layers of anger coming up!! how to deal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
layers of anger coming up!! how to deal?
1
Sat, 10-20-2007 - 8:22pm

Tonight I feel so angry...is it okay that I just vent on here?

It's going on day 3 of NC with my exbf and I'm just a mess. I posted yesterday and the basic gist of my story is that I left my marriage in August 2006 and started a relationship with this guy immediately after I was out of my house. Now the current relationship has ended, my doing, and I'm all alone. This is the first time in my life that I don't have a new love interest in mind. I know it's good for me. It feels like hell.

The big issue in my most recent relationship was an imcompatible sex thing. He's 41 and I'm 28 and although we're both in different phases of our lives, I never expected to be rejected so often. We've never lived together so our time shared was often 2-3 days at a time, about once a week. My ex has seen me through some horrendous moments in my processing of the divorce...made more difficult, for sure, by being in this relationship too soon. The thing is, he'd often just want to "hold each other" instead of being intimate. This would happen after a great day of fun and connection. We'd bond all day long and then when it came to the evening bedtime thing, he'd oh so subtly find ways to not be with me. This didn't always happen. We also had some good sex. But there was never that beginning fireworks thing that happens. It was sort of an issue from the beginning. I know we both played a part in it, but in the end, and what finally precipitated my break-up was when he told me that he feels this over-protection toward me and that watching me go through so much intense pain often made it difficult to become aroused. He also said that I was not always the most feminine I could be. My marriage was a very open and comfortable situation - burps and farts and banter. But we were just friends in the end. No zing there. I carried those behaviors over to this relationship and it took him a YEAR to finally tell me that it wasn't a turn on.

I felt rejected for the very person I am, and totally humiliated. Now that we've ended, I am walking around feeling totally repulsive and unsure of myself. I've actually felt very insecure from the beginning because of this weird sex deficiency. So tonight I just feel so pissed that I've let a man unravel my self-confidence like that. I used to be self-assured and comfortable in my body. I'm an attractive woman and have always received nice compliments. I say this not to brag but to point out that I know I'm not ugly on the outside. But I feel so awful and ugly on the inside. And I'm so so ANGRY tonight. It's mixed in with so much pain of loss and loneliness that it's unbearable.

I just went to the grocery store and felt like I was glowing with this substance that made people stare at my grossness. I couldn't make eye contact. I could feel the sadness on my face and I just wanted to scream. This is not me. I have been so happy and content and confident in my life. When will that come back? Does marriage erode self-esteem as much as it feels like? There's got to be a reason I was already down a few notches when I entered into this relationship. I was blinded for so long by the thrill of a new love, the ONE who was good enough in my eyes to be with so soon after a marriage ending. And now I'm just an angry, lonely, lost mess. This sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 1:29pm

Hi izzyblue2006,


There have been so many new faces on the boards, so welcome! if I haven't welcomed you before....


You can vent here anytime you need or want to.