Just thinking...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Just thinking...
6
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:21am
So I'm sitting here, alone...it's almost 1 AM. I'm wide awake and thinking...of him, of everything that happened between us, of everything that will never happen between us. I'm thinking about the whole situation and how I handled/didn't handle it. What I could have done differently...what he could have done differently...why things can't be different now. Why I want them to be different, and why I don't...how happy/relieved I am that it's all over, how sad I am that he's gone. I have so many mixed emotions right now...

It's been 2 weeks since I've tried to contact him, one week since he's tried to contact me. I feel much stronger than I ever have...I feel in control of myself and like I have the power now. I still think about him often...what he's up to, how he's doing, if he's happy...I wonder if he thinks of me. Does he miss me at all? Does he wonder why I haven't responded? Does he think that I've forgotten about him? Does he care?

I had an urge to contact him earlier...for the first time in awhile. Don't worry, I didn't. I don't know why exactly I wanted to...but I was thinking of him, and the insecure, arrogant part of me took over. I wanted to contact him, make him aware that I'm still alive...make sure that he couldn't forget me just yet. I feel sad sometimes because I'm doing the exact thing he did that hurt me so much...ignoring him, acting as though he doesn't exist and never did. Pretending that two years of my life wasn't real...that he means nothing to me now. I feel guilty sometimes, like I'm the bad guy in this situation. A friend told me not to feel bad, that I had given him a chance to be friends and he blew it...but I still do. Mainly because I still care about him a lot.

At times, I still feel like I shouldn't let go just yet..then I come to my senses and realize I'm not holding onto anything. That even if he did once care about me, he most likely doesn't now...that he isn't sitting around hoping we'll get back together or even that we can be friends. He met someone else, says they're "so in love" and that he would never, ever cheat on her. He told me that she was "like me, but even more..." and that he had a feeling he would end up marrying her.

I shouldn't feel bad...he told me the exact same things when we were together--that I was his one, that he wanted to marry me, etc. I should remember that he has always been a cheater and a manipulator, that his ex-girlfriend warned me about him...she said that "he was crazy, but always managed to make others feel like they were the crazy one." He even told me himself that he had issues, that he felt like a robot most of the time, and after we broke up--that he had just been playing a role in our relationship...he said he had never managed to truly care about anyone but himself (he was afraid of getting hurt due to family abandonment problems, etc).

I look back on the past and remember all this...and I ask myself, WHY DO I STILL CARE? How could I have cared so much in the first place? What's stopping me from fully recovering? There's no way we will ever be together...I realize that, and I accept it. But I can't seem to stop caring...to let go.

I remember the bad, but I also remember the good...I remember the boy who always knew how to make me smile, make me laugh...who would call me at 8am on his way to class just to say "I love you"...who took a picture of these two stuffed animals I made him sleep with kissing...who I would spend hours with talking about everything and anything. I miss the boy who wanted to remember special dates, like the one when we said "I love you" for the first time...or when he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I miss the boy who said that I made him want to be a better person...that he had known from the beginning there was something special about me.

I remember all of this and I want to convince myself that it was just a bunch of bs...because he did lie, and he did cheat, and he did manipulate...but I wonder how he could have said the things he said and done the things he did if he hadn't really cared about/loved me. I don't know how to forget the good...even though the bad outweighs it now.

I know I'm fairly young and will fall in love again...I know that there could be, and there are better boys out there. I know that he isn't the one for me, and that he doesn't deserve to even be my friend after the way he's treated me. But I don't know how to stop caring...wishing...hoping...and thinking of him.

If he ever does think of me, at least he can cancel out those thoughts with thoughts of his new girlfriend. Sometimes I think that meeting someone would be the solution to this problem...but I don't think it'd be fair to the new guy. I'm not over my ex...there, I said it.

I have gotten stronger, my love for him has faded a lot...but I still care about him so much. I still don't regret knowing him, or sharing my life with him...I just want that important piece of me back now--my heart.

P.S. Some quotes that describe my mood right about now...

"Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never." -Charles Caleb Colton

"Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes...just be an illusion." -Javan

"It's not missing you that kills me ... It's knowing I once had you in my life that does. " -Anonymous

"Moving on is simple. It's what you leave behind that's so hard." -Anonymous

"You gotta hurt in order to know. Fall in order to grow. Lose in order to gain. Because most of life's lessons are learned in pain." -Anonymous

By the way, I'm not trying to bring anyone else down...I'm just feeling crappy right now--I'm having a weak moment. But I'll be ok, and so will everyone else :) I just needed to vent...

Take care and good luck!






iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
In reply to: kcl19310
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 5:55am
Hey Kcl, I just wanted to say thanks for your post, it sums up exactly how I'm feeling right now. I've been laying here awake since 3 am and I guess I'm staying up since I have to get ready for work in another hour or so... ugh. Not a fun way to start out the week. anyways, right now I'm not so much feeling sad about this break up as I am about break ups in general... I think it's just starting to wear on me a little more each time a relationship ends and I just think about how tired I am of opening up to someone and falling in love and having it not work out. I know my ex and I aren't right for eachother, we've been off and on for a while now, and it's a huge relief in a way to not be with him anymore, but it still hurts that he didn't want me enough to try. He basically said that he didn't want a serious relationship with me, but wanted me around part-time- that's his idea of a compromise I guess. But I said that I wouldn't settle for less than what I wanted. And it's not like this is news to me that he feels like this- for the most part, and despite what a great person he is, his actions always reflected that he just isn't really in a place in his life right now where he wants to be in a serious relationship. But it's hard not to take it personally, and I think to a large extent it is personal- I mean, if he really loved me and wanted to be with me, he would- not part-time, not only on his terms. I'm just a little sad right now that things don't ever seem to work out and that I guess I don't mean as much to him as I wish I did- I know that this isn't the last time I'll fall in love, but all of this just sort of makes me not want to again. Anyways, sorry this isn't much of a response to your post, I guess I just needed to vent. Take care and hang in there, I know in the long run we'll be ok and get through this :).
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
In reply to: kcl19310
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:58am
Hey kcl,

Sometimes it helps to just get it all out.... to look at things from every angle. What you are thinking... the what ifs, the whys, the hows, are all perfectly normal. Of course you still care. You can't just turn your feelings off like a faucet. (Would be nice, huh?)

You're doing good not to contact him. I think it's for the best. Accept the fact that it is over.... and accept the fact that you aren't going to have answers to all of your questions. You are so much better off without him!!! And someone special will come your way when the time is right.

Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:52pm
Anabells--

I'm sorry to hear that you were having trouble sleeping last night as well :( I finally managed to fall asleep after I posted...I think it helped to let everything out. At least it's getting somewhat easier...for like the first month after the breakup, I barely slept at all!

Your post about breakups in general made me sad...but I can totally understand why you would feel that way. However, I can't really relate--this was the first breakup of a serious relationship for me. None of my past relationships compared to this one. If all breakups are like this...ahh.

I'm feeling better today. I just have my weak moments sometimes...especially at night, the time when we usually talked. Sometimes I'll check online and see what he's up to (by reading his away message). It's a bad habit, I know...because it usually says something about him being with his new girlfriend and I just end up feeling crappy.

I'm so sorry that your ex couldn't give you what you wanted. But I'm glad you didn't accept his "compromise" and settle for less than what you deserve. I understand that you're getting tired of opening up to people and having things turn out badly, but please don't give up! The hardest part about love is taking the risk...sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But you never know until you try...and who knows, maybe the next time you try, he'll end up being the one. The only thing keeping me going (other than a great family/friends) is the hope that I'll find someone else...someone better, someone who loves me just as much as I love him. Because my ex wasn't that person for me.

Maybe it's just me, but I still think that all of the good you gain from a relationship (and if it's meaningful at all, it should have SOME good!) outweighs the bad. Even though I'm experiencing pain right now, and breakups suck a LOT...I don't regret being with him. And I don't want to look back on what we had as a negative thing. Maybe he wasn't the person I wanted him to be, maybe our relationship had its problems...but in the end, I learned and grew.

Good luck with everything...you're right, we'll be okay in the long run :) It's just getting there that's difficult, hehe.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:10pm
Sarazette--

You're right, it does help to get it all out...I felt a lot better after posting last night. I know that all the questions I have will not be answered...because I've tried to get closure from him in the past, and he usually ends up making me feel worse. I've started to realize that the only way I can get closure is within myself.

I remembered something today that made me relieved he isn't a part of my life anymore. We broke up, then he told me that he still loved me, blahblahblah and wanted to try to make things work...but he was also starting to see this new girl, which he didn't bother to tell me about. I had to find out about her from an AWAY MESSAGE he had put up...it said something like "out with ----, do not disturb." Well I freaked up, I was honestly like hysterical....and tried desperately to get ahold of him. I just wanted an explanation....I didn't understand how he could have told me just the day before that he wanted to be with me, then hooked up with this new girl. Guess what he did? Yup, completely ignored me...oh wait, he answered the phone once and said that he was "busy" and turned it off. So there I was, hurting like he*l and he didn't even have the decency to explain, or talk to me at all.

He told me later that he didn't talk to me because he hadn't wanted to make the other girl feel "uncomfortable." I asked him what he had told her about me, and he said nothing...that she had assumed I was "just a friend who really liked him" and he didn't bother to correct her. HA. I guess it was at that point where I should have realized what a jerk he was, huh? Unfortunately, I let things continue on&off between us for months aftter, but that's another story.

Remembering stuff like that makes me soooooooo relieved that he isn't a part of my life anymore. Why would I want someone like that?? It amazes me that guys can do total 180's when it comes to their feelings/emotions. When we began talking about the new girl, I calmed down and decided to play it cool...I pretended like I was happy for him and that I didn't care--of course, he got pissed. Haha. I should have stuck with that...

Okay, enough depressing stuff about my ex. I AM better off without him...and I appreciate your kind response. I hope everything is going well in your situation...take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:11pm
Now reading your posting really brought tears to my eyes! Kcl I've been there and I've done that, and thank God because it has made me nothing but stronger and more in control. Now I don’t exactly know all the details besides the fact that when you were together and had all the good times, like him loving you, remembering all the little anniversaries, etc. you just cant grip the fact that he acted a certain way towards you, told you certain things, but its done now and he’s telling some other female the same things. Doesn’t make too much sense to me either. But point blank, it may never make sense to you. I agree totally about how confused you may be a certain times, and very venerable, but I definitely commend you on how strong you are being, and that you wont get involved with someone else because it wouldn’t be fair. That just shows your heart, and it’s a good one. You actually feel for others emotions, and you should never lose that trait. What is so sad is that some people live their lives as if they’re the only ones living it. There’s plenty people out in the world, who have feelings, emotions, who may very well be effected by your actions, especially if your actions contradict your words. Which was the case with him, from my understanding he cheated on you. Now here goes another saying from Dr. Love and trust me you'll get sick of them "You cant make a boy into a man, no matter how good the sex is!" it's a bit funny but very true. Now this boy clearly wanted his cake, and your piece, and his piece, and her piece, he wanted the whole thing, and the worst part is that it wasn’t even his birthday party!! Get it, now you and him not only had some very special times together, but you said you spent 2 plus years with him. That’s a long time, especially to end it over, let me guess lies, fooling around, other females, etc. this boy never cared about your feelings just his own. Because once you reach a point and actually know a person and their feelings you don’t cross a certain line because that would be beyond just hurting their feelings. It would be flat out disrespect, how can he respect you as a women, a grown women at that, but will play you, and fool around on you, not giving attention to how it would make you feel if you found out. Oh yeah, he was probably thinking you would never find out! I got one thing to say to your ex, "What comes around, goes around baby! And trust me, when it hits you, its gonna hit hard, and its gonna hurt and your not going to have the people who really care about you behind you! Why you ask, because you played them!" I give you my best Kcl, like you said you are young and will be in love again, but what doesn’t kill you sweetheart, only makes you stronger.....God bless!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 6:30pm
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring tears to your eyes! :) I know that you're right and that what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger in the end...it's just getting through the whole healing process that's extremely difficult. Some days I feel fine, even happy...other days I feel miserable and lonely, and jealous...and there are even times when I still feel guilty. Guilty because of things I did in the past...guilty because I feel as though in a way, I should be happy for him that he's managed to move on and find someone new. I feel this way because I truly do care about him and his well-being...but it's so hard to accept the fact that the person making him happy isn't me. But even if he hurt me and doesn't deserve it, part of me still wants him to be happy...with or without me. I wonder if he feels the same way?

Maybe someday karma will kick in and he'll get what's coming to him. Maybe this new girl will break his heart, maybe he'll end up alone with nobody to care about him. But I don't know how much I believe in that...honestly, I bet he'll end up just fine. He's the type of person who has always had things go his way and work out for him in the end. But I wonder if he'll ever be truly happy...with himself and his life. Am I so pathetic that I actually want that to happen for him?? Is it wrong that I still care so much, no matter what he's done or how much pain I've experienced because of him?

You said that I have a good heart...and I think you're right. I just have my doubts sometimes that having one is the way to go...