Ladies: I need your inputs
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| Thu, 09-01-2005 - 11:38pm |
As you can tell from my ID, I am a guy. Sorry for the length of this post but I really need some advice/perspective from you ladies.
I was dating this girl (my first gf ever) in college for about 3 months until last week. At first, we were just friends/housemates (from Sept-April). I didn't really know her until we lived together (my other housemates were friends w/ her) and I had no romantic interest in her whatsoever during that time. (Actually she was like my best female friend - I told her about all my girl problems.) However, on my b-day in late April, I realized I had feelings for her (which turned out to be mutual) and we started dating (the best 4 weeks of my life). 4 weeks later (in late May) we both graduated from college and went home. I am from the West Coast and she from DC. We basically talked on the phone everyday over the summer (at first for hours then to barely 10-15 mins every other day). I really wanted to visit her over the summer but it just didn't happen.
In late July, I got a job in DC area (I start working next week). A few days later, my gf said she wanted to take a break. I did not understand b/c I was going to come out to DC in a few weeks. I suspected she had someone else but she steadfastly denied it (I believed her b/c she was always honest w/ me). She also stressed that she would really like to continue our relationship once I came to DC.
Last Friday, I finally arrived in DC. On Saturday, I went to see her and we went out for coffee. Then she broke the news: she wants to end it. She felt there was no chemistry b/w us (I thought there was, but who knows). Also, she is seeing someone else - a 25 yr-old guy who doesn't have a bachelor's deg. and works at a bike shop ("very smart and loves computer programming"; no, not a macho dude). She admits that he is not the kind of guy that she should fall in love with and doesn't think he loves her back. She's not sure if it's gonna last at all. She kept saying how perfect I was (prolly just talk) and this guy was like my antithesis, which really pissed me off - "if I am really perfect, why are you dumping me for this guy?" (didn't actually say it though)
She said she was torn to see me again b/c it reminded her how wonderful I was (I even brought flowers when I came to her house). She said she wants to explore our relationship if the current thing doesn't work out but that won't be fair for me (so I am just a backup now). I coldly replied I won't be there for her when she changes her mind.
Overall I took the blows pretty well I thought. I sat through it all with class and smile. I didn't yell at her, hit her, cry hysterically, beg her to take me back, or walk out of the cafe in the middle of the conversation. I did say, "This is really hard for me to take." However, I also calmly added, "Well, as they say, if you truly love someone, you have to learn to let that person go." (It broke my heart to say it, though.) I wonder if she wanted to hear "I love you, come back to me."
She kept saying how she really wanted to be my friend and didn't want to lose my friendship (her words were, "No, I don't mean it like how they say when they break up.") I said it would take a very long time for us to become friends again. She just said, "I am ready for it." Then we hugged for the last time and I whispered, "Good luck w/ that guy." (No idea why I said it.)
Just in case anyone is wondering, I AM REALLY HEARTBROKEN AND WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GET HER BACK. I just didn't want to act like a spineless loser. (I read that it just makes things worse if the guy acts all clingy and needy. The damage has already been done but I am trying to minimize aftershock.)
One thing that I don't understand is that in late May (after we got separated), she kept stressing that I should be honest and let her know if I were to find someone else and not lead her on. She said she got burned a few times like that. And now she burns me just like that.
Now it's been almost a week and I haven't had any contact w/ her. I deleted everything that's associated w/ her (e-mails, messages, pictures, phone number, etc.). I even "unfriended" her on the facebook :). I guess I am trying to move on but I still have feelings for her. She apparently called my best friend the day after and told him that she really wants to be friends w/ me and that she would be waiting for me. I have too much feelings (positive & negative) for her to be just friends right now, though. I am mad at her for dumping me yet I still love her.
So what should I do? Is there any hope here? Should I just forget about her and move on? Was I wrong to just let her go like that? Thanks for your inputs!

In my situation, we both thought a break would be best and the next day i called him back crying (i hate being emotional).Well that night I asked if he wanted to start things again and he said no..he wants to go on dates again (with me). Kind of like starting over. I can deal with that, but I feel that if I don't always make myself available to him, then he'll want me more. That way I don't seem desperate to be with him.
Then again, every situation is different in its own way. It's important to follow what's in your heart. What do you feel is the right thing to do? I would suggest going with your gut on this one. but that's my insight. Well I really hope things work out for you as I pray that my relationship starts up again. It's been a tough week I'll tell ya. Good luck to you.
I think every person (mostly) likes to hear the person they're ending it with say at least once, "but I want you". My bf did that same thing to me when we broke up, didn't say a word, only that he understood, and it left me feeling like he didn't give one iota that I was walking, didn't ask why or anything.
However, she gave you enough info as to WHY she wants out.
She's immature. She wants to "play the field" get some experience (not talking sexually), under her belt.
I am assuming you both are in your early 20's. And well, usually during that time, ppl need to party, be wild, date the wrong ppl, etc. In order to learn who is right. Or get it out of their system so they can be happy really happy with the right person and never wonder, "I wish I would've........".
so, my two cents. I'd send her an email or seomthing. Just saying, I hope you are happy, that's all I want. I do want you, just so you know. However, since you are choosing another, I have to ask that we NOT be friends, because it's just too hard on me".
Not showing emotions isn't being a wuss, it's being non-human. Saying that you are heartborken, isn't being a spineless loser. in my book, being a spineless loser, isn't having the courage to tell her what you're really feeling.
Lastly, I'm sure she was STRESSING all that honesty crap, because she was already looking around, and feeling guilty.
Hugs and good luck. BTW, my bf acts like you, no emotions, don't show any. Just accept and say good things. and guess what? I'm about ready to dump him because I'm tired of his emotionless ways.
~pineapple_girl
Dear Axeman,
A woman's perspective: you did the right thing. And be proud of yourself for not causing a scene. Grace under pressure is essential to achieve any success in life.
When she told you there was no chemistry between you, and that she is seeing someone else, that was girlspeak for "it's really over." She may be sincere in wanting to be friends, but that doesn't mean you have to be. It all depends on how you feel. Are you ready to go back to being platonic, or will you always hope she'll change, then get mad if she doesn't?
And if her friendship offer is in any way motivated by her desire to keep you on reserve in case the other guy doesn't work out, forget it! Unless, of course, you're into the whole friends with benefits deal.
She may be a lovely person, but she is clearly not interested in anything longterm with you. And that is no reflection on you. The dating scene can suck big time, but there are lots of nice women out there. Just do them a big favor and don't get so bitter about how this one treated you that you punish each of them. You wouldn't want a woman to take her rage at her ex out on you, right?
Good luck. Again, you made the right choice.