This is kinda weird...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
This is kinda weird...
2
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 10:04pm
My exBF, with whom I've maintained contact, and we've developed a decent friendship (but it WAS NOT easy!), has just left to go to school in another state. He will return for everyother weekend to see his kids, and for holiday breaks, but I doubt I'll see him much... he'll be pretty focused on his kids.

I gotta tell you. Although I was feeling pretty comfortable with his presence in my world, now that he's gone... WOW! I can't believe the level of relief I feel!! I'm not sure why... I guess I had some low-level anxiety in regard to him. But, now, I feel so free!

I think this speaks well for no contact. I mean, if I feel this good when we've maintained contact, and now he's gone... how would I have felt if I'd just not had ANY contact?? Probably even better, and even earlier.

No contact will be the rule for me, from now on.

Barb

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 12:12pm
Not weird at all, I think it's absolutely true. No matter how your relationship ended, there will always be pangs where you'll be reminded that you're no longer together, that all those loving times, the passionate sex, the romantic gifts, the dreams and plans for the future, whatever, those are all locked away and no longer part of your future. And that's fine, but it's hard to experience that when you're with your ex, to have all these routines, habits, in-jokes, even just mannerisms, that are straight from the relationship, to have memories that cause you discomfort because you're constantly confronted by the fact that the dreams are dead and gone.

It's just awkward, and you have to be really vigilant not to fall back in love with him, or to get angry with him, and conversations are like walking through landmines, trying to avoid sensitive subjects, whatever. It's a lot of work, it causes a lot of stress and anxiety, and frankly, I'm not sure what you get in return. Maybe, some day, years in the future, it will feel good to have someone who knows you well and cares about you in a platonic way, but soon after the breakup it's just really strange and uncomfortable. And, even if you're both being polite and considerate, that's hard, because it's kind of a pale echo of the love you had when he's nice and you're nice, I think it's harder when you're getting along than when you're angry or just not speaking, it's too close to how easy and comfortable it was when you were together. I've had friends who've tried it, I ventured there myself, and it's just like trying to juggle a half dozen balls at once, watching what you say, trying to be sure you don't mistake his affection for a renewed interest in the relationship, being careful not to wear jewelry or clothing that has sensitive connotations, trying to schedule talks or "hanging out" time around your new social schedules without hurting each others' feelings, running into mutual friends who knew you as a couple and trying to explain that you're together but not "together," blah, blah, blah, it's just a lot of work and stress for very little return. You can feel like a good and mature person by just having the "our time together meant a great deal, I wish you the best always" conversation and leaving it at that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 8:11pm
I'm the same way.... when I wake up in the morning, I think, "Oh, damn... he didn't call" (I used to get a lot of late night/early morning drunken phone calls; a red flag in and of itself!!) and then I think "THANK GOD!!! He didn't call!"

One of these boards had a great line that went something like.... "it's hard to let go of someone you love, but ultimately it's harder NOT to let go."