just want to move on
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just want to move on
| Sat, 08-14-2004 - 4:53pm |
We went out for a few beers last night. I thought it would be alright. It was okay, sitting across from here, in my mind it was over and I realised that. But today being Saturday and only a week since the break-up I wish he was here. We have similar interests, we are both special people, we never fought over stupid things. Unfortunately, when we did fight however we both exploded and didn't know how to control ourselves. This is my first real love, we dated 2 years and 3 months. This was the only time when I thought I could marry the person. We both need a break right now and I don't think I could return after the fights and his manipulation and even now, when I tried to bring up the night he attacked me, he still says I deserved it. I couldn't stay with someone who refuses to admit his temper problem and blames it upon me. His playing mister nice guy now because he wants a friend, he has none really. Tomorrow, I will do what my cousin advised me and bury the few possessions I have of his. A burial procession to make it clear in my mind it is over his dead. But it is just so confusing, I still don't know if I was in an abusive relationship or not. He changes so much. But on this website I saw one of the first signs of verbal abuse is he is like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde - this shocked me for I always used the exact words to describe him. Another sign is that you feel you are walking on egg shells - that is how I described the last few months of being with him. But at the same time he was never jealous, he never stopped me from going out, and he actually bought me a tent went I decided to leave for a month to go camping.
I had a dream the other night that we ran away from everyone to go teach english overseas - that was always something I brought up when we were together-
everyone tells me I deserve better, he is no good. But nothing is black and white. I obviously don't want to be with a confused person who I feel I always have to cheer up, who makes me feel like I am the cause of his unhappiness. But I do miss intimacy with him, we did so much together, I feel amputated. I just have to remind myself I just cut off a part of me that was no good. I am more relaxed since he is gone, I was always nervous before. Okay I'm rambling... If anyone wants to write their advice, words of wisdom or similarities please do so
