just when i thought i was ok
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| Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:23am |
i'm new here and was wondering if you could help. my story's pretty long so be patient. i'm 24 and a student. my ex is 30 and works in his family's company.
two months ago, my ex who i lived with broke up with me. he said that he loved me but not enough to marry me... and that there was no point in staying together anymore. we had been together for a year by then, and living together for nine months. we were also pregnant but miscarried when i was five weeks along. and during our last conversation, he also said that he wanted complete detachment from me and could not manage even a friendship with me.
so for the past two months, i've been rebuilding my life and my vision of my future. i went back to school and moved back in with my parents for the meantime. although it was hard at first, i eventually stopped crying and trying to think of ways to get back together. my friends say that i am handling this whole situation amazingly well and i agree. my life is slowly back on track and i can function normally again.
but about a month ago, my ex started sending me irreverent, random messages. everything from a "did you hear about...?" to "i finished this great book...". i have NOT been replying to any of them, citing the fact that it was HE who wanted detachment. but the messages have become more frequent and confusing. in one of his last messages, he even quoted a U2 song "where the streets have no name":
"I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain"
he has not stated what it is he wants. and i really don't want to make the first move but this confusion and uncertainty is killing me. just when i was supposed to be ok, he comes and shakes things up again.
i suppose my problem is: 1) what could he want?; and 2) what should i do?
if i were to be really honest with myself, i will admit that i still love him and wish that we could work things out. but i will not go back if his committment-phobia and other emotional issues remain.
any insight you guys can provide would be wonderful. i am really at a point where i have to stop and say i need help. i hope you can.
thanks,
bridget

Found out theres know one else out there who'll have him or wants him...
The choice of course is up to you but I think he doesn't deserve you!
He sounds as if he couldn't deal with the 'serious relationship'
And unless he has changed dramatically probably still can't!
You either need to tell him to move on and leave you alone cause your doing fine without him or maybe see him and see if he's changed!
It seems to me that he is playing games. He probably misses you, but hasn't come straight out to say what he wants. I agree w/ Lostsoul saying that it is too soon for him to have changed his commitment phobic ways. I know you said that you would probably want to work things out, but if he has commitment issues, he probably has a lot of work to do and 2 mos is not enough time. It is probably best not to have any contact with him for a while. Maybe you should text him back and tell him not to contact you anymore. Someone on the board gave me the following advice: "Tell him not to call you unless he wants to get back together and you will call him when you are over him." Sometimes, I'm not saying your guy is doing this, but a lot of times guys will keep calling to make sure
that we don't get over them.
If you think he may be a commitmentphobe, you may want to check out the book He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter. This book helped me out tremendously. I dated a guy for 3 1/2 yrs and we broke up 2x. He has commitment issues. We've been broken up 2 1/2 mos. The book just put things into perspective for me. I realized he may never change and I deserve better.
In the meantime, keep yourself busy and surrounded by people who care about you. Posting is also great therapy. Good luck.
you guys have been very helpful. and yes, posting is certainly like therapy. :)
I think you hit the nail right on the head.....comitment phobe!!! It would be great if he could change but most cp's try as they might just can't get over there fears....and put the ones that love them on an eternal emotion rollercoaster. Keep in mind that his texts have not said or hinted at he wanted to work things out....he may be ready for that friendship though...if you're willing. If you want a friendship and think you can handle it...I would respond asking what he wants and let him know if he wants a friendship you would give it a shot. If you don't want a friendship....I'd advise sending him a text asking him not to text you anymore and if that doesn't work change your cell number. Good luck no matter what you decide. Keep us posted!!