last night
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| Sat, 07-24-2004 - 12:14pm |
He was gorgeous, funny, smart, everything I remember. He was also charming and attentive, opening doors, paying for dinner, catching my arm when I tripped. He was just deeply considerate and almost chivalrous in a way that's harder to define - he's never a one to look at other women when we're together, he listens attentively to anything I say, he stands close and is prepared to reach out to catch me, he walked me to my car. We did not talk about the breakup, we talked about some interesting things at work, this week's news. We very easily also talked with that special knowledge you have of someone you've been intimate with - the "I know you'll love this," the "you are always doing 'x'," the "remember that time..." He was sweet, and considerate. During the movie, he was extremely fidgety, shaking his leg, rubbing his hands on his legs, touching his hair and his face, just really fussing around over there (he's never like that). I took it to mean agitation at being near me, and a good thing. He walked me back to my car and hugged me.
It was really nice. It was, in fact, like a really nice first date. But that, of course, is the problem. I am definitely still in love with him. And the nice guy I'm dating, in fact all the nice guys I've met, have nothing on the charm and appeal of my ex. I just wanted to wrestle him to the ground and make out with him when he hugged me. And it's weird, something I had forgotten - he makes me feel really feminine. He's big and strong, and he's a gentleman, and he's also so confident and charming. I am a lawyer, at a big firm, making a fair amount of money, and routinely kicking butt. My default persona (you'd never know it from my post-breakup mess, but otherwise), is very sure and confident, slightly aggressive. I've had opposing counsel get red in the face and start jabbing his finger at me, and I've risen up out of my seat and shouted him down. I've gotten the respect of one of the crusty old white male partners at my firm for standing my ground, facing down men with 20 years more experience than me. I'm tough, I'm smart, I'm respected, and normally I have a persona of extreme confidence and competence. But with my ex, I'm ever so slightly off balance, not insecure but less in charge, more aware of myself, less aggressive, more feminine, sweeter and funnier and more easy-going. I like myself when I'm with him. And we both have very strong wills, very aggressive personalities, and we've faced off before, but I feel like he's my match, like it's too easy to push around other men.
Okay, so enough of that. Problem remains, I still love him. A lot. And he still makes my heart race, and butterflies flip, and makes me all moony. And I still don't know what we're doing. I was up all Thursday night working on a brief, and when he heard that he offered to cut the evening short so I could rest and we'd "catch up next weekend." So, he's got some sort of assumption that we'll be doing this every weekend? Why? I don't know what's going on with him, and I'm not sure how to broach the subject. He was charming and wonderful, but there were things that he alluded to in conversation that suggest the breakup has been really hard on him. He's talked about drinking too heavily. He's smoking again, a lot, and he's mentioned going back on Zyban to quit, and said something about how fabulous it was that it was an anti-depressant, too. He also, in a comment that really struck me and reminded me that I'm not ready to be "friends," was talking about our mutual friend who's a pharmaceuticals rep, and mentioned that he could hook him up with a supply of Cialis, and I started thinking about him having sex with other women and felt really bad.
I still love him. I keep thinking that if we just keep doing this, just being around each other, being easy, talking and rebuilding trust and whatever, that sooner or later he'll try to get me back. But if he doesn't, if he starts dating someone else, I know I'll be devastated because I have feelings for him. I want him to realize what he feels for me (if he has feelings for me), I don't want to chase him or force the issue. But I think it is too soon to be friends, and I want more, and I want to see if "more" is on the table, but I don't know what to say. It was so nice, being with him, and so "early relationship"-like, I don't want to initiate some heavy conversation about it being painful or too soon to be just friends. I don't want to tip my hand that I'm still in love with him. I just don't have a clue what to do, here. I'm thinking of sending an email saying I had a nice time, thanks for dinner. It just feels so ridiculous to be all unsure and awkward and nervous about talking with someone you've been intimate with for two years. Why can't I just lay my cards on the table with him? But shortly after the breakup, I told him maybe it didn't have to be this way, I was willing to try to work it out if he was willing to try to resolve what had happened, and he never responded. So, I think he may know that's how I feel? Also, and this is embarassing, but when we were fighting last week, he mentioned that a mutual friend of ours (she's more my friend than his, and I "got" her in the breakup) had made some reference to the index cards that I keep with everything that sucks about him (it's a good coping technique, and we had a nice bitchy session going over them together, but she should not have mentioned that to him), and I told him that sometimes you have to have something that keeps you from embarassing yourself by throwing yourself at a man who doesn't love you enough to be there when you need him. So, I guess it's out there that, but for constant reminders of why he was a jerk, I would have "thrown" myself at him, and I suppose he's smart enough to know that means I still have feelings for him.
I guess he wants to be friends. He's never pushed the issue of sex, this is not about a booty call, and considering that we had great sex (and I frequently initiated, so he knows I'm attracted to him) I think he would have taken advantage of this for a one-night thing if that's what he was after. I guess there is the "companionship" factor, but my ex is like the proverbial taxi who's just turned on his light - he is ready to settle down, was very gung-ho about getting married, thinks he's getting old and it's time (he was always pressuring me to move faster), and I would think he'd be out hitting the dating scene and not wasting time with his ex given that's his agenda.
I don't understand him. I don't understand myself, except to know that I still love him. I don't know what to do. Help.

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You already know that, and you know he hasn't changed...why play games to find out what you already know?
Sheri
You wrote:
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- First of all, it doesn't matter what he does or that he's got plenty of "options" out there. In many instances, it was all about the "pursuit/chase," not about the final outcome. I'm not saying that this is the case w/ your X. But I also don't think you should rule this out just because "he's a rich, attractive lawyer" who's got plenty of women to chose from out there.
My X is a highly intelligent neurologist/internist working at a very prestigious research hospital. Yes, I am sure that by all parents' accounts, he is a "GREAT" catch... who has "plenty of options out there." And like you, I yelled, screamed at my X for 8 hrs straight (and as a doctor constantly on call, he did NOT have that kind of time to spare in the first place)... and dumped his sorry a$$ not once, but twice. Did that stop him from contacting me & begging me back for eight mos after I ceremoniously dumped him?! NO! Did that stop him from contacting me in between rounds in the ICU, the Oncology ward, Primary Care unit,etc? No! There's no doubt in my mind that my X cared for me. But I believe his primary purpose in contacting me & begging me back was the pursuit. I was a challenge to him. I'm sure if I had relented, my X would have been back to his ol' ways in no time.
Oh, and about, the posting of your story on the 'Net and the consensus being he's a horse's a$$, that doesn't mean much to him. Why would it? He doesn't know any of us from Adam. I posted my story countless times on iVillage boards and on Medical Professionals' support boards... and every single time, my X was judged as immature, selfish, and "young." I told my X this. In fact, he even logged onto the medical support boards himself to "check it out." Did that change him? No! Sure, it reinforced how lucky he was to have me. But he already knew that. He just couldn't change enough to be the MAN I needed him to be.
I am just speaking from personal experience. Take what you want from it.
I love you chica.
Take care.
I must say I am a little disappointed (although I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from) You were always the one that gave me (And I am sure many others) strength through hard times. You have always been so tough and stuck to your ground. You knew that your ex totally screwed you over and were able to point out every single way that he did. That list was horrible! That list made me think that my ex was not bad at all.
NO ONE.. especially, a catch like you, deserves someone with a list like that. I love my EX SOO much... but I am never going to take him back because even though he only has a small list, there are going to be other men out there without a list at all. There is going to be someone who will fully support you, no matter what the circumstance. That is who we all need to find... and they are out there. However, we are never going to meet them if we are hung up on our loser, insensitive, ex- boyfriends.
I was really upset the other day because I really miss my ex. So I called my dad... I never talk to my dad about these things. He said that I need to let go and promised that it would get better. He also said that if you really love something, you have to let it go.
Milton, I know it must be hard to hear EVERYONE on this board telling you to back away... because your heart does not want to. But as long as you still have feelings there, your heart is going to break again and it is going to be much worse the next time around.
Everyone is just looking out for you. Think about this... you have all of these strangers who are cheering for you... think about how many people who you actually meet, will just love you! Ditch the jerk!
Take care and stay strong!
I want to clarify my previous post as i think it was a bit misinterpreted.
I think you deserve more because you do. And by saying that I am NOT saying that perhaps one day, your exe will be able to provide you with that. But given your past with him and his behaviour, it cannot be anytime soon. The reason why is exactly BECAUSE you broke it off with him.
He is not at a place in his life where he is able to give you all you need. And i am completely realistic when it comes to people in that no one is perfect and to think so sets you up for an immediate fall. BUT there has got to be limits. There are things i am willing to accept about a person, as i am sure you are as well. But surely what he has or has not done for you, cannot be tolerated in a partner.
What i am saying is that if you are to be together, a lot has to change and that change will not happen in a few months. He has some major things to work out for himself, and having you back in his life, says to him, that he doesnt need to do so. Which is why, for him and for yourself you have to let go for now. I think it was option (2) that made the most sense to me. By being a part of ihs life, it tells him, consciously or subconsciously that what he did couldnt have been that bad because you are willing to be with him after on ly 3 months. And again, as i said, the changes and realizations he needs to go through are huge and will take more time. He needs to really think about who he is and how he has treated you. By not being wiht him now, you are not punishing him, you are helping him. You knwo what they say , sometimes you have to let go thoseyou love the most. Now is that time.
And look i don't know how long it will take for him, maybe forever. But you have to give him the opportnity to do it for himself. It is only through his own realization, and not from someone else telling him, that he will trully ever "get it". So give him the space to get there.
Because you know if he gets through these challenges, when he contacts you, there will be no question of his intentions, whether they be sincere apologies with no excuses or apologies and wanting to be with you. But whichever it is, he will be a different person and it is ONLY under those circumstances that a relationship with him will work. i.e. if it is COMPLETELY different from your last one.
You know i have no idea what you are going through, because my ex has no contacted me and its been 2 months, so i dont' know how i woudl respond. But i know that if we are to be together we need time apart and he needs to be a different person. I don't know if thats possible. And i can't assume it will happen, but in the meantime this time is good for both of us as it will provide a clean slate for a new relaitonship with eachother or wiht someone new. only time will tell.
Listen to yourself Milton, you know best.
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