just got rid of a cheating boyfriend, an

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
just got rid of a cheating boyfriend, an
18
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 6:47am
Hello, I am 24 and up until today was in what I though was a serious realationship. I found out that he cheated on me with one girl(oral sex and a dates) and had sex with another sometime ago. Please help me I am so lost with out him. I cant sleep becasue he is not there with me, i am worried about STD's and part of me wants to forgive him and take him back. We lived together for 2 years, and i thought he was my soul mate. I cant belive he would do this to me, this is my first time dealing with a cheating partner, and only my second time dealing with the break up of a major relationship. I feel like i will never find anyone again, have you ever been in this situation? And i am worried about the STD thing becasue the girl she slept with is dirty and had serious drug problems in the past, i am so lost i dont know what to do...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 7:20am

Hello my friend,

It's a terrible sense of betrayal isn't it? The good thing is, you do NOT have to make any decisions today or anytime soon. Take your time but stay away from him for awhile. His presence will create discord emotionally and you need to sort this out.

Keep in mind it's best NOT to take his infidelity personally.

You have two choices: take him back and risk it happening again and getting an STD or worse. If you take him back ask yourself, will I ever feel safe and secure?
Or you can dump him. You will find a man that treats you as you want to be treated..know that.
Now the pain is intense but do NOT let him be the drug that calms and comforts you..

Peace..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 3:52pm
I am in a similar situation, only mine is compounded by the fact that I work with my ex and have to see him everyday, have to see him smile, laugh, be happy, dating again, while I am in agony and pain and feel like I have no life without him and am still in the stage where I cant believe he can just walk away after a year like it was nothing and start again in a week while I cant even get out of bed, and i look like death because I dont sleep well, i imagine him in bed with someone else, loving them the way he loved me and cry, when i do manage to fall asleep, i dream of him and wake up crying, it is a nightmare when i am asleep and when I am awake
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 4:50pm
I never thought for the life of me that I would be so hurt by a man I only loved. Nothing but pure love. It was honesty and just love. I cant tell you people what I feel right now after he told me that he has friends. friends? what he did wasnt dating but just friends that he had to f***. and what was I? was I just this blind girl who madly fell in love a man who I meant nothing to. Was just another peice of ass for him. Its been almost a month. some days I'm over him and some days I'm just crying all day feeling so low, and unwanted. Whats wrong with our men. I still cant believe he would do that to me. to cheat and lie about everything. I'm hurt. I want to move on but part of me is still not there. his still in my dreams and I'm mad at him too, but why doesnt he just leave me alone. I want to think that his no longer on this planet. why can he just go away. I dont know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 9:57am

Hi,

i just read your post and my heart goes out to you. I've been in my current relationship for two years and i was told that we can't go on. well its a long story but in short i think its over between us. I couldn't think how i would survive without him, just the thought of him not being near me is driving me insane. but i guess life has to go on and like everything else this too shall pass. the pain will subside slowly. i've been crying my eyes out for the past 3/4 days, haven't slept at all n can't get myself to eat. but i guess we have to move on with our lives. take care of urself, we will survive. n about the std, please get urself tested, there are a lot of anonymous govt clinics which will help you with those.

take care and please do not hesitate to write. i guess we can support each other n heal ourselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 10:28am
Me too, I just spent another sleepless night crying,10th in a row, of course my friend calling me last nite telling me she heard my ex on the phone with his new girlfriend he is seeing a week and a half after we broke up didnt help either, we work with him, she said she figured it would help, like prove that It was a good thing the relationship ended and help me realize its really over, all it did was rip my guts out, and now i just keep going over in my head the things he is saying to her that he said to me and driving myself crazy with the not sleeping, not eating, not leaving the house depression that is overwhelming, and have to see him at work everyday and occasionally speak to him, luckily since we broke up we havent had to interract, he makes it pretty clear he is avoiding me and wants nothing to do with me but I know sooner or later we will have to speak at work and I have no idea how to handle it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 10:59am

Hi there,

Well its time to move on sister. i knw i've tried saying n playing this in my head i don't know more than a hundred times maybe that i've to move on but i guess its not that easy. I know i still love him n i also know that he still loves me, there are tons of other issues involved n to top it all he met his old school friend who helped him ease his tension when he needed someone most. i wasn't there at tht time as he was in india n he spent 1 week with her n i guess he felt good. but he now feels he has developed feelings for her. i was gobsmacked that he valued that 1 week compared to the two years we had put into this relationship. anyway, i still can't get over him but i've now realised that at this point ofcourse life looks impossible without him n that i can't imagine myself without him near me....but as always life goes on, no one is indispensable...he is still very precious to me but i think it would be difficult to dwell in what we had rather than now look at future n think of better things to come.

i hope this makes some sense.. i read this article just sometime back on this site n the thing i realised n again what i've noticed through one other experience in the past is that men feel some kind of a weird satisfaction when they find that we r still upset over them etc, etc all you can do now is to get ur act together, as in try to look happy n be as normal as u can n if he speaks to u just be cool as a cucumber, u might be dying inside but don't let him see that, act as if u couldn't have been better without him. it will make him wonder n give you some pleasure.

take care of urself n keep writing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:04pm
Thanks for all the support
we talked on the phone and i have done some of my own investigating and i found out that he selt with #1 4 times, well thats what he admits to, he kept saying twice, but i know of the girla nd said i could get her number and would call, he knew i would becasue i already called #2 to find out all the sh** he told me isnt true. I did so much for him, i already have his xmas present picked out and on hold, one of those new x-boxes. BUt i still miss him, everything was fine before this, we didnt fight much, had a good sex life, he was they type of guy women dream about, did housework, cooked and always said that he loved me, he even got mad when i would forget to kiss him good bye in the morning..Have anyone of you ever taken back a cheater and made it work? I am thinking about looking into counseling, but he admitted that he needs to see someone on his own
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:18pm
Its funny you should say that because after the 10th sleepless night in a row, i decided this morning that I am going to call a therapist because I am just not able to do this on my own, the fact that my friend called me yesterday and decided I should know he is dating someone else and overheard them on a telephone conversation (we work with him) sent me into a complete downward spiral, its only been a week and a half and he is with someone else, who I am positive he was with before we even broke up, he denies it, but there were so many signs, the cell phone being left in the car or off when its around me, him being unreachable for hours during the day, no one being able to find him, our sex life dwindling, and now this lastest kick in the teeth, and another sad thing is all of our friends are like, no way, he wouldnt cheat on you, he wouldve told someone, blah blah, but they didnt live with him, and see the changes and difference in the way he began to treat me, and finding someone else in a week? I dont think so. But i still second guess myself, did I do the right thing, maybe our friends are right and he wasnt cheating, I never actually did catch him doing anything, and now maybe i lost the love of my life because I didnt trust him because of my own insecurities, maybe he just needed some space and I didnt give it to him, I just invaded it more asking him where he was and what he was doing when I felt him pulling away, and thats the worst part, wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life letting him go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:05pm

Hi,

a lot of what you wrote is exactly like what i went through. he was considerate, i kept thinking how lucky i was to find him, he took care of me through illness n everythign was picture perfect....till one day i came to knwo tht there was something goin on between him n my so called close friend. i was devastated but i knew tht he was really sorry about the whole thing, i mean they dint have sex but it was painful even then. he said tht i could breakup if tht was my decision but he was really sorry bout everything n i loved him n was not ready to breakup, things took a really good turn after that. it was like heaven.

then i went home (india) after completing my studies and he missed me soooo much tht i think he was depressed, then later he decided life has to go on n he tried to take me off his mind. i don't know why he felt tht way coz i used to call him all the time n have kept in touch with him the whole time. anyway, recen;ty he went home n he had a terrible time there, so the last week before coming here, he met his school friend n now he has feelings for her. we discussed tht things were not working between us n his parents also din't like this relation, anyway it was by accident tht i found out bout his friends...and thts when the whole thing was like a lesson from history.

i am soooo in love with him n i think i depend on him soooo much tht i am willing to take him back but of course its always there in the back of my mind wht nxt is goin to happen, how is he goin to mess things now, a number of questions...all unanswered.

like i said before, i feel like i've been to hell n back n now am so exhausted tht i just want to get out of this. so one time i feel i can live without him n then by the time its lunch time there is this fear growing inside me n by the time its 6:00/7:00 pm i am panicking bout my life without him.

i don't know what to do but i don't want to put myself through this horrible phase especially since i've never done anything wrong other than being 100% loyal n honest with him. so i've figured that its goin to be there at the back of my mind all the time that if i took him back wud the same thing happen. also another thing is that i've become insecure after the first time he cheated. i was a very secure person, not suspicious n not possessive at all. but its changed a bit, tht experience made me very insecure.

so think about it, r u willing to take him back n can u trust him after all that has happened. n as regards counselling, go ahead with it and maybe at a later stage u can involve him ofcourse he has to agree to it first.

anyway, take care of urself

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:16pm

Hi,

i felt so bad after reading your message. but please don't blame urself for the end of ur relationship n if u felt insecure n questioned him it was probably coz u were right. no matter what ur friends say u r correct u saw the changed in him n if u felt it u were probably right. a womans intuition is very strong, some of us can just sense when something is amiss. so please don't blame urself for any of it.

n as for him dating someone...however insensitive it sounds he has moved on n now its ur turn. u can n shud grieve coz u were comitted but pls don't let him see tht his actions affect u, it might just give him some satisfaction. hold ur head up n act as if he is a nothing n u r thankful to the lord tht he is out of ur life n now ur life is shining like the morning sun.

take care

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