know whats best but cant quite do it

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
know whats best but cant quite do it
1
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 4:56pm
I'm 24 and just broke up with my bf. I'm feeling very betrayed and stepped on. Here's the thing. He broke up with his ex of 4 years 6 months before dating me b/c of religion. After they broke up, he took a job in Southern CA and she stayed in Northern CA. However, they still remain "friends" and call each other EVERY day. When I met him, he would still talk about his ex because they were "good friends". I kind of felt going out with him was a bad idea, but he insisted he did not love her anymore. We went out for a couple of weeks but he was still too scared to tell his ex because he didn't "want to hurt her". I was very upset and b/c of it, he told her he had a new gf. She absolutely flipped out. She began calling him and crying on the phone saying how she misses him and doesn't want to live, she logged onto his online photo album to see what I looked like, etc. Through all of this, my bf tried to help her b/c since they didn't break up on bad terms, he still cares for her and feels obligated to help her get over him. I told him maybe the best thing is to have no contact with her until she can recover. He agreed but when he told her, she told him his new gf was only trying to control him. So they continued to talk on the phone, email, etc. It bothered me a lot but everytime I brought it up with him, he would say that they were "only good friends". Obviously, I'm very hurt and insecure about this and had a terrible time dealing with their closeness. She was always in the background. For example, when we went on vacation, she asked him to buy her souvenirs since she wasn't there, she asked him to paint a picture for her, she asked him to help her with her work, etc and he does it! What really killed me was his reaction to her, the way he still babied her and wanted to protect her. Fast forward to a year later, she is still telling him she is not completely over him. I went through the roof and told him I want to break up. He agreed but a week later he came back to me and said that I was "so important" to him that he will sacrifice not talking to her for me if I take him back. Of course I did. Everything was going great for a month when we had an argument and he wanted to back off and not be a couple but just date and maybe get serious again later. I agreed but a week into "dating" which actually was no different than being a couple since he still spent every night with me (I guess we're just used to being with each other everyday by now), I found out he had emailed his ex. I brought it up and asked him how he could do such a thing and he said b/c we were only dating. But my point is, he knows that his ex hates me and hurt me a lot, that she caused all these troubles that made me very very insecure about our relationship and yet the first thing he did when we were not a formal couple anymore was go back to her. I feel very hurt and stepped on. I can see why he felt he no longer needed to not contact her, but why did he give me false hope of perhaps having a future together down the line? Why didn't he just break it off with me and ask to just be friends? Why did he tell me that he wanted to try dating and then maybe get serious again? And to make matters worse, everytime we went out after we broke up, he would touch me, hug me, kiss me and I would tell him that's sending mixed signals, its inappropriate, but he would do it anyways. Yesterday, we did laundry together and while we were waiting for it, he was checking his email right in front of me. Well, guess what? His ex had sent him pictures of herself...again. I was so upset I told him I can't be friends because obviously he's either playing me for a fool or he really doesn't understand how hurt, how deeply hurt I am because of their actions and how insecure I've become and can't trust anymore. I know I'm doing the right thing by walking away from this mess and having no contact with him but I can't help but feel incredibly bad, depressed, insecure, and stepped all over. I can't believe I put myself through this when I should've known better. I think I'm a great person: I have a masters and a great, well-paying job, I'm social and have great friends, etc. but I just feel like I let this person step all over me. And even though I feel so frustrated and hopeless, a part of me still misses him even after how much he hurt me. Why? Nothing seems to make me feel better.


Edited 6/8/2005 7:45 pm ET ET by usc_iris
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 8:52pm
You can do it!!! Keep telling yourself that...you don't deserve to be a yo-yo. He obviously has some things he needs to work out with his ex and you have been more than understanding...it's time to move on and take care of yourself. It sounds like you have been on an emotional roller coaster and it's probably best to cut off contact so you can go through the process of moving on. It will get better! Hang in there.