knock some sense into me..please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
knock some sense into me..please!
12
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:37pm
I posted to this board about a month ago about a startling breakup that came out of the blue. We had only been dating 3 months but they were wonderful months...no trouble or fighting at all. We always had such a great time when we were together..then all of a sudden one day his feelings for me changed and he broke up with me. I had no clue at all and it came as a total shock. And I still dont know why...except all of a sudden he was just not that into me..

We have had a bit of contact..him calling to see how I was and emailing me a few times. then last week i emailed him some funny political joke...and then he responded with small talk and so did i and then i felt so dumb...so that wont happen again..

Here is my problem....I cant beleive that I am not any closer to getting over this short relationship. What is wrong with me. I read the other posts here and your stories seems so much worse than mine and you all seem so much stronger.

I have been staying busy with friends but sometimes I wonder if by staying busy I am not dealing with my feelings...and I have NO desire to meet someone else...why do i feel this way...

I was falling for him but we had not said i love you....his actions led me to believe that he had strong feelings for me...his friends are all baffled by his behavior too...

It is my first relationship in 3 years....I broke up a six year relationship 3 years ago and i think it took me this long to get ready for another but help....I dont want to wait another 3 years...I feel like I am building this up to be more than it was...I think I am grieving what could have been more than what was..

and i have no bad memories of our time together....except the day he dumped me.....everything before that was so much fun and he seemed like such a great guy..I have this nagging feeling that i blew it with this great guy and cant figure out what i did...

any advice would be appreciated....thanks so much...this board really does give good advice and does help

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:48pm
There's nothing WRONG with you...but you are not going to move on so long as you are in contact with him. It takes three things to get over someone: time, no contact and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other.

Block him from emailing you if need be. Once you have a solid month with NO contact (either actual or attempted contact from him), you'll feel much better, I promise!

The other thing that will help is related to acceptance: stop yourself whenever you start daydreaming about how great things were with him and say something like, "gosh, it was fun. But we obviously aren't right for each other, or he wouldn't have ended things like he did. That doesn't mean I'm bad or wrong or that he is, we're just not right for each other. I accept that and am moving on."

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:56pm
you are so right about the no contact thing being so important....but i was the weak one last week and emailed him first...it was my pms week and i need to be so careful that week...so now i am going to really feel stupid if he does email me and i dont answer...i made it look like i was ok with contact by emailing him after not hearing from him for a couple of weeks....

i feel so pathetic that i am making such a big deal about a very short and not very serious relationship...and i am 26 years old...not a high school girl

the hardest part is the lonliness and the rejection and I am having a hard time finding people to do things with...all my girlfriends are in serious relationships....and my best girlfriend is dating his best friend...who i set her up with...so she is not there for me either....

but i will do the no contact thing...AGAIN ...hopefully this time i will learn

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 8:23pm
I can totally relate to how you are feeling... I too had a relationship end abruptly with no warning and the only bad memory I had was the day he dumped me. Try not to be so hard on yourself and discount your feelings just because the relationship wasn't long, I did read your earlier post and it sounded like it got pretty serious pretty fast. No matter how long the relationship, the feelings of rejection & loneliness are the same.

I agree with Sheri, time, acceptance & no contact is key. My breakup was 3 months ago and only about 1 week ago did I start to turn the corner. Here's a few things that helped me:

1. This board! There are some really great people on here giving great advice.

2. I read "He's Just Not that Into You" - some love it, some don't. When I looked back at what I thought was a "perfect" relationship, I discovered it wasn't. Some of the signs were there and I was making excuses for him. At the end of the day, it made me realize that I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. It really is that simple.

3. No contact... this one is kind of interesting since we work together. Up until about a week ago, my stomach turned everytime I looked at him. Today I saw him & for the first time, I realized that I don't want him back. It really is outta sight, outta mind.

4. Keep busy! This one sounds tough for you since you don't have single girlfriends. You might want to try volunteering, joining a gym, or some other sort of a club to meet new people. The less nights home alone to think about what happened, the better off you will be!

Good luck, I know that it can be an emotional roller coaster in the early stages, but as more time passes it will get easier :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:16pm
Welcome back!! I'm sorry you aren't feeling much better....I know that this has been pretty hard on you. I personally find it harder to get over someone when they don't give an explanation for the break-up. Maybe that has something to do with why you're having so much trouble. You can't force someone to give you an explanation though....but maybe in time he will explain...you never know. I also think that since he was your 1st relationship in 3 years....that you let yourself fall for him too fast and so you're getting even more hurt then you would have. There is no set time that you have to be over him...different people heal at different rates and I think what you're feeling is normal. You said you have some contact but it doesn't really seem like you have alot of contact.....maybe you should go ahead and cut of all contacat with him and just try and heal your broken heart. If later on you decide you want to be friends, great, if not oh well. I wish you the best of luck and we're here if you need us!!









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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 11:56pm
thanks so much for your reply...i have read the book hes just not that into you and i think i read it too soon...it just made me feel worse....and it really did not give me any signs that i might have missed...it just made me feel so dumb for believing him. in looking bad he did lead me on...by saying he wanted a relationship....and by his actions...he was so attentive and always had such a fun time with me. i probably jumped into sex with him too soon...we had only been dating a little over a month...but i felt we were both ready and we had the talk about being exclusive. he always seemed like he could not wait to see me and was so excited about it when he did. I was trying to slow things down if anything. my last boyfriend was all about the words without the actions to back them up but he had both the actions and the words. something really freaked him out about how serious our relationship was getting...he told me this....and he said that we were not compatible and would probably break up in 6 mos to a year...and the worst thing he said was that i was like a really good friend who he has awesome sex with...that really hurt........all signs were pointing to our relationship going in a positive direction and my girlfriends were all so jealous of me...they watched him with me and could not get over how INTO me he was. my dad was coming to visit the week he broke up with me...the only thing i can point to that changed him was when i asked him if he would

like to go out to dinner with my dad and me....maybe that was too soon but i thought it would be rude not to ask him.

i guess what is tearing me up is that i blew it by not playing the rules...by trying to rush something that may have evolved over time...and i still think of him as a nice guy...i cant say he is a jerk for not wanting to be with me. it seems like just when i finally let my guard down and was opening up to him he left.....i really need more dating experience.

for all i know there could be another girl from his past that came back...i really do not know much about his romantic past ... he took a trip to his old college town right before this happened and maybe he ran into a past love....but he would never admit that.

i think i got the best explanation i am going to get but i still feel so rejected and lonely and i dont think i am in the best frame of mind to go out and make new friends...i am just not myself....i was so happy a month ago....i want to get back to that feeling..

oh well...i know it takes time

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 12:12am
one other thing i forgot to mention....during the last part of our relationship he started smoking a lot of pot and overdrinking....early on I did tell him that i did not like what pot smoking did to people and relationship is because of my past experience with my friends...the week he was in his college town it was for a music festival and he admitted that he was stoned or drunk the whole week...even had a blackout one night and could not remember how he got home...

my dad says that when people go on a bender like that it can color their decision making ability and make them paranoid...

so maybe what lost was not that great....after 3 months he was starting to show his real self....it was too hard to maintain the facade...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 7:54am
Do not put all the blame on yourself or say you "blew it" by not playing by the "rules". Rules don't exist, what one person likes another will not, the only rule is that you are comfortable with what is happening while you are dating someone. True, maybe things moved too fast but he definitely had a hand in that as well. My ex was the first one to initiate anything serious, I had it in my head to take things slowly but he proceeded full speed ahead and I ignored the signs (most commitment phobes pursue aggressively in the beginning) and thought oh great this guy really likes me!

Relationships move at different speeds for different people, it just depends on so many things. The speed of the relationship was comfortable for you (and apparently him for a while) so don't beat yourself up for falling for him. Even though I was with my ex for four months it really hurt and was just as emotionally jarring to me as when my previous year long relationship ended. I have learned lessons from my most recent breakup, just use this experience as a learning lesson for your next relationship but don't dwell on what you could have done to salvage this past relationship.

No contact is the way to go, it has been 3 weeks since my ex and I had any sort of contact. Sometimes I still miss him but I feel so removed from what we had *because we haven't spoken* that he truly is not a part of my everyday life anymore and I do not long for what I did have with him. Moving on feels so wonderful! I changed his name a few times in my phone to some rather obscene names (I actually had fun doing that) and eventually two weeks ago I just deleted the idiot because I know he ain't callin :)

Just keep busy and don't contact him in any manner, it will pass I promise :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 9:55am
Best advice anyone can get for anything. Ask yourself if grieving over all of it is worth it? IS IT WORTH IT? you decide. Personally I would go and pick up your best girl friends and go out and find some new guys, have fun. That little night of a new guy always makes your heart tickle for a bit and then makes it easy to forget. There are so many guys out there your just got to put yourself out there. Ohh and go shopping that helps too. but I know exactly how you feel how could something so great go wrong? Well who knows but if he comes back you know it was meant to be... if not find yourself anotherone. I know you can be strong
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 12:47pm
thanks so much kat...everything you say makes so much sense. it really helps to have this board to come to as my girlfriends are all sick of hearing about this and me being so sad....it is actually getting kind of embarassing.

i know i will have good days and bad but hopefully the good will outweigh the bad soon...

i really do want to believe he is a committment phobe....he does have all the signs...i need to remember that.

it helps me to hear that you also had a rough time with a four month relationship...and know that it is possible to fall for a guy so quickly....as soon as he made sure i trusted him then he changed....maybe he does not know why he is the way he is....

again..thanks and good luck to you too.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 1:43pm
I have a relationship that was shorter than yours, it lasted about ten weeks, and I'm still having a difficult time with the break-up. So don't worry, you're not crazy or anything.

Sunday was seven weeks since we broke up. We haven't had total NC since then, but that started on October 15, and I can honestly say things have gotten easier since then.

From everything you've said about this guy he just sounds like a jerk. What's amazing and I think the hardest thing to get over, is how he could be so into you and then just not want the relationship anymore, right? That's the hard thing to get over, not him per se, but just the notion that someone could really fool you like that. It sort of makes you doubt yourself and your ability to be able to spot someone who's being dishonest.

Also, the fact that the relationship was all good makes it difficult to get over as well. On the other hand, it also sounds like there was plenty not to like, the drinking and pot-smoking for instance. While you're not a high school girl, 26 is still pretty young! You still have at least one great love ahead of you! Take your time to heal ... it happens when it happens. But trust me, you WILL HEAL, and you WILL get over him, completely.

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