends to get married or have a child.  I'm 30 and while I know that's still kind of young, I never imagined that my life would play out like this.  I'm not a bad person.  I believe in Karma.  I believe in God.  I pray.  I do unto others as I would have others do unto me.  I keep thinking back to the abortion I had about 6 years ago, he told me if I didn't have the abortion I'd be a terrible mother and I would just get fat and he would hate me because I'd blame him for it all.  Then he came up with the ultimate plan, he told me if I had an abortion he would marry me and we would do it right.  He even managed to cry a few tears and say he doesn't want another child to go through what his daughter went through, and if he could go back in time and not have her he would in a heartbeat (meanwhile she's asleep in the other room while he tells me this).  I had my chance to have the baby I've always dreamed of  having and I killed it thinking I would get it in a better scenario.  He broke up with me about a week after the abortion.  After 2 years apart we got back together and he seemed to have changed.  We always stay together about a year to 2 years before he can't handle it anymore and breaks up with me for a year or more.  I don't know why I always go back, but I won't ever make that mistake again.  If I can only manage to find a place that will take this housing scholarship so I can get out of here and on with my life... I wish I could go back in time, I'd do so many things different.  I guess this post was more of a rant/blog then asking for advice.  I know what I need to do, it's just hard to do when I feel so alone and distraught at hopeless.  I just wanted this guy to love me.  I love too much.  I need counseling.  I need to buck up and just get over it.  I need to snap out of it, he's a piece of sh!t.  He treats me like dirt.  Why can't I just get over this?!!?!?!?!?  I need prayers or a miracle or something I don't even know. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 11:15am

Well you know this guy is terrible for you & abusive and you know you need counseling, so let's just send you some positive vibes so you can get your housing scholarship & get out of there.  I'd say for now concentrate on school--you know you're not going to have that much time for a relationship while you're doing internship & residency anyway & you don't want your performance to suffer because of a bad relationship.  Then you're going to get out & be an awesome doctor and he'll probably go on to abusing some other poor woman and you'll be so thankful you're not with him.  It's sad that he pressured you into an abortion, but probably better that you don't have a child with him because if you can convince yourself to stay away, then you'll never have to see him again. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 11:17am

sharissa82 wrote:
<p>I have posted on this board more times than I can even remember.  I've received a ton of great advice and constructive criticism, but I always manage to end up in the same place.  Well here I am again, broken up with the same man that I've allowed to shatter my heart over and over for almost 9 years.  The best years of my life (well, my best looking anyway!) were wasted pining over this guy.  I've done therapy, boot camp, tried a Justin Sterling Women's Weekend, spent time alone, with family, dating other guys, I've tried everything during breakups with this man to get on with my life and better myself and yet I always end up back with him eventually.  Well not this time, this time I'll draw the line and once I move out of here I'm never looking back.  Scary thing is I've said that before.  It feels different this time, we live together and he's kicking me out.  Thank GOD I was able to get a housing scholarship so I can finish school and be able to live independently (was laid off in August 2011) but I can't find a place that will accept my housing scholarship, people look at it like it's welfare or section 8.  I've been stuck living with my ex for 3 months now and it's been the hardest 3 months of my life, getting my hopes up then getting my heart broken on a weekly basis.  He would use me for sex.  Other times we would break up he wouldn't have anything to do with me, but I guess since we live together it's all too convenient for him to just f*c! me every now and then.  He is even the one to initiate it.  I thought for sure that must mean he wants to work things out.  But I ask him and he would just GO OFF ON ME, yelling at me about why it's over, all the horrible things I've done, what a terrible person I am, and what a great guy he's been to me but I "F@CKED IT ALL UP AGAIN".  He's such an abusive bastard.  This has happened a few times, because after a week he will lighten up and be nice again and try to have sex with me and I'd give in because I missed him... I've had the worst anxiety attacks of my life, feeling some all-time lows that nearly sent me to the ER because I didn't think I could live through it.  I've never felt so insecure, financially especially.  I have NO security right now.  I am on a waiting list for county medical assistance and can't be seen until the end of December.  I WANT help, I really want counseling.  I've tried Xanax for my anxiety attacks and it just makes me feel worse, which is really crappy because that stuff saved me when I went through my first broken heart.  I am in my third semester of medical school and have just one more year to go so I can't blow it, I need to finish so I can pay off the massive student loan debt I've gotten into.  I really thought this time we were going to make it.  I can't believe I'm back here again, starting over and all alone.  He doesn't even care, stays out until midnight or later every night.  My best friend just told me three days ago that she's pregnant and I was soooo happy for her!!!  We cried together!!  Then I got off the phone and cried alone, I'm literally the last of my circle of friends to get married or have a child.  I'm 30 and while I know that's still kind of young, I never imagined that my life would play out like this.  I'm not a bad person.  I believe in Karma.  I believe in God.  I pray.  I do unto others as I would have others do unto me.  I keep thinking back to the abortion I had about 6 years ago, he told me if I didn't have the abortion I'd be a terrible mother and I would just get fat and he would hate me because I'd blame him for it all.  Then he came up with the ultimate plan, he told me if I had an abortion he would marry me and we would do it right.  He even managed to cry a few tears and say he doesn't want another child to go through what his daughter went through, and if he could go back in time and not have her he would in a heartbeat (meanwhile she's asleep in the other room while he tells me this).  I had my chance to have the baby I've always dreamed of  having and I killed it thinking I would get it in a better scenario.  He broke up with me about a week after the abortion.  After 2 years apart we got back together and he seemed to have changed.  We always stay together about a year to 2 years before he can't handle it anymore and breaks up with me for a year or more.  I don't know why I always go back, but I won't ever make that mistake again.  If I can only manage to find a place that will take this housing scholarship so I can get out of here and on with my life... I wish I could go back in time, I'd do so many things different.  I guess this post was more of a rant/blog then asking for advice.  I know what I need to do, it's just hard to do when I feel so alone and distraught at hopeless.  I just wanted this guy to love me.  I love too much.  I need counseling.  I need to buck up and just get over it.  I need to snap out of it, he's a piece of sh!t.  He treats me like dirt.  Why can't I just get over this?!!?!?!?!?  I need prayers or a miracle or something I don't even know. </p>

Have you contacted a women's shelter to find out if they've got a line on housing that will take your housing scholarship? Truth of the matter is you're in an abusive relationship and you need to get out of there quickly.  Your best bet in the interrim is to contact a domestic abuse hotline:

http://www.thehotline.org/ 

1−800−799−SAFE (7233)

 On this site, there is a board for domestic abused:

http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/crisis-resources/recognizing-dealing-domestic-abuse

As far as therapy is concerned: what about your school's student organization--I'm not quite sure how it works with meds students, but there has to be some central office which deals with student's affairs, like tuition, etc.  Have you looked into the residency students in the psychology department who may be counselling patients under supervision as part of their residency requirements for their degree?

Right now, what you and your boyfriend did for 9 years is irrelevant--what is relevant is that you are drowning in that leaky raft of a life you have with him and you need to get out of what you're in and the best way to save yourself is to jump in the water and swim hard.  That means you're going to have to be a little uncomfortable for a while til you settle yourself back down.  In order to save your life, you may have to postpone med school for a semester in order to save your life--either that or submit yourself to his abuse and stay for the year to finish.  But if you don't attempt to locate relief and instead think that he is going to change just because he's being nice because he wants some, then you are going to spend another 9 years being miserable.

Also, if all you're going to do is read good, constructive advice and then dismiss it, then you must own the consequences of doing that, too. I'm sure you know that doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.

You have to save yourself, darlin'. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 10:31pm

Someone once told me that the definition of insantiy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the results to be different.  I am not calling you crazy, I am saying that you need to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and put yourself down somewhere more stable.  You seem smart in every other area of your life except for this guy.... but in your case that is a huge area.  You know you are not a crazy person, so take a step back and see the big picture.  This guy is quicksand... the more you fight against him the more you are sucked in and stuck.  Stop fighting with him... he doesn't exist to you anymore... focus on you and getting yourself healthy.  Most colleges do offer free counseling for students, I am using the services at my college to stay strong through my break up I am going through now.  I also used them for another break up 5 years ago and it really helped me.  Just focus on you, you need to get out of that house, live in your car if necessary, a woman's shelter, there ARE places to go if you truly want to get out.  Cut your losses and save yourself.  How much longer are you going to let this man torture you??  Write down affirmations that help you, pray, workout, go to school, do whatever you need to do... you said you two had broken up for two years before, so you clearly CAN get away from him... now do it again and stay away.  I printed out the advice I got on this board and a few other articles that helped me and kept them in a folder, whenever I am feeling down I read them and it just re-affirms that I am doing the right thing.  l also wrote down a list of all the reasons I want to break up with him and keep it that way, no more charming me back into the relationship.... every time I am remembering the good times and feeling down I pull out that folder and remind myself that this is NOT the man I love.... the man I am supposed to be with would NEVER do to me the things that are written in that folder. Don't worry about the far off future, what do you need to do to get yourself through the next hour, what is best for YOU  (answer... not him).   But at the end of the day everything is your decision.  Where you find yourself sleeping tomorrow is up to you, next time he tries to be nice and 'make-up' it is up to you if you sleep with him or not, if you are still in that house next week, next month, next year is all up to you... you know what the consequences of your actions will be if you keep doing what you're doing.  Now decide whether or not you are going to do something to change it.  You are the only one who has to live with the consequences of your choices... make choices that are good for you.