Just a rant

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Just a rant
3
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 7:14pm
How does one reconcile what one feels with what one should/want/need to do? How can I look him in the eye and say that I'm not happy? How can I be that selfish? Can I ever learn to be content with what I have? Will being "ok" ever be enough? Will I always feel this emptiness, this flatness?
If I look back on our life together...what? what do I see? I see some happiness and I see sadness. I feel the cumulative years of disapointment bearing down on my heart. I feel the crushing paralysis of fear. I remember the tears and the heartbreak but the one thing that I don't remember is the heart tickling feeling of being in love with him.
I see a man who is struggling to become more of what I need and I see a woman in the mirror who can't accept this gift.
I am struggling with the conflicting emotions running through me. I know that out there, real happiness is just waiting for me. I can feel it in my bones...all I need to do is reach out and touch it...it is out there. I also know that this guilt is ripping me apart...I don't know how to be happy. So few will understand that it's not anybody's fault...no one is bad or unworthy or hate worthy...it just didn't work out. Can complacency be a good enough reason to stay? Or is it a good enough reason to go?
I try to picture sitting him down and telling him about how I feel. It's a disastrous picture right from the start. No matter how I phrase the words, he will take it personally. And, quite frankly, who wouldn't? Rejection is a fairly personal matter! Regardless, no matter how hard I try, there will be no making it better for him...no making him see that "it's not him, it's me".
Because, in all honesty, it is not him...it truly is me. He has tried so hard to be the man that I need. I just don't love him as I should and he deserves so much better than the half life that I've given him.
I am a selfish, selfish woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: agirl4bunny
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 10:20am

I was recently in the exact same place that you are. I believe you will get several posts from the women here that will suggest you both go to couples counseling and try to work things out. I, on the other hand, happen to believe that while couples counseling is an extremely healthy and productive idea, USUALLY it doesn't work once you've gotten to the point that you are at. Maybe a long time ago, when the first ideas of thinking there is someone "better" out there for you were initially in your thoughts, that probably would have been the time for joint counseling. Too often though, most of us wait until we just can't stand it any longer and, in our minds, we've already left the relationship. Once you reach that point, it's extremely difficult to go back.

I recently left my relationship of 6 years. I wasn't happy, I was complacent, there were no overt problems in the relationship, no cheating, abuse. I just simply wasn't happy. And I wondered the exact things you are...should I stay, there really is nothing "wrong" with this relationship. Am I settling? Is there something "better" out there for both of us? I struggled with these questions for many many months. I finally left the relationship. And I turned to someone else immediately....that someone "better", that someone who was going to put that heart ticking feeling back into me. HUGE MISTAKE...HUGE. That someone "better" lasted all of 2 months. And now I'm almost devastated at the ending of that relationship...not really because I was in love...but because I truly thought that this was the better, and the happier, heart ticking I was missing in my relationship.

I do not believe in forever and happily ever after. This is not a bitter, angry or negative belief. But I've been through several relationships that just didn't work out and I've seen my friends and family, and the women on these boards, go through the same. There seems to be this "old school" way of thought that once you find someone, fall in love, get married, have kids that this will all be forever. Forever is a VERY long time, and for most people these days and these generations, forever is just TOO long to stay with one person for the rest of your life. We live to be in our 100's these days...the concept of forever started when people lived into only their 40's. I'm not saying that we should all move on every time we feel bored or stagnant...there is something to be said for being comfortable and "settling". But more often that not, life throws changes, tragedies, growth, love and loss at us in so many different capacities that the way we learn and grow from these changes is not always sustainable with one person.

It sounds like eventually you will probably leave your relationship...and with that I wish you all the luck and patience you will need. Be prepared for the fall out...because it WILL come. Especially since your situation also has no overt problems, be prepared to feel guilt, sadness and even emptiness when he is gone. After spending so many years with someone, it is still heart breaking when they're gone and you realize that while you may have been settling, or you may not have had the heart ticking feeling, they were still your best friend and your immediate support system. When that is gone, and you are alone in your house for the first time...reality sets in. Just be prepared for it. Even though the weight and burden may be gone, there WILL be a mourning and grieving period...as there should be.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
In reply to: agirl4bunny
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 11:25am
ishelty,
Thank you so much for your response. Sometimes when people are going through "things", they can feel very alone and your post helped me see that this is not the case.
H and I have been to counselling a couple of times and each time I leave with a resolve to do better, to try harder to reconnect with him. Even though many of the issues that have led me to distance myself from him are his, I always felt it was my responsibility to try harder.
A few years ago we separated for about 5 months. When I moved back, I resolved to myself that I would never hurt him like that again. If he could work so hard at becoming more of who I needed, well then certainly I could do the same. I feel (felt) I owe(d) our marriage vows at least that.
I am so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I do believe, though, that once you are done grieving your first relationship (and now the second one), you will be stronger for it and then you will be truly ready for that heart tickling relationship.
Thank you again and good luck to you too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2004
In reply to: agirl4bunny
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 12:43pm
You sound just like I did not long ago. My husband of 9 years and I split up a year and a half ago. I left him because I could no longer live with the way he treated me. He was incredibly controlling, manipulative and insecure. I know that he loved me, but that wasn't enough. 6 months after the split he swore that he would treat me better, and we attempted a reconciliation. I thought that I could love him again and did everything I could to nourish this. It didn't take long for me to see that I just didn't love him. He did all that I asked and treated me with more respect, but it wasn't enough. The guilt I felt inside was overwhelming. I promised him that this time we could make it work, and I felt like I'd lied to him. Like you I could look back and see the good times, and remember the tears, but could not feel the love that should have been there. It was so hard to leave him the second time, but I knew I had to. I'm not sure if the kind of love I need is in the cards for me but I couldn't live a lie and go through the motions for the rest of my life. You can't either. He may not understand at first, but in time his heart will realize that it is for the best. You're not selfish for leaving, but you would be selfish for staying. Take care.