Just need to let this out
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| Fri, 10-27-2006 - 7:47pm |
My boyfriend broke up with me four days ago, by phone and then had to go so we didnt' even finish breaking up! He said he would call back later and by 11pm I turned my phone off because I couldn't deal with the pain if he didn't call at all. I've been turning my phone off at night since and have had no contact. It hurts still knowing that he hasn't tried to contact me either, but in the end, I feel proud of myself for not breaking down and calling him. He was loving, he sure acted like he loved me a lot, but I think he met someone new. It is the classic story of your bf starting to distance himself, not calling as often, not making time to see you as much, and then you get insecure and vulnerable, more paranoid when he doesn't answer your calls, etc. (and I am very confident so I feel that he made me become insecure about our relationship) and that insecurity eventually drives him into the arms of another. I'm not sure he's with another, I actually don't like to think that because the pain would be much worse. Either way, I figure if he broke up with me it's not to be alone, he probably does have a new interest at the very least. At this point, it doesn't matter anymore, we are broken up and I need to move on. I am going through a lot of pain and the worst part is that this has affected my physical health much more than my mental health. This is the second time in my life this has happened, the first was when my first love broke up with me in high school, now i'm 24 and it happened again where i'm so emotionally upset over a breakup that I have lost my appetite and find myself getting weak and sad. I am already thin as it is, so I cannot afford to lose any weight. When my bf and I had problems before I was very honest about how I was hurting and how I couldn't eat. I know that it isn't attractive when your partner seems so weak they can't even eat! So, I think that added to it. When he broke it off he told me that why was I so worried about him all the time and so paranoid and that he didn't like to see me so hurt because it gave him more pressure.
See, to put this in more context, we were serious for almost a year, weve been dating for a year and a half. He has four kids by three different women, just started a real estate business so he's not broke but he lives with his mother and is too busy to give me the time I need. I am a graduate student at a top university, have no children, am attractive, intelligent and I am a very respectful, loving, understanding, open minded person. From the beginning I knew he wasn't the type of man that I wanted to marry, but it was fun dating and I am young and wasn't thinking so much about settling down. I am still not. He fell in love with me and there I went, opened up my heart to him and fell so in love with him. But I always knew deep down inside that I did not want to marry a man with so much baggage. Also, it's sad to say but he's immature for being 33 and we don't share similar core values, he has certain expectations of what a woman's role should be in a marriage and I'm more of an independent woman who is striving for a professional career where I can take care of myself. Nonetheless, (and I have really learned from this experience) I went with the flow and even though I told my friends that we would eventually break up because I couldn't see myself becoming a stepmother to all these children at so young an age, I fell deeper and deeper in love. Now he's the one who started to distance himself and eventually broke up with me. Even though the rational part of me knows this is for the best for both of us, I cannot escape the true feelings of pain, saddness, fear, rejection, and loss of appetite. I can't even talk about it to friends without crying, and today Ive spent all day in bed reading posts from people like yourselfs trying to feel better. I've thought about writing him that letter (that I will NOT send) but i'm not the type to write out my feelings. It actually took a few days for me to decide to post on this message board. Even if nobody reads this, I am hoping it will bring some comfort knowing that I got it off my chest.
Now I am trying so hard to follow the no contact rule, and reading your posts helps me to stay strong. But I'm afraid that soon enough I will get weak and want to call him. He's the type who will most likely not answer his phone so I know i will only end up more hurt. I want to know what he's thinking, I want to know why someone who said he loved me so much could have broken up with me in such a way?
I know there is no nice way to break up, but I was so good and loving to him, I'd hoped that he would have more consideration for my feelings esp. when he knows how sensitive i got lately due to his behavior. This Sunday we were supposed to see eachother (when things were going well) and i called around 9pm and he didn't answer my calls. I kept calling repeatedly until midnight when I drove by his house to find that his car was not there: he was out with someone and wasn't answering my calls. I tried to fall asleep feeling sooo hurt then at 1:30am he calls and I ask for an explanation and he says he was out with a "friend." I immediately started shaking and knew he was out with someone else. I asked him directly if he was with a girl or if he cheated on me and he said no, that it was a guy but that I don't know him. He was acting like someone I didn't even know. Then he said he and his "friend" had an interesting conversation and that he needed to talk to me but that he was too tired and had to be up early the next day so I had no choice but to end the conversation feeling like i was about to throw up. Next morning I called him knowing he was at work and after a few attempts he calls back and breaks up with me. I don't understand why some men have to be jerks and not just end a relationship in a respectful manner. Does it reallly matter anyway? I keep a mental list of all his bad qualities and things he did that hurt me, and this is definitely one of them. I think that maybe it helps that he broke up with me so I can have more reason to be angry and move on. More than anything though, i'm grieving seriously. I am sad and in pain and he's the person I wish could be there for me but it's like we're strangers now. I am going to try and have no contact for two whole months. I'll take it a week at a time for now, or a day at a time! I think when ready i'll write that letter to him but post it here instead. For now i'm trying hard to focus on getting some food in my stomach, i hate seeing myself emotionally AND physically weak right now and I do not want him to see it. He must know that I'm going through hell right now, but at least I don't want him to see it or hear about it. We have no mutual friends so it shouldn't be so difficult to cut off contact. I just wish it were 5 or 6 months from now so I could move on to something better. I wish i could start dating again but my heart just can't deal. Do any of you get sooo nervous at the thought of having contact with him? I literally get knots in my stomach to think that it might be him calling when my phone rings. My body cannot handle that shock right now. In a way i'm glad he has'nt even initiated contact, it hurts like hell right now but in the long run it'll be better for my recovery. And it also hurt that he never really liked my style, he made comments about how my sweater looked like an old ladies sweater when I got it at H&M, hello! Before that he said i wore too much black, i dont know why it even made me feel bad. Forget him! it's hard though. I miss the good times we had but someone once told me, it's the good, loving feeling that you miss, not the fact that it was with him. Meaning, I would miss those feelings with anyone that I was in love with, and many other men out there are just as capable of giving me that goood, loving feeling, not just him. Let him find a woman with 4 kids of her own so they could have their brady bunch of a nightmare family with custody battles, child support, etc. and I'll find myself another educated, fine man who will make me his whole world.

It's only been 4 days, the wound is still fresh and painful. Everything you are feeling is normal. I think him cutting the conversation off so quickly was a "sh**y" way to end things, but I also think it saved you from having a long drawn out conversation of why he was breaking up with you. Which I think is more painful to deal with. For me personally, I would've preferred the "this is not working out, i'm sorry, i'm moving on, goodbye"..instead of the 3 hour conversation my ex and I had of why "we are not right for each other" and hearing him say to me over and over that "he was not in love with me" and other painful things I wish I didn't hear him say.
What is most important right now is to give yourself time. I was a mess the first 3 weeks of my break up, but as the weeks went by it got a teeny tiny bit better, I am on my 3rd month now and yes I still feel the hurt and pain, but you know its not as bad as it was the first week. I don't want to sound like a cliche but you really just need to hang in there and give yourself time. And of course you must have NO CONTACT with him, especially the first few weeks, cause you will only end up worse off than you are now. Believe me. I contacted my ex after 1 month of no contact and you know it was the worse thing I could've done cause it set me back and I got even more depress afterwards. NO CONTACT really is the only way to go at this point.
Best of luck to you and stay strong!
T.
To end on a good note, I'm so determined to not have contact and I get all the inspiration I need from the wonderful, strong women on this board. So, thank you once again.
Be strong, this time will pass this time next year you will be free and happy. Stay positive and ask the universe for help, thats what i am doing & remember be kind to your heart.
Hugs
Milly.
Edited 10/31/2006 10:27 pm ET by mayday27