Just venting...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Just venting...
5
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 1:44pm

I don't claim to be a perfect person. I have my demons and I deal with them the best I know how. I married at a very early age due to a rebound from an abusive high school boyfriend. So, needless to say, it wasn't the best relationship/marriage in the world… rebounds never are. I can even bring myself to confess to a couple of affairs with married men during my marriage, which of course ended disastrously, with the wives threatening my life and me ultimately getting my divorce. But I believe that when you go through bad things, the best thing to do is to grow and learn from them and pray to the Lord to help you do the right things the next time around. The first thing I did when I got my divorce was ask God for forgiveness for committing adultery and I vowed to never again get myself involved with a married man. So, I stayed single for a while… four years to be exact, and I was lonely as hell. I continued to pray for God to send me someone for me to love that would love me equally, because I simply got tired of being alone.

Then I met "Him". I'm pretty picky about what I'm attracted to and that may be the cause of my being single for so long, but when I met "him", he was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was single (never been married), tall, clean-cut, always smelled good and dressed nice, and had a good job and lived alone. There wasn't even any baby mamma drama with him. Needless to say, I fell head over heals for this man before we even started dating. I guess you can say I had a crush on him long before he even noticed me and was ecstatic when he finally showed interest.

When we first started dating, I was impressed in the fact that he wanted to get to know me, and not just rush me into his bed. We talked on the phone every night for hours about any and everything. We hung out and always had a really good time together. He'd take me out to eat and treat me like a lady, bought me gifts that I cherish to this day. I met his family and he seemed proud to call me his girl. All was perfect for about six months. Then, somewhere down the line something changed, and I have no idea what it was.

I started to realize that he gradually didn't want to go out and do things as much. He worked a second job and blamed it on being tired all the time, which I tried to understand. But then he became withdrawn, not calling as much and not wanting to talk about certain things. Our time together became limited to me just spending an evening at his house watching TV. I became paranoid, asking the obvious questions, "Are you tired of me?" "Is it someone else?" "Do you want to end it?" And the answers would always be the same… "Nothing's changed, I still love you." But I'm not stupid and I know when someone is starting to lose interest.

So, I started to react. I nagged about us doing more things together, giving him ultimatums to spend more time with me or else! And when that didn't work, I started going out and doing things without him, thinking this would make him miss me and want to spend more time with me. But if anything, he got more withdrawn, acting like he didn't care what I did. So, we started arguing because I started to feel neglected. I felt like he was hiding something from me and I felt I deserved to know the truth. Then I got the "I just need some space" speech, which tore me to pieces. I took this as a sign of him wanting to break up with me, and I gave him his space. Just when I thought I was over him, I started getting calls and emails from him saying how much he misses me, begging me to be patient with him because he was just going through some "things" and he didn't want to lose me. But he would never tell me what the "things" were that he was going through. He stopped communicating with me and that's where the problems started.

Now, I love this man dearly, but all this going back and forth is driving me crazy. One minute he acts like he doesn't want anything to do with me, then the next minute he acts like he can't live without me.

This Christmas would have marked us being together for a year and a half, but for the past three months or so, we've barely talked, and when we do, it's not pleasant at all. I'm very confused right now because I don't know whether to be patient and see if he'll come back around, or to just accept that fact that he doesn't feel the same for me anymore and just give up on him completely. We haven't talked at all this week. I did something really stupid last Friday that may have pushed him away completely. I called him at 3AM, very drunk and very dramatic, demanding that he talk to me and tell me what he truly feels about me. BIG MISTAKE!!! It got really ugly with him slamming the phone in my face, something he's never done. I think I lost him for good this time. I'm just taking this break up really hard, mainly because I don't know what went wrong. He's never given me any signs that he was cheating, so I don't think it's another girl. But I can't help but to wonder, what makes a man give so much love in the beginning, and then just take it all away so easily? I beat myself up thinking if I could have done something differently, things would not have changed, but he's never given me any reason to think it's something I've done, not counting the phone call at 3AM. Maybe this is some kind of punishment from God for committing adultery in the past. I don't know. All I know is that it hurts like hell. I waited a long time to be happy with someone, and I finally got it, but it just gets taken away from me so quickly with no explainable reason.

Anyway, I texted him to apologize for calling him in my drunken state, but he has yet to respond, which is a first because he always call me back when I text him. So, I guess it's really over this time. At this point, I'm going to leave it alone because I don't want to be labeled a "stalker". But I would love to hear feedback, especially from guys, as to what you think went wrong. I think what I mainly want to know is how do you guys let go so easy? It seems I cry every night waiting for a call from this man, telling me that everything is going to be all right, and we'll pick up where we left off when things were good. But I'm willing to bet he does not even think about me at this point. Life's a bitch, ain't it?

Thanks for listening. I'd appreciate any support you can give. For anyone who has not gone through it, breaking up is hard, but breaking up over the holidays is complete hell! Especially when you don't really know why you broke up in the first place. Again, thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 2:34pm
It hurts. I TOTALLY understand. but you know what's the great thing about it? Experience. You're too smart to allow yourself to go through this again. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 5:00pm

::I nagged about us doing more things together, giving him ultimatums to spend more time with me or else! And when that didn't work, I started going out and doing things without him, thinking this would make him miss me and want to spend more time with me. But if anything, he got more withdrawn, acting like he didn't care what I did. So, we started arguing because I started to feel neglected.

Have you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? It talks about the rubberband effect and the men going into their cave thing.....

::I felt like he was hiding something from me and I felt I deserved to know the truth. Then I got the "I just need some space" speech, which tore me to pieces. I took this as a sign of him wanting to break up with me, and I gave him his space. Just when I thought I was over him, I started getting calls and emails from him saying how much he misses me, begging me to be patient with him because he was just going through some "things" and he didn't want to lose me. But he would never tell me what the "things" were that he was going through. He stopped communicating with me and that's where the problems started.

Even though you deserve the truth, you can't make someone be truthful with you. You can't make them share with you. You learned first hand how he deals with 'things'...this is not someone that is willing to share obstacles, issues or stress with a partner.

Most people want a relationship to be mutual. Mutaully wanting to spend time with each other, to meet the others needs, to be interested enough in supporting their partner. Regardless of what the truth is, regarless of what he hid from you, he didn't want to share it or work on it. At some point your relationship became one-sided and he wasn't/isn't interested in fixing it.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 6:33pm


first of all, i'm sorry to hear you are going through this. you're right, breaking up at this time of the year is the absolute worst. holiday parties, christmas, new years--it's awful. but i keep telling myself if i can get through this time of year in the early(ish) stages, i can get through it all.

second, i don't think "guys let go so easily..." like you said. i think they just deal with breakups and their feelings in a COMPLETELY different way. from what i have seen, initially guys tend to shut things out, move on much quicker as far as dating than women and act on the outside as if everything is ok. but you have to realize that they are feeling the effects too--even if the breakup was on their terms. you don't go from spending a lot of time with someone to spending no time with them without it having SOME sort of effect on you. my best advice is to back off and let him come to you, if and when he's ready. that is the best piece of advice i've been given thus far in the hardest breakup of my life (by FAR).

another thing you mentioned at the end of your post was that it's hard because "you don't really know what happened in the first place". i'm right there with you, still don't know, but you eventually create closure on your own if you have to and it honestly gets easier as far as that is concerned. you kind of resign yourself to the fact that sometimes things in life are unexplainable. also, i think with more time away from the situation you will gain more clarity, i know i have.

it must be frustrating to have been with a man who tells you he loves you one minute and then acts like he wants nothing to do with you the next. that has never happened to me however from the looks of it, he is confused...very confused. and if that is the case, then giving him space is that much more important. in time if you are meant to be together he will come around. if not, then you will know that it's for the best. nothing about this is easy but it will get easier. and of course he is thinking about you, how could he not? it's easy to convince ourselves of irrational things in these types of situations, you just have to find a way to rationalize those feelings.

now realize, i am saying all this today after having posted a new thread about how i feel that i'm moving backwards...but i know all of this in my heart, sometimes i just need some convincing myself. we have to tell ourselves that everything happens for a reason and it will get easier. take care...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 7:24pm
Thank you. That was very inspiring... just the type of words I was looking for to make me feel a little better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 1:31pm

Hello,

I totally agree with FearLess Chick words of wisdom when you say” my best advice is to back off and let him come to you, if and when he's ready.”

I just broke-up with my boyfriend 4 days ago, I’m dying to call him, but I have to find the strength not to for my own dignity. I feel like a drug-addict who is having withdrawl symptoms, can’t eat, sleep, can’t work and I have my own business, and constantly thinking about nothing but his sad ass. Went to my doctor yesterday got a higher dose of antidepressants and Ambien a sleeping pill so I don’t get up middle of the night and think of him, and xanax to relax me, because I have a knot in my stomach the size of mexico.

F__K our ex-boyfriends let them think we are up to and doing and going out.

This Saturday, I bought a great book you should get it to called
“It’s Called a Break-Up because it’s broken” by Greg Behrendt. It has really helped me so much and I promise with all my heart and soul it will help you. There is a chapter on “NOT CALLING HIM” which that part helped me soooo much. Say’s if you call him, you will delay getting over him, lose your power and take longer to get over him.

There are stories on exactly women with the same stories as us. No man is confused, men know what they want when they want it, bu-lsh-t, it just his way of letting you off easily. He loves you right? Tell him he doesn’t get confused when he wants to sleep with you? Excuses, excuses, that’s what men give us when they want out, trust me I gotten every excuse to, I was just waiting for my XXXX-Boyfriend to say he wants to get married when Haley’s comet comes around. It’s a harsh reality, but it’s the truth we need to face, in our pain and all.

He broke up with you? F—K him, your gorgeous, the more we put our energy in it will hold us from our future in meeting the real Mr.Right.

Very simple with men “ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS” If our ex-boyfriends want us back, they will fight to have us back. That’s it in a nut shell.
Because we must look at who is doing most of the work in the relationship, did I or him? If we said I than the man did not want it as much as much as we did.
My ex-boyfriend is going have to and you should think this way “scratch his way through a brick wall with his fingernails to get me back.”

“A MAN ALWAYS HAS TOO LOVE YOU MORE” A older wiser woman told me that years ago. When we love them more we always do more work.

I’m sorry I am not trying to hurt you, I’m there, I know , in the book I told you about the more you we HOPE, we are holding yourself back to your future, believe I understand. I am so there.

And Holiday, my mother wanted me to fix the Christmas Tree and I almost puked from the pain, I HATE THE HOLIDAYS.”

Paris888