just frustrated, you know?
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| Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:50pm |
hi everyone...i need a place to vent and get some advice, so i'm hoping this will help. i think my friends are sick of hearing about this, and at this point, i don't really blame them.
the basics -- i met a guy at 20, married him at 22, divorced him at 27; met another guy immediately, fell completely in love with him (in every way totally above and beyond anything i'd felt for my ex-husband), but this guy has lots of issues...he was verbally abusive at times, would play mind games (as in, "you're offended by that? but i was just joking" or "don't take yourself so seriously" etc). BUT i still loved the guy somehow. that went on for about two years, then i started feeling sick of how he can be, started seeing that there were important things we don't have in common (ie. i'm healthy and fit and he's 6', weighs about 240 and smokes).
I started keeping a journal with a lot of these thoughts about him in it. meanwhile, i felt i still very much wanted to be with him and work things out. he talked about engagement quite a bit, moving in together, etc. i had my reservations, was waiting for the changes he seemed interested in (quitting smoking, being more active). then, one day while i was at work and he was at my place, he read my journal, which had been tucked away in a drawer.
long story short, we exchanged some heated words and we split. he gave me half ass apology for "violating my privacy." i didn't apologize for anything he'd read (some of it not that flattering, but hey, that's a journal). he plagued me with texts/emails re: did you ever love me/when were you going to tell me any of this/etc etc etc. i answered none of it, feeling as though it was his pandora's box that he opened. why would i reassure him of these things, considering how he'd violated my trust?
anyway. despite this i am STILL having a pretty difficult time. thoughts of him, whether he thinks of me. slight thoughts of wishing things were at least amiable. thinking it's such a waste to spend two years with someone and then just flat stop talking to them. any thoughts on this out there?
also, just hating to be alone. how to meet someone else now that i'm in the working world (an attorney, and so is he, but in another city). will i EVER meet anyone else...i really get choked up about that one.
thank you to anyone who can add their two cents to this...i know i rambled. but i just want to get through this, but i still have doubts and mixed-up feelings about him.
thanks all.

Hi loveandsomeverses and welcome to the board.
::thoughts of him, whether he thinks of me. slight thoughts of wishing things were at least amiable. thinking it's such a waste to spend two years with someone and then just flat stop talking to them.
I think someone needs to write a book about this....everything you feel is NORMAL.
thanks for that response...added detail though - i met him while i was still (unhappily) married, while in school. i'd been attracted to him for two years and knew he was attracted to me as well, but i stayed clear of him until i realized i did not want to be married to the man i was married to. then when i separated from my husband, he and i got together in this ridiculously intense/passionate/obsessive relationship the likes of which is probably never sustainable for any couple and nor should it be.
however, i deeply loved him, even his "lesser" traits. he challenged me, and in a way, he made me much, much stronger than i've ever been. he saw me as capable, strong, intellegent and beautiful, and i believe those things about myself. and yet he still "trapped" me in this pattern of use/abuse in which he'd periodically "strike" at me in order to see me writhe and, predictably, i'd demonstrate/validate my love for him at those times, thus feeding what he needed - the chasm in him that exists, and has existed prior to my being on the scene; this pit in him that consists of his insecurites and fears. it was very difficult for me to feel that i understood all of this about him, and wanted to help him, but kept failing to be able to do so.
he's witty and intelligent and was certainly imperfect. but i could have loved him forever if he would have put in any amount of effort for himself, as well. i guess i'm in mourning about this; in the past i've been in much more agony about it, but now, i'm just so deeply...sad....about it....