Just happened... so crushed

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Just happened... so crushed
12
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 1:28am

So this is it. Two years and two months, we just broke up like an hour ago. I knew it was coming, with all his silences and not replying to my remarks. I had my doubts about the relationship for the last couple of months. Actually, if I want to tell the story straight, we moved in together in July...

Then I quit my job because I was burning out (with his benediction) in September. I was off for 2 months, with unemployment thank God!, looking for a better job. I found a great position with benefits and a very good salary. He then admitted he was more than happy that I was going back to work since he couldn't stand me staying home doing nothing but being a couch potatoe, that he was amazed by how lazy I was, that I should have clean the house, make diner and do the laundry everyday since I was off (which I didn't do most days because I was a bit depressed by not knowing where my career/life was going). He also said I no longer had the great body I used to have, that I had put on some pounds (5 in total, to bring me to 107lbs!!!). This was hard to take. It had some truth in it, but still, why hit somebody who's down? I started having doubts then about his support and love towards me. Anyway, I started to work and things got better, though our sex life was barely existant (once every 10 days). Then the Holidays came with the stress, travelling, family pressure that comes with it. We were fine, not great, but okay. Still no sex. Since January started, I was working hard, pretending not to notice his lack of interest. I tried to make things better by hugging, kissing, asking to do stuff together, but he was not really into it, just tolerating it. I felt like running away many times, wishing we still had separate appartments. I've been feeling miserable for the past week, just knowing something was up and really wrong.

So tonight, I decided to talk to him about it. I knew everything before he said it. That he loves me in a friendly way now, thinks I'm great and wishes me the best, but doesn't see us making it really far. That he doesn't want me to lose time anymore with him, as he doesn't want to lose his time with me. I'll be 30 in 2 months and he'll be 34 this year, so time is more and more an issue, especially for me who would like to have kids. Even though I knew it, it still hurts so bad. I feel like I'm going to wake up from this eventually, that this is some kind of nightmare.

Now we have to figure out who keeps the appartment, which is a bit too expensive to my taste but on the other hand, I'd rather stay than move all my appliances (I have all of them!). Then we'll have to wonder about who's keeping what and I'll have to buy a bed and a bunch of things.

I'm just crying right now. What a mess! Why is life so complicated?!

Thanks for reading me.
Annie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 4:05pm

Well, I woke up today thinking: welcome to your new nightmarish life. I cried a lot today. With friends, with him, alone. I slept 5h only and ate a yogurt, so I feel like crap. I still love him. Not exactly as before, but somehow I know it could come back. But not on his part. He's done. It is so hard for me to let go of our life together. I love this apartment, I love coming back home to him and sleeping in the same bed every night. I just wouldn't change it, apart from him not loving me anymore. This way of living is so comfortable, so much easier... I just can't believe it is all over. When I think about moving out, I just start crying.

He keeps telling me that I will find somebody else, but I don't want somebody else. I want him to love me and me to love him like it used to be. I don't want to not see his family and friends ever again. I want things back the way they were.

Can somebody please tell me how am I supposed to keep going to work and act normal when I have to live with my ex while I search for a place to live? How long can this go on? Anybody had to live with their significant other after the break-up?

Thanks,
Annie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 5:14pm

Hi,
I have never lived with a significant other and had to deal with that aspect of a breakup, but I wanted you to know someone was listening. I really think it would be best if you could find somewhere to stay for a bit with friends or family. It's great that they are there to support you in your home, but until you're ready to make a decision about the apartment, it might be good to have some space.

No one expects you to act normal at a time like this - it's an enormous change, so nothing will feel normal. As far as going to work, see how you feel Monday morning - you might really want the distraction, or you might not be ready for that environment. For now, just try to focus on getting your emotions out - cry, scream, etc. This is a really difficult time, so be kind to yourself and surround yourself with those who care about you and lean on them.

A big hig-

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 7:36pm

I've been through the same thing. I had been with my boyfriend for 6 years (living with him for 3) when he became concerned with the direction of the relationship and wanted to live separately so that we could find our independence. Ultimately we decided to try and date and get things back (and have since broken up again), but there were a few months where for all intensive purposes we were broken up and moving apart.

I completely understand the fear and emptiness you are feeling right now. Only you know what is right for you, but personally, I strongly suggest that you move out and find your own place if the apartment is a little pricey for you anyway. We ended up both moving to separate apartments after our lease was up, and I am so glad that I did. It was so sad to go through the place and divvy up our belongings and his move in date was sooner so he began packing his belongings first. We had built a home there and as he started taking his down his pictures, packing up his books, etc. it just began looking progressively more and more barren. I don't want to be dramatic, but if you stay, I really think there is a chance that the place will just start to haunt you. You have so many memories there, and I would guess that it will take you longer to start moving on if you are surrounded by the familiar. It will also feel incredibly empty at the same time, because his stuff will be gone and it will feel like half of the home it used to be and will only serve to function as a visible reminder of what was and what no longer is.

I can also understand the complete misery that comes living with the person while working out the split. We ended up living together for a whole month (while split up) and it was extremely difficult. When I came home from work, I wanted him to hug me and interact with me that familiar way, but of course that wasn't the case. While things were civil, home was no longer the comfort zone that it used to be. It was a somewhat awkward and painful place to be. I'm sure that you are experiencing similar feelings. Unfortunately, I don't really think that there is any good way around this. This time will be difficult, splitting your things will be difficult, and moving out will be difficult. In all honesty though, it does get better. Once you move to a new place and get established, that will become your home and you will start learning to function without him. Like I said, we decided to give it another go, but there was a period of time where I was totally on my own and things did get better. (I should have just left it that way!)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know that it is a very painful place to be in life, and it's so hard to get a breather from that pain when you are coming home to the source every night. Be strong, and keep posting. I am currently working through the second break up now, and things are getting better. They always do with time...just keep your head up :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 10:20am

Thank you for your post. It is really difficult. As time passes, I realise I still love him dearly and really doesn't want to lose him. I'm not gonna do anything about it, I will not try to get him to change his mind, but this is so hard. I just want things back the way they were, I don't want any change. I feel he's the one for me even though he feels otherwise.

I wish to get hit by a car and go into a coma just to not be in this much pain yet again. I had so many break-ups, I thought it would get easier but it just doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 10:47am

I am going through something similar.. we were going to try to stay in the same house until tax return time so we could both afford to move out but I couldn't handle it. With my ex it turns out he was cheating on me so I couldn't stand being there thinking while he was gone that he was with her. I believe that if you could find a friend or family to stay with until you find your own place you'd be better off too. That way you have someone to talk to and somewhat of a distraction. I am feeling deperate right now too when it comes to wanting it to be the way it used to be. It's been a week now and I still break down and cry and wish he would call and say he was sorry and wrong to do what he did. Just wanted to let you know your not alone. Hang in there!

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 1:19pm

Annie,

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? You said that he criticized your weight when you were unemployed. I'm sorry, but what a prick!! I mean that is a big red flag right there. A guy who loves you would never do that to you and you deserve to be with someone who geniunely cares for you. Not a fair weather friend! You will be OK. I promise. Just have the attitude that, if he doesn't give a sh*& then why should I. F*** him. Sorry for the harsh language, but that's what helped me get over my ex. I mean I love myself enough to know that I don't want to waist time with someone who doesn't really love or care for me.

Peace from the Pfrog

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 6:48pm
Hey Annie, I'm going through the same thing. What do you do? I can't tell you, but as far as the apartment; would you want to be there with all the memories? Will everything remind you of what you had there before? It does it for me, except I bought the place and now I'm sort of stuck here. I would recommend cleansing your surroundings of him, to purge the things he might have left, it seems silly, but every time you see that deodorant, tooth brush, whatever it might be, your stomach will sink. I know it feels like a horrible nightmare and you can't seem to wake-up, but at some point you'll hopefully get so angry for what he has done. No one that says they love you should be able to do this to you, yet somehow they find it in themselves to do it and you are just left hanging.... What do you think you want to do next? what is going to make you happy and whole?
-Sara
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 11:12pm

wow, pretty much my story to a 'T'........... except he owns the house, so within 7 days of him telling me he's confused and doesn't want to marry ME anymore and doesn't want me to waste my time with him becauue it's not fair to me, blah blah, i am camping at my mom's trying to find another place. 3 years. yeah and i gained 10lbs or so. god forbid i get pregnant, wtf would he have done then?

worst part is i moved out on friday and tonight i had this uncontrollable urge to call him, so i tried 3 girlfriends first, all voicemail, so i knew i was screwed.
i gave in and called him which sucked because he pretty much reprimanded me saying we can't break up and move on if we keep in touch (it was my idea to not have any contact though!) i thought he would understand and would be feeling the same urge. how can you go 3 years and then no contact, BOOM forever??
so after 2 minutes of akward babble i hung up feeling like the ultimate moron, giving him the upper hand yet again. i'm tired of letting myself feel like the lil puppy sitting patiently and waiting for him to pat my head and give me attention.

he was the one who actually asked if we could still be friends and date and that he drove by my school, prepared to talk to me and call the whole break up off. talk about emotional confusion.

something that did make me feel better, do a search on Yahoo for LOST LOVE POEMS ....actually makes you laugh a little and realize 'maybe i am not such a reject just because he doesn't love me anymore'

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 11:01am
I know exactly what you are going through, even though my situation wasn't cheating. He had decided that he wasn't going to leave and I had said the same at 1st. But when he suggested we could just be "roommates" I decided leaving would be best, even though the apartment is in my name. When I met him, he was living with a "roommate" and he and I were sleeping together, at the time, I didn't know his situation, but I refused to let him put me in the same sort of position. Reading one of the other posts someone replied to you about how their ex almost called the breakup off, same thing happened with him. Told me what he ALMOST did, which was calling me and telling me to just come home. Its sad for me too because I have gotten very attached to 3 wonderful little girls that like to spend time with me and we all have fun together. Its really hard when I think about how I will never truly be apart of the family. I don't have any kids of my own yet so I just get comfort in knowing that one day I will have my own family and that no one will be able to take them away from me. Although I moved out, still have had contact with him, haven't been able to move my furniture out yet. I saw the children the other day, they were so happy to see me, I almost cried and feel like crying just thinking about it. I am still trying to get closure on the whole situation because one minute he' Dr. Jekyl and the next, Mr. Hyde. But it does get better. Have kinda gotten used to not seeing him everyday and not having him in the bed with me. And i definitely don't miss the arguments, have had a lot less tears since the split. Even though its a cliche' time, time does heal all wounds.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 8:20pm

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and support. It has been a strange week. Actually this is the strangest break-up I ever had. Some days I'm fine, just going to work, coming back and talking to him normally about my day and my plans for the future. Then some days I'm mad at him and can't even talk to him 'cause I'm scared of what I would say. Then the other days I'm sad, I cry and he comes over to hug me, telling me it is okay, it will get better. He says it hurts him so much to see me cry. Isn't it ironic? He's the one doing it to me.

I'm starting to think this is the right thing for us, to split. He doesn't love me, he never really did or not in the way I think love should feel. Still hurts, but I know it will be worse when I move out and don't get to see him every day.

So I make a lot of projects for myself, like I will paint my bathroom turquoise, I will buy furniture, take salsa classes, do watercolor painting again, cook new recipes and have people over once a month. The thing is, for those projects to happen, I need an appartment and so far, I've had no luck, which is no surprise since the market is difficult in my city. I don't know when I'll be able to get out of here... and that kills me! I wish time would go faster...

Annie

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