Just looking for some support, I guess

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Just looking for some support, I guess
2
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 1:26pm

I feel really silly posting here since I wasn't even in an official relationship to begin with, and had only been dating the guy for about a month. But it hurts just the same, so I guess I am just needing a place to put some thoughts down.

I had been seeing a guy for a few weeks, and he had been giving me mixed signals. On one hand he tells me he doesn't see us dating and that he doesn't see himself "letting me in," and on the other hand he keeps calling and wanting to see me.

We spent a great weekend together. My guard had been coming down with him because I felt like we were getting closer and closer. He was sharing more personal information about his life, he was being very affectionate and loving, I thought I was breaking down those walls of his. So I spent Friday night with him, then I saw him again for a BBQ on Saturday, and then he called yesterday (Sunday) to invite me over for coffee. So I was at his place in the evening and he seemed like he had something on his mind but just wasn't saying much, so I thought it's a good time to ask him about where he saw us going.

I asked him if he remembered the comment he made a few weeks ago about not seeing us dating for more than a week or two, and at first he acted like he didn't remember, and then he said he remembered. So I asked him if he still felt that way, that he didn't see himself "letting me in." And his response was "I haven't let you in." So I asked him what have we been doing all this time, and he responded by asking me the same question back. He said he sees everything in his life as temporary and that he loses interest in things (including women) very quickly. And I told him that if he didn't see himself being able to open up to me, then I didn't see the point in wasting my time with him. And to that he was quiet for a moment, and then looked at me and said "Don't waste your time with me." The conversation went on for a while ... he said he heard me talking about a guy who I had started dating but how it quickly fizzled into a friendship, and he said maybe that's what should happen for us.

So I made a comment about wishing I could understand what was going on in his head, then he tells me that I don't want to know what goes on in his head. Then he goes off about how he's been in therapy for 9 months, and that he's been depressed, that he hates his house, hates his job, nothing holds his interest anymore and that he puts on a good show for people. I told him - wouldn't it be better to have someone in your corner, someone supporting you unconditionally to help you deal with your issues, and then he made a comment about how he would have to trust someone to do that, and he doesn't trust people. He said he trusts me a little, and that I know more about him than anyone in this city, but that there's a lot about his life that I will never know.

It was bizarre. And sad. And finally after a little bit more talking, I got up, put my jacket on, and told him, "I tried. But I can't stop you from pushing me away." And then I made my way to the door.

He saw me out, I gave him a hug, told him I hoped good things happen for him, and then he tells me to CALL HIM WHEN I GET HOME!!! I mean, for all intensive purposes, we just had a break-up. As much of a break-up as you can have when you weren't in an official relationship. So why would I call him when I get home? It definitely wasn't a get home safely request, because he has NEVER before asked me to call him to let him know I got home safely. So when I was giving him this look like "you have got to be kidding me" he said okay, maybe not. And then said he'd be online later and I should ping him. To that I didn't say anything, I just couldn't believe he was asking me to get in touch with him. I walked across the street to my car and left.

My girlfriend thinks he's going to call and act like nothing happened and that everything is okay. I think I won't be hearing from him. If I'm honest with myself, I will admit that I want him to call, I want to hear from him. But I know that this guy is not ready for a relationship and that it would just be toxic to be with him. So if I do hear from him, I hope I have the willpower to not answer the phone, not return the email, delete the text message, etc.

And if I'm going to be even more honest, I think what kills me most about this whole situation is that it was so easy for him to let me walk away. He didn't fight for me. And that makes me kinda sad.

So now I'm having a hard time focusing on my work - I had a huge project that due tomorrow at noon, I need all day to work on it, and I've been sitting at my computer for 2 hours now and can't focus on anything but him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 4:39pm
I thought I was the only one feeling sad about “breaking up” with a guy I’d been also dating for a month. And about the way you think you are breaking his walls when he’s actually thinking different, that just happened to me and what I can tell you is to let yourself to grieve a little, think about the good you can get from this and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 8:30pm
This guy looks like trouble to me. I would run run run and not waste one more minute with him. It's obvious he's just going to play games with you. Don't you deserve better than a guy that tells you up front that he's not letting you "in?"