Just got dumped...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2005
Just got dumped...
4
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 2:54am

Yes, my boyfriend just broke up with me... over email.

Here's the main part of the letter:

"Sorry for seeming so grouchy when you where texting me. It's just that I have been thinking lately that I'm not sure if I want to have a girlfriend right now. It seems like a pretty big commitment right now and I don't know if I can handle it. I think you are a great girl and I really enjoy being around you. It's just that right now it seems like I have some pretty big life decisions to make, and I just think it might be easier without a girlfriend. I feel bad for not doing this face to face, but I'm not sure I would be able to. I hope to still keep in touch, but it seems like things weren't working out that well, maybe it was the distance thing, I'm not sure."

It's true, I noticed a change in his behaviour a few weeks ago, and stupid me kept making excuses for it like oh he's just sick or i'm being too needy I should just chill. I was planning on talking to him this weekend (in person!!!) but he beat me to it. And yeah, he's got some big decisions to make about what he's going to do with his life, but really... all just silly excuses right? The whole, it's not you, it's me bull?

I have a hundred thoughts running through my head right now, I can't sleep and it feels as though I have been punched in the gut. I'm sad that it didn't work out, and I'm totally pissed that he didn't have the decency to tell me in person. Yeah we are long distance, but I just saw him yesterday, he could have spoken to me then. Weak. Just makes me think he really didn't care about me much at all - if he did he would have had the decency to tell my in person, or even at the very least over the phone.

The whole comment about wanting to remain friends, is that just a line? I mean, if he wants to be my friend he can start by talking to me, right?

A part of me wants to try calling him or emailing him back... I want answers, don't I deserve them? I am a human being and I have a heart, how can people be so thoughtless?

Thanks for listening :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 3:29pm

Hi lulu_lemon and welcome to the board.


Being a coward doesn't mean he didn't care throughout the relationship. If you call, I'd be willing to bet you wouldn't get the kind of answers you want or the response you want. Instead start with an UNSENT letter, vent on paper, tell him exactly how you feel about him being a coward, about what he did and didn't do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2005
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 5:20pm

Thanks for your response. No, I haven't responded to the email. I did try calling his home and cell phones, just once each. He didn't answer either. At the time I called I was really angry at him for emailing the break-up. I left a message asking him to call me back, which he hasn't.

I have had a day to calm down a bit, and I won't be calling him again. I have thought about replying to the email though, just to say that I understand why it ended, and that I'm okay, just think he could have found a better way to do it. And also to wish him the best of luck with these life decisions and tell him that I would be up for being friends eventually. I don't hate him at all and do wish the best for him.

Any point in writing the email? Or should I just leave it alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 5:44pm

Hi again,


Probably no point, especially if you don't want a friendship. If you want to blast him just to blast him, well, you are right, it won't do any good.


Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:41am
Hi! Just to follow up from cl's note. I'm in a similar situation and you can read my posts. But writing an email to vent or blast feels great for about 10 minutes but it doesn't take away the pain or the cause of the pain which is the break up. In my case, I vented, nothing nasty, just blunt and in retrospect probably hurtful to read and not really advancing my own healing. I ended up writing an apology for what I said and that made me feel better. But all the whole thing did was drag out by a few days my path to getting over it. If someone breaks up they have their reasons. If they chose not to talk it over, or do it by email or disappear, it's appalling behaviour but it's not YOUR behaviour it's theirs. You have every right to feel hurt, angry and sad, but writing him isn't going to change those feelings, only time and no contact will. And just so you're clear, NO CONTACT is about YOUR healing, not for trying to punish or get him back. Check out the great book "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven A Carter that deals with the situation you describe---sudden break up over commitment issues. YOu can order it and it'll help you. It's got a great recovery program at the end with very prescriptive advice. Good luck!