Just talking

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Just talking
5
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 11:29am
Today has been a month since my break up and honestly, it feels like just yesterday and a million years at the same time. I guess what I don't understand in all these break ups is if we both love each other (which we both still do) and we both miss each other (which I know we both still do) then why he doesn't want me? I mean, I guess I always had the idea that love is the most important thing and anything else can be worked out from there, but I'm not so sure anymore. I mean, I know he still loves me and he misses me, but he can't be with me? It doesn't make sense to me. Well, it's been a month now and I'm standing, but still in pieces. My family has begun to realize that this will take me more than a day of crying (they were not very supportive through this thing, they gave me a day to cry then said to stop) and that it's OK for me to still be upset over all this. I still want to be back with him, which is deadly and I shouldn't be thinking that, I know, but I still do. I'm starting to forget him and that makes me happy because I think I can live better, but sad because I don't want to forget him. It's like I want to be sad and I keep doing this to myself. I wish life would just get better, that some good would happen right now; Christmas time is supposed to be this magical, special time and it's not to me. I usually love this season, and i have barely done any shopping or decorating and that makes me sad. Not only did he rip my heart out, but he ruined my favorite time of year; I wait 11 months for this and now it's gone... no magic, no lights, nothing special, it's all just gone.
Avatar for anjeliq
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
In reply to: jewelburns
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:10pm

Hi there.. I can completely relate to what you are going through. My boyfriend and I have been having a rocky month (well now ex). I got really angry one night while we were out and screamed at him and broke up with him. We didn't speak for a few days, and he called me and we tried to patch things up. We were OK for about a week and it happened again. Needless to say it was basically an unspoken thing. I gathered most of my things and left his apartment. I feel like we are just completely different people with different expectations out of our lives at times, but then other times I feel like we were perfect together. I saw him on Friday when he dropped off my mom's gift (I was hiding it as his house bc it was large) and he broke down and cried, and then left quickly saying we need some time apart. I don't know what that means. It's hard because we never even spoke about what went on.

I know how you are extra sad because it is Christmas time. I am dreading seeing my family and having them ask "Where is Keith???" It's hard when you look around and see all these happy couples enjoying themselves.. and you are alone and crying. I wish I could offer you advice on how to cope with this. All I can say is to try and do things to keep your mind off things. I've been trying. The worst thing to do is sit there and feel sorry for yourself! I hope things work out for you, and remember that if someone doesn't want you, then they aren't good enough for you anyway (I know you've heard it before, but it is true). I'm trying to drill this into my own head. I feel like if he really wanted to be with me, he would have worked a little harder at the relationship and not have taken me for granted.. and I still believe it's true. He can call me in a week, but actions speak louder than words. Never settle for anything less than what you truly want.. life is too short to be miserable. You will get through this, as will I.. it just takes a bit of time. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and enjoy the new year!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jewelburns
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:52pm

If I've learned anything in my 48 years of life, it's that love is NOT enough. It's nowhere CLOSE to enough. You can love someone very, very much, but that doesn't necessarily make him right for you--and vice versa. If your ex can't be with you for some reason, even though he loves you, then he's not right for you. That's what you need to focus on accepting as you move through the grieving process.

And there will be other Christmases. But if you truly don't want to let yourself be robbed of this holiday season, then don't. Force yourself to put up decorations, etc. Get a friend to come over and do it with you if that helps.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
In reply to: jewelburns
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 2:03pm
I have a similar situation in which my ex told me that I am his soulmate, he sees himself married to me, he loves me completely and respects me yet he broke up with me. We went out for a couple of months and were compatibe in so many ways it was scary, I'm 25 he's 26. For starters we are both scorpios and have similar backgrounds while growing up. Now you would think that a new relationship should be smooth sailing or that's what I'm told. However we met throught his best friend (aka Randy) who at the time was dating my best friend's sister, let's call her Tessa. They broke up because of a lying issue and she blamed me for not lying to cover her. Anyways I told her that while we're good friends she should not have put herself in situations where she would have to lie to her boyfriend and ruin their relationship and to take responsibility for her actions. Now while things were going well for my boyfriend and myself even though he seemed all too concerned with my past; in fact he was obsessive! He asked me about one of my ex whom he had seen and wanted details as to what went on between us. I told him that I did not want to talk about it at that time but would revisit the topic soon since I was already dealing with his ex girlfriend was throwing herself at him at the same time. Ever since he told her he became involved with someone she became quite "psycho" as he says and has been dogging his steps, calling him fifteen times a day, showing up at his house etc. Now Tessa started telling Randy things about me even to the point of saying that I had a crush on him and that I told her this once, and he in turn told my boyfriend. When they were together we even double dated once and were good friends or so I thought so whatever intimate details that were mentioned during out "girl talk" moments were passed back to Randy and in turn my boyfriend. Now you would think that my boyfriend would know me better and since he told me that he loves me so much he would give me the benefit of the doubt. I was never romantically interested in his friend and my only part in Randy's life was to smooth out all the issues between him and his then girlfriend Tessa. I would give them advice and he appreciated this. I explained this repeatedly to my ex however he's so stubborn and jealous and does not see my perspective on the matter. Anyways one of our issues was that he had asked me a question about my past and I lied to him about what he asked but then after a short while I confessed to lying and explained why I lied. He said that the thing itself was not important rather the fact that I lied was and I proceeded to say that it was something that I have guarded closely for a long time and I am extremely sensitive about it. Now I take full responsibility for my actions and know what I did was wrong and went out on a limb trying to fix things. Now that things were getting good between us and we were even planning a trip away. Then he heard some other things from his friend and decided to break up with me because I called his friend to clarify exactly what was said, he said that I disrespected him by calling his friend without asking his permission first. He has never told me to not call his friend, I remember him saying once that he does not want his relationship to interfere with his friendship. Now this girl has a lot of influence over Randy and is a very devious person and common sense is telling me that I should run and never look back since my ex is in a relationship with me yet listens to all these lies that people tell him without giving me his girlfriend the benefit of the doubt. I really love this guy and do not want to give up on him but what should I do apart from moving to another planet with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: jewelburns
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:03pm
Create your own magic, your own specialness.... pick a name from 'Make-a-Wish' or some other organization and make someone else's Christmas special. Be there for someone that has less than you. You may touch a heart and find yours has been touched as well.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: jewelburns
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 7:33pm

Jewel: Family and friends may be somewhat sympathetic to you at first, but they really don't realize that what you're going through right now is a mourning period, which is going to take some time.

Don't rush yourself into thinking that you will get over this in one night. That's not possible. You need time to heal. The only way to get over the hump, especially this time of year is to keep yourself busy. Surround yourself with positive people and go out with your friends.

I recently read a book called "Letting Go" by Dr. Zev Wanderer & Tracy Cabot. It's a good book and will help you with your healing heart.

Good luck.

GH