know what to do, but hard to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
know what to do, but hard to do
7
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 12:38am
Hello all... I'm feeling blue. I'm being feeling blue for a while now. I met someone 4 years ago and since the moment that I met him we knew we had a great connection. He was divorced and I have never being married. That never seemed to be an issue until months went by and we spent most of our free time together but he never asked me to be his gf... and I started to wonder if he just wanted to hang out with me or be with me seriously... when the subject would be brought up he would say that he cared for me but that he didn't have strong feelings for me. I should have known back then that things would be like that as time went by... I accepted our relationship that way and we continued to be "friends" it hurted me at the beginning that he dated other people...but then he moved closer to me and we spent most of the time togther after work and we talked just about anything and had the most wonderful time...we played games, we took trips together...he was my best friend and my love..everything that I needed in a man. We dated exclusively but never became gf and bf until this year... after 3 years and everything seemed to be great just as the last 3 years had been. But he always brought up the same thing... that he didn't love me as much as I loved him that he cared for me but that he felt he wasn't able to give me all that I wanted... so we broke up 4 months ago... I couldn't believe it... even though he had always been sincere with me. It was like loosing my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my everything. I think the hardest thing has been that one way or another we have kept talking on an off.. but each time love comes up... he tells me that I have all the qualities that he wants but that he doesn't love me the way I want. I feel so bad for still mopping around because I know the situation but still I can't help but feel so empty inside. So sad, scared and unhappy. I've spent the last months hanging out at home... and trying to spent a lot of time with my nephews. They help me see life in a total different way. I know a lot of what has happened has been my fault...I know what I have to do... but it's just so hard to do...:( I love him so much...thank u for reading...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 7:47am

Your sadness is coming through so loudly. Letting go is such a torturous process. I'm sorry anyone has to go through it, (including myself). But I don't think you should isolate yourself. I imagine that would only emphasize the empty feeling. It's good that you spend time with family but I assume your nephews are younger than you. Maybe you can spend more time with people your own age. If you don't have many friends in the area, join a group to start meeting people. There are social clubs for all interest areas, (ski clubs, book clubs, etc...) I'm not trying to encourage you to start dating again, that will happen when you are ready. I'm just saying that for me, isolating myself only adds to my depression.

Stay strong and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 7:52am

Breakups suck, there's no two ways about that. I know how it feels when your relationship ends and you feel like your entire world has collapsed. That is a normal feeling that pretty much all of us deal with.

Unfortunately, the only person who can do anything now to change and improve your situation is you. You are never going to meet prince charming sitting by yourself at home or visiting with your nephews. You are the only one who knows what you want out of life and who can make the steps to get those things. If you're still taking time to mourn the loss of your ex, that's fine, but why not still work to improve your life in other ways?

Exercise does wonders for making you feel better. It doesn't have to cost anything and you don't even need to see anyone while you do it if you don't want to. And what about friends? If you don't have a lot of friends, maybe you can work toward making some. How is your job/school/whatever? Do you have any hobbies?

Honestly, everyone here on this board knows the pain you're experiencing. But, there comes a point where you need to say, enough is enough. Maybe you could try thought stopping:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=18377.1&ctx=2048

A lot of members have found that to be a really helpful post, especially the technique with the index cards. Try and remember that things with your ex were never perfect. If they had been, he would have wanted the same things you did and still do want, and it wouldn't have taken him 3 years to ask you to be his girlfriend.

Finally, you need to cut off contact with your ex. Talking to an ex rarely if ever does anyone any good. It just keeps the wounds open, and more often than not, adds salt to them.

I know it is hard, but you will begin to feel better. Getting past an ex can be really hard work, but you learn a lot about yourself and your priorities in the process. Plus, once you do feel better, you can look for the guy who really is going to treat you how you deserve to be treated, and that is really exciting.

I hope that helps a little... keep us posted.

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:05pm
My heart goes out to you. Even when you know what to do, it's often not easy. You'll see from this board that no contact (NC) is recommended, and I endorse that. For me, a change of routine helped a lot. It sounds silly, but--wearing different perfume, listening to different music, taking a different route to work. Starting a new chapter of your life (even if you don't FEEL like starting a new chapter) by taking up a new hobby, starting a class, setting a goal, etc., is a great idea. The thought stopping techniques (mentioned in the previous post, see link) are effective and helpful--I am actually reading a psychology book that talks about this! One thing I would recommend doing is picking a neutral place to think about your ex, when you designate those 10 minutes, twice a day (less on time goes on). For example, try to get out of the house--go to the park, the library. That way, when your hurt feelings fade (and they will), you won't have the dreadful task of disassociating the place with your ex. (If you spent the 10 minutes first thing in the morning while still lying in bed, that would be a terrible idea.) Lastly, coming to the board can be tremendously helpful. We've all felt the sting of losing someone we deeply care about. I hope the smart and insightful advice you will find on this board will help! Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 10:34pm

Michele,

Thank you for your advice. Sometime when we're in this situation..we may thinkg we're alone...but sadly many of us have to go through this. I'm sorry that you had to go throught it also. I know that by isolating myself but we both shared the same friends, so it's dificult to go out with the same group and know that he's missing. I know that with time I will feel better...Im thinking of volunteering somewhere to get my mind of my situation and use all these love that I have in side for something good...Thanks so much!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 5:11am

Sorry for your sadness...it's hard to get going when you feel so horrid.

I think you deserve a man that is crazy for you..that cannot stop wanting to be with you...who adores you..your ex didn't commit and well, you must have felt unimportant in his life..I say you are good to be out of that..commitaphobes are a drain and waste of time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 2:39am

Thank you for your words and I'm beginning to reaize that they're so true. It's still hard. Now almost a month since I first posted my message. I hadn't been back because I wanted to try some techniques to help me get through this. I feel better than then, but still hurting. It's true that I felt unimportant in his life. Even today I'm struggling on sending xmas cards to his family... they all were so nice to me and I haven't talked to them in months... I think if I don't send them anything..they will understand... what do you guys think??

One thing that I refuse to do which would probably help me is to accept all those "signs" that I saw when we were together but that I refused to see through them...just because I wanted the perfect relationship..but one can't have one like that with someone who's never sure if he wants to be with us. It's so hard to accept because when we give so much and don't receive enough..we think that it's our fault, that it's us who have a problem. I now realize that it wasnt me that had a problem... that my only problem was accepting this type of relationship and investing so much time and feelings. I don't regret anything I lived with my ex, but I know that I want to be able to find someone who truly loves me, someone who is "sure"!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 11:14am

My ex lives in another city and only comes home on holidays. I still see his family in fact go walking with his Mom a few days a week. She does not speak English and I speak her language a little so we really never talk about the ex. I ask how is he and what not..but she knows little about what is going on and I share little...I like it like that. No drama.

If I were you I think a holiday card is a nice gesture to his family. Why not?

HUGS