Just needing a friend.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Just needing a friend.....
3
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 4:04am

Ok, this isn't really easy to do, but I really have no one in my life who understands. I've been exclusive with the man in my life for eight months now, and though I have had my share of relationships at 28, I finally found "Mr. Right". He is everything I have ever wanted in a man, and he said the same about me. I have three kids, he has one daughter, we both love music...the list goes on and on.

Our relationship was absolutely perfect. I knew his father through my mother (this is how we met), his mother and I got along great, our children meshed perfectly...there was not a problem on the horizion. He was talking about marriage, and I was ready. We spent every night together, either at his place or mine, and our days were either together or on the phone, we loved being around each other so much. Then the tragedy hit.

About two weeks ago, he just got really far away. He couldn't come over, couldn't stay the night, just distant. When I finally pinned him down, and tried to get to the bottom of it, he said that the mother of his child had changed her ways, or so she said (she's on drugs and doesn't care much for her daughter), and that he needed to give her another chance to be with him. They've been on and off for three years now, mostly because she won't leave the drugs alone and be a mother and a girlfriend. He cried the day he broke up with me, told he that he loved me, and all it took was one step in the wrong direction for her, and he would come back to me. I love him, and if being with her would ultimately make him happy, then that's what I want for him.

Since that day, however, he won't talk to me at all. If I call, he's busy, and if he calls me back, it's almost like we have nothing to discuss. He's spending all of his available free time with her, and he won't even come around me anymore. He acts like he never loved me, and it's killing me. I'm pretty sure that he's only doing this because he thinks it's best for his daughter, but a the same time, I don't want to play the fool. My heart says that he loves me, and I just need to give him space, but how much space is too much? And what if I'm holding on to nothing? I'm very confused, very hurt, and extremely tired of everyone telling me that it's his loss, and I'm better off without him. He is the love of my life, and I'm afraid I'll wait forever.

If you were in my situation, what would you do? Tired of crying......

Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 3:10pm

Honestly? I would start to let go, if it were me. I have been in your shoes before. It REALLY sucked at the time and I couldn't understand it at all - how could he say he loved me, but then at the drop of a hat - go back to her and then ignore me?

It REALLY sucked. BUT I vowed I WOULD NOT wait around for him - no matter how much it killed me or how much I cried or how much I hurt! I am SO GLAD I stuck to it! I am now with the *TRUE* love of my life - a man who would NEVER leave me like that EVER.

I have been through SO MANY heartaches in my lifetime and over the years I have learned A LOT. The biggest lesson is to NEVER wait around for someone to make up their mind. Make up your mind to not be "second best" or to wait in the wings while he is with another woman. He is not calling you back - so forget him!!! Ask yourself this...if you two DID get back together, could you HONESTLY trust him NOT to ever go back with her? He broke one of the most important aspects of a relationship (actually 2 of them) - Trust and communication - I take that back...he broke all 3 of the most vital aspects of a relationship - TRUST, COMMUNICATION AND HONESTY! Your relationship would never be the same again!

I know that is what you DO NOT want to hear, but you are TOOOO special and too precious to waste your life on someone that does not know what the hell he wants! You have kids to raise and an entire life ahead of you! This guy - although you had great times together - is not all he protrayed himself to be!

The way I got through my hardest times was to STOP all contact IMMEDIATELY! DO NOT call him anymore! He is avoiding you - and each time you call - you feel worse because he is avoiding you! Don't do that to yourself anymore sweetie!

An AWESOME tool I used for those days I wanted to call an ex was make an index card that I kept with me at all times. On that card I wrote down EVERY little or big thing he did to hurt me - whether it was "he didn't call me back when he said he would" or way worse, "he uninvited me to his brother's wedding" - things like that. Everytime I wanted to pick up that phone I pulled that list out and literally forced myself to remember how I felt during those times and made myself realize - as hard as it was - that he DID NOT deserve to even hear my voice! This guy DOES NOT deserve you! Keep reminding yourself of that - no matter how much you hurt - you gotta keep reminding yourself of all he has done and how much hurt you have endured in order to get through this!

Another GREAT tool is to journal! Journal out all your feelings! When you want to call - get a piece of paper and a pen - or a computer screen - or whatever, and journal until your heart is content. Write out what you are feeling and just let it all out. I would do that and by the time I was done writing/typing I was feeling A LOT better about myself and didn't pick up that phone!

You are not going to be healed by tomorrow or even next month, but baby steps are the KEY to mending a broken heart!!!!

Just remember - if he was worth anything - he would have never left! If he can go back to someone that has hurt him over and over again with the drop of a hat - he is not deserving of your love!!!

By the way...the guy that left me for an ex...he called me recently because he "missed me" - do you know what felt SO awesome about that was...was that I could say that I am truly happy in my life and have a WONDERFUL man that would NEVER treat me the way he did! That really felt awesome - and when I hung up that phone, I wondered what I EVER saw in him and why I was so heartbroken over HIM of all people! You will have that day too!!!!

Best of luck and tons of love...

Denise

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 3:21pm

To me it sounds like he's saying. I want to be with my ex and my daughter, but i want you to hang on incase it doesn't work out then i will come back to you. That isn't right. I'm not saying he doesn't have any feelings for you but if he really loved you then surely he would be with you and try and get custody of his daughter if the mother is as bad as she sounds it wouldn't be hard to do. If however he thought there was really no other option than to go back then he would say. "I'm sorry, i have to go back for my little girl. We can be friends. But you need to find somone that can give you what you want and what you deserve." Not "oh i'm going back to give my ex what i should be giving you, but if your lucky i might come back someday."

To me it sounds like he's having his cake and eating it! If he really loved you he wouldn't put you in this appaling situation so you don't know where you stand. If i were you i would get out now. Easier said than done i know, when you love someone. But if he won't even talk to you what else can you do? What if he did come back? could you ever really trust him again? What if he did this again? Left you again to go back to her. I don't think this man could ever truly give you what you want and deserve. He is only going to carry on hurting you. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 4:01pm

I feel for you sweetie! I don't know how long is too long to wait, but I do know giving him the space he asked for is a must. Most likely his relationship with her will fizzle out again, and/or he will grow tired of her and the lack of love will overcome them. At the same note, this time might not be the last on again/off again affair they have, hence their history of doing this. You have to heal and cry and mourn this one, that is pretty much lost to you. He knows how you feel, he won't forget. But you have to draw a line that he can't come in and out of your life. That is too much for you to try and deal with. You are the stable one, and yes he is missing out. He probably needs to finish what he began with this women and deal with it (however badly he may) and if he can end it for good, than you could consider trying again, but right now he is not. It would be best if you could just wish him well and move on, but easier said than done.

I think you will hold on for awhile, because you know it is such an unstable relationship that he is trying to salvage. It sounds as though he is trying to spare your feelings by cutting the contact, which is what you should try. He has made this decision that he thinks is best for him. You must honor that, you don't have a choice, except to pine for what you want that you can't have it. (thats what we've all been doing) But we are also trying desperately for acceptance and healing. You will know, when your heart can't break anymore, and you don't want to cry anymore that is time to stop holding out for him. We all wish for them to come back, and he might, but with baggage like you said, and that is a hard path to continue. I wish you peace with this because it will be hard to walk away. My very best friend was waiting for someone for quite awhile and although it didn't work out, in her heart she gave it her best and she has now met someone new and is very much in love. Point being, you will have to decide that you gave it your best shot and know that their is other opportunities for love out there, I promise!

If you can, don't contact him. Try if you can to live your life to the fullest without him, or the thought of him being there with you. You don't have to find a replacement yet or even try hating him. You have a beautiful life with your children that you can enjoy without him right now. Try focusing on them and yourself to get through this, and each day will become alittle easier. You will be sad and miss him, but you don't need him. His situation will play out, and try not to even follow how its going. Thats his life and yours is great. Hopefully he will be done with it one day and you two can be together if it is meant to be. But you will be ok either way, start healing you! Sending huggs,
Christan