LDR- BF lying about EX- PLEASE HELP ME

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
LDR- BF lying about EX- PLEASE HELP ME
7
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 11:10am

I really don't know what to do right now. The guy I have been dating for 7 months lives VERY far away. He is 25 and I am 27. We have been flying back and forth A LOT lately to see one another. Here's the problem.... He and I both just got out of pretty serious relationships within the past year.His ex cheated on him (he found pics of her with another guy) and I THOUGHT my ex cheated on me. YES YES I DO HAVE A TRUST ISSUE THAT I KNOW I NEED TO WORK OUT. I do NOT talk to my ex for my own reasons. For one- I still have a little feeling for him but KNOW we cannot be together again...but regular contact with him would also mess my feelings about how I feel about my current BF, Rusty. And two- I tried to get my ex back 2 months later but my ex does not want contact with me and cannot get over that I didn't trust him and doesn't want to get hurt by me anymore....and he is in another relationship..anyway...
Rusty and I talked about our Ex's and how we don't like bumping into them b/c it hurts/its weird..etc etc etc..
A couple months ago Rusty was visting me and the day he was leaving to go home he got a text message while he was in the shower. Yes..the distrust monster came out and I looked at his phone with the message "Hey hunny!! How are you doing?? How are things going? Gimme a call".. The text was from his EX who he suppossedly was having NO contact with...
My heart started beating 1000 miles a minute as I read it......
I tossed the phone to him and said "Here...you have a message on your phone"...and asked him what it was all about....He had no reply at that point and could only stand there looking at the phone. I started packing up his things to take him to the airport MUCH sooner then he had to leave. All he could do was sit at the edge of my bed in a towel looking down mumbling "please come here...." but again..had no response to the text message.(you hafta understand that he and I had previously talked so much about the "ex" subject and how truth and honesty was SOOO important to both of us in a relationship)

He started crying and asking me not to do this. He said "Please don't end this..I can't lose you..I don't know why I didn't tell you that I talk to her (about twice a month) b/c I still have her stuff at my place....I wanted to hear what she had to say to me since she was the one who broke my heart...etc etc..." My reply was.."How many times did you need to talk to hear what she wanted to say to you/get satisfaction of her wanting you again...and WHY did you feel that you couldn't tell me about it...the one person who just went through the same thing and would understand." On the car ride to the airport (which was not easy to even get him into the car to leave) he looked at me with tears and said "I love you..please I don't wanna go anywhere."

I was so furious that I felt like the words were meaningless and seemed like the right thing to say at that time to him.
LONG STORY MADE SHORTER..(sorry about the book)..I was able to give him another chance BUT made sure he knew that he COULD talk to me about what he was feeling and that he DID NOT need to lie to me when it came to his ex gf. I told him that lying to me only makes me conjur my own reasons as to why he his hiding contact with the girl who he says he can never be with again.

I just got back from seeing him last week....and yes..I peeked at his phone cuz I got another funny feeling in my gut. There were text messages from a "nickname" about meeting one another sometime next week.(I checked the phone some more to find that he had changed his ex's name in his phone) I asked Rusty later on if he had any contact with his ex after he finally asked her to get her stuff out of his place 3 weeks prior (which btw did not go well as she yelled at him and said some pretty nasty things to him). He said No..
I said "but she still has some of your things...don't you want them back"...he replied.."It's just stuff"...THEN...i asked...who is "nickname".. He said: Someone I met at the bar....(he just kept lying ..n lying...getting me MORE pissed off). I pretty much showed him his phone AGAIN and proved that it was his ex. He again tried to grab me and said "come here..stop freaking out and listen". I DID NOT want to hear ANYTHING and at that point knew I was STUCK there b/c flights were booked for the holidays. He said..."yes I want my stuff back and wanted to know how she was doing, and thought you would freak out even if I told you that....I SWEAR i don't know why I lied to you b/c there is nothing going on...please believe me...etc etc."

He opened his heart to me and started telling me all sorts of things about how he needs me ...how I am the only one who makes him want to be a better person...he told me stuff about his mom that I couldn't believe he told me....(as MAD and HURT as I was..it felt genuine...that or I am the biggest sucker that ever lived). I am trying SOOO hard to get rid of the trust issue I myself have ..but I feel like I am letting too much slide when I keep in mind that I need to trust in him more. I DON'T know WHAT TO DO!!! The worst part about this whole thing is that in the good moments of us being together..I think I have fallen in love with him... I am holding back SO much of my heart b/c I don't want to have it hurt again. Please help me...I don't know what to do anymore. I know the distance thing is horrible and he wants me to move there...BUT PLEASE !!!! HOW CAN I EVEN THINK about rearranging my life for a guy who feels he needs to lie to me about his ex...and WHO KNOWS what else!! Its really too soon for either of us to move in my opinion. BUT I cannot go on with these "yuck" feelings I have towards him about his ex and his lies.
HELP...n be as kind as possible in your replies please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 11:50am

I'll be kind, but I'm not sure that there is a way to sugar coat the truth.

Why are you with a man who you know has no problem lying to your face? Why are you with a man who is still in contact with his XGF and hiding it from you? Why are you with a man who then uses that secretive lie to make YOU out to be the bad guy? (i.e. didn't tell because you would freak out) *enter sarcasm* Oh, see, he was only going out of his way to hide it from you (the "nickname") for YOUR bennifit. All so you wouldn't freak out. *end sarcasm* Call me crazy, but if he was so concerned about you in all this he wouldn't still be speaking to her in a manner that has her calling him hunny!! That's a term of affection and endearment. Two things not associated with an X in most cases.

Why are you snuffing out your gut feeling of his infidelity when you actually have proof? Nevermind not trusting him, why don't you trust yourself? So you ruined a good relationship by not trusting your XBF when you should have. So in an attempt to make attonement for that, you'll ignore the real concrete evidence on your current BF's infidelity? You can't make up for not trusting your XBF when you should have by faking trusting your BF when you shouldn't.

I think the best thing for you to do now is "be as kind as possible " to yourself. Take some time to be with alone with yourself and work though your issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:46pm

I don't know...I wouldn't be as harsh as the previous poster. I think you definitely should explain your feelings to him and make it clear that you will not tolerate this behavior--that if he HAS to have her in his life, he better explain why and he better tell you when they have contact. If you must, lay out ground rules--they can't see each other, only e-mail, whatever. But I wouldn't say this is concrete evidence that he's cheating. Four years is a long time to be with someone, and of course she meant a lot to him. That doesn't mean he's not over her or he doesn't love you, just that he cares about her still. It'll fade. Personally, I'd rather be with a guy who can stay civil with an ex than someone who can shut it off or who hates his ex. I think it says something about his maturity level. It doesn't excuse his lying--he should've been honest with you. But if he was honestly trying to protect your feelings, that's forgiveable. Stupid, and you should tell him you're a big girl and don't need to be protected, but forgiveable. You just have to see how it goes and figure out if that's what he was doing.

Just my opinion, though. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:44pm
Thanks Ruby :)
I appreciate your thoughts on this very much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 5:48pm
Hi Cleo,
Both you and this guy your seeing are in kind of bad situations, because you both recently got out of a relationship. I do think he truly cares for you and I understand that it is hard to just completely stop talking to someone you've been w/ for years.
You both seem to be rebounding, although you do both care for one another, and you do think you are falling in love w/ him.
I don't think that he should stay in contact w/ his ex. It'll only confuse him. Sure he still has feelings for her, as do you w/ your ex.
I personally wouldn't want to date a guy who still had contact w/ his ex. It would hurt me.
I think you should tell him that he needs to cut communication w/ her. He should tell his ex that he is in a new relationship and that it is not fair to you. It doesn't seem like she is aware he is w/ you. I do also think that he talks to her a lot because of the distance between you guys (if that makes sense). Your not always there and he's left to dwell on past experinces, possibly because you and him don't know one another as well as you knew your x's.
If he can't stop talking to his ex than I would break it off w/ him. He needs to realize that it is really hurting you. Explain to him that you don't talk to your ex and how would he like it if you did?
I understand Cleo you are hurt, give it time. Tell him you won't put up w/ him talking to her behind your back. She's an x. Your his g.f. I do agree w/ what Ruby said that the feelings for his ex will eventually fade as your relationship grows. And he becomes more and more attached to you.
I really really hope things work out for you Cleo.
Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 7:48am
You may need 'bounderies' that when crossed you know he's cheating on you - otherwise he'll sugar-coat his story so much you'll get confused - ask yourself: 'at this point is he cheating on me??' And also if he'll continue the behavior ... LDRs are tough and you need stricter and mutual guidelines. :) Val
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 10:20am
I think your boyfriend truly cares about u....I mean if he didn't care he wouldn't start crying and begging u to stay with him. MEN Don't CRY so I know that he probabaly felt bad for lying about talkin 2 his ex....but the only reason he stills talk 2 her is because he needs some closure....in some ways he felt rejected and hurt by his ex because she had cheated on him....MEN ARE JUST STUPID but I don't think he ever meant 2 hurt u!!! He wants 2 play games and want his ex to still want him....but in reality he does care about u and will never breakup with u. I mean think about how u were feeling when u and ure ex broke up....eventhough u don't want to admit it....u still want ure ex to pursue u somehow but in reality u would never hurt ure current boyfriend purposely. This situation happen to me to.....MY BOYFRIEND had sent flowers to his ex who lives 2000 milles away!!! I was upset because he should not pursue her in anyway and I DO TRUST him but I know he wanted 2 show his EX that she had broken up with a nice guy and its her lost....as his girlfriend I'm upset because I'm jealous but I trust him....but if u do know that ure boyfriend would never hurt u intentionally..... just trust him... until u know for sure if he had actually cheated
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 12:48pm
Here's my take on this - set aside the cheating issue. You both recently came out of long term relationships. You still have feelings for your ex. He is still involved in some capacity with his ex. The secretive nature of that involvement makes it clear that it is not a straight-up, platonic, "our relationship is in the distant past" kind of involvement. I.e., he's still emotionally involved with her. He may be angry, hurt, and betrayed, but he still has a significant emotional relationship of some kind with her. Emotional relationship with her = no room for full emotional relationship with you. End this, and don't date a guy who's still going through a breakup. This isn't even about rebounding - they're still in contact, still having emotional reactions to each other, still ending their romantic relationship and still creating whatever relationship or non-relationship will follow. They're still breaking up. I say, don't fixate on whether he's cheating, because he may actually be totally honest in saying they're not having sex or looking for a future together. But even if he hates her, his feelings are consumed with *her,* not with you. That's the problem. There's no room for you.