Just help, thats all. No idea who to talk to x

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
Just help, thats all. No idea who to talk to x
5
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 3:13am

    Good morning, 

    Today has been a challenge, well the past few months have been actually but today I am at breaking point and need advice for what to do.  I have separated with my partner of 8 years, we were engaged but not married and do have a darling daughter who is 7.  I have 2 step children that lived with us full time as there mother is an alcoholic.

    The stepchildren - After getting engagaged, their mum also got engaged and I feel that they children have become very upset about it all, they started lying about me and saying that I was not very nice, they are 8 and 10.  Obviously thier Dad (who carries a huge amount of guilt from his previous ex and her adiction) belived them and asked me to leave.  That was 3 months ago now, we agreed counselling after a long slog, we have each been to a booking in appointment and have arranged for my step children to attend indivual appointments also.  Our own daughter is too young for this so they are looking at options on how to help her to cope, though I feel she is doing pretty well, she is unaware of the accusations that my step children have said to my ex.

    My step children have said a few hello's when I have seen them, smiled at me at school concerts etc. and I honestly that given the time and space we could sort this out at a family however the ex is getting pretty foul mouthed over it all, aside from the rumour spreading which she is doing whilst drunk it would appear that she is also really poisening her children against me.  This morning my step son actually held his school bag in front of his face in order not to see me, this is the first time he has ever done this and I found it very upsetting.  I asked if anything had happened outside of ear shot of them and my ex just said ' it is what it is '  I don't think he is encouraging them either.  Which makes me think that I am holding on to some sort of happy future as a family for absolutely no reason and with little hope that could happen.

    Any advice would be appreciated.  My Ex is a very strong willed man, which I have always loved but now I feel as though bully tactics are creeping in and I really don't want that.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-20-2009
    Tue, 04-22-2014 - 11:08am

    There are so many things going on here!  There are unhappy and spiteful step-children.  There is a fiance that chooses to believe his children (who are learning from their mother) over his fiancee.  There is your own daughter who will inevitably be drawn into the drama.  There is her father who seems to choose his ex wife and children over you and your daughter, his as well.  He asked YOU to leave?  And that is going to fix what?  You say he carries "guilt" about his ex wife?  Why?  Did he buy her alcohol?  Or did he drive her to drink?  You say he's "strong willed"?  No, he's a spineless wonder, he's blaming you for his problems, and his inability to cope with his problems, and deal with his children's problems.  Last but not least, why have you been engaged, but not married for 8 years?  Right there is a problem.  Engagement should mean a wedding to follow.....otherwise it's just a "gesture" and means nothing.  He is obviously not capable of dealing with problems in his life......first it was his ex wife, he divorced her, and now it's you, and he told you to leave!  Do you see a pattern?  You need to get an attorney and make sure you get financial support for your daughter, and then move on with your life.......this man is just a weight around your neck. 

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-14-2014

    I honestly believe your life will be filled with struggles from here on out if you continue with this relationship. Your fiance showed his children where his allies lie. He indeed opened pandoras box, while no parent wants to call their children liars, he also did not show them that families stick together and work things out. His children have now discovered the power they hold against you with their father. In my opinion this is just the first time in a string of many to come as they grow, since dad already showed them how well it worked. Regardless of the kids mom's drinking problem, your fiance didn't show a united stand with you. Hugs, sorry for your struggles. Step children are never an easy road. 

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 11-28-1999

    After being together for 8 yrs, doesn't your partner know what your character is like?  Since the kids have lived with you, he must have seen you and the way you interact w/ his kids, so it's very strange that he believes that all of a sudden you are not being nice to his kids where for 8 yrs everything was fine.  Why would he take the word of little children against you?  I think it's very sad but at least you are going to counseling so I hope this 3rd party can help him see the light--although I think he really owes you a lot of apologies and explanations if you are going to go back.  I don't know if I would even want him back after this.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-13-2014

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I hadn't realised I had actually got any response as the emails don't sem to be coming through to tell me.  Anyway, you are all saying tha same things as my friends, so reading all of these sounds so familiar.  Why is it I can't see any of this and can't see how life works without us being together.  I have just come off the phone with my very best friend who is reallt struggling to understand why I am trying to make things work.  Has he got me under some sort of spell?  I am so sad and unable to focus, I need something to shift in my head to help me to cope with all of this. x

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-13-2014
    Thu, 04-24-2014 - 11:00am

    Since I wrote this, my ex has decided that he doesnt want to attend counselling but that the children should.  Our own daughter is too young to go to private sessions but my two step children have gone today for the first time.  I am happy they have gone but they spent last night with thier mother who will have no doubt been filling thier heads full of nonsense.  I am concerned that reality has not quite so obvious to them as they will both really like the new reality where they get rewarded with new bikes and also get to spend more time with thier own mum.  I really hope that the counsellors are good enough to see through all of this and get to the bottom of the problem which is no to lay blame at my feet.  I have asked if thier own mum even knows about the counselling and with no suprise at all that message has been ignored, so he doesnt want me to know if she knows or not.  I will ask him tonight to his face though and see what the answer to that is, he has his ex wrapped around his little finger you see, she will not say boo to him at all.  He uses many of these tactics with me too.  Why cant I see what is in front of my face!!