LDR Breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
LDR Breakup
1
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 3:43am
A couple nights ago my LDR bf and I broke up. We had been dating for 3 months. He lives in Winnipeg and I live in Massachusetts. We had plans for him to move here and live happily ever after. We had so much in common. I have never loved someone like I love him and he feels the same. We weren't looking for anyone when we met. We didn't try to date when we were first talking. It just happened.We shared the same intests. We have the same beliefs about relationships and marriage. We just clicked amazingly. We both kept saying, this is strange because I'm not like this, I don't do this long distance thing but it just feels so right. Alot of the problems lies in the fact that he still lives with his ex gf. They decided they could be roommates after their breakup. I should have known that was going to be a problem but I have an open mind. Everything was great at first. But she started giving him a hard time about various things, pushing his buttons on purpose. He said she got like that because if he was happy and she wasn't, then she would try to drag him down. Then I went to visit him in Winnipeg and she decided she would be uncomfortable with me staying there and we both agreed, that is understandable. So we stayed at a hotel while I was there. A few times we went to their apartment because he needed to check mail etc, and we made it a point to not be affectionate while there so we wouldn't make her uncomfortable. The night before I left she went to work(works 3rd shift)and needed to be walked to the bus stop late at night, so we got back at midnight and my flight was early so I needed to leave at 4:30 am. There was no sense in paying for another night at the hotel for 4 hours so we stayed at his place while she wasn't there. Then I find out that well after I left she told him she was uncomfortable with my having stayed there for that time when she wasn't there and she gave him a hard time about it. The big big problem which I believe is a huge reason for our breakup came a couple of weeks ago. The ex got a new bf. My bf had been already very stressed out with work, not being able to see me etc. He wakes up one night(the apartment is 1BR so he started making his bed on the floor in the living room after they broke up)and finds her and her new bf making out amongst other things with him sleeping a couple feet away. This upset him so much that she didn't care about his feelings yet gave us a hard time for just being there. She is a hypocrite. He was mad at her for it for a few days and one day she started in on him about something and things were said and she realized he was still mad about her little incident so she said you have til the end of January to move out. So now he is in a city, where he hates his work, has no friends, can't hug his gf, has no family(he is originally from the UK)and now he has to find a new place within a month that he won't be able to afford a phone or internet more than likely. Things started to look really grim to him. I felt totally helpless naturally. Our goal was to get him to move here. He can't do that unless he is able to work once he is here. He can't work without a work visa. He can't get a work visa unless an employer that wants to hire him, applies for it. He needs to look ultra good as far as experience goes for that to happen which is just short on. So things are looking impossible. Then Christmas rolls around and Mom(from the UK) calls him. Then tons of other family calls him and starts begging him to come home. Now he starts to feel like that is the only way he's going to get out of this slump. If he surrounds himself with his family. At first he thought that it would be temporary. But then the more we talked I started to realize he was never going to come back to North America after he starts his life there again. There was lots of crying on both our parts. I truly believe this is the guy for me. I told him how I felt exactly because too many times in the past I kept my feelings to myself and I learned that was wrong. I ended up just upsetting him more. I was upset at the situation. Moving there isn't an option for me. I have kidney failure and recieve dialysis treatments 3 nights a week. I don't work. I'm on SSI. There's no way for me to go to another country and be able to have dialysis. I also have a 5 year old son with another man. I can't see taking my son away from all of his family so that I can be happy. I hate how he has to choose family or me. I hate that I know this is what he needs. I didn't tell him that the first night though. He was upset when he told me he had to go. I told him I love you with all my heart. And he said.. I don't really understand that. And I asked, what do you mean? He said look what you've been doing to me. You know I don't want this. But you never once said I think this will be good for you like everyone else has. And I told him forgive me for thinking my love is better. He got really upset with me and said I'd never say to you that my love is better than your family's. I was completely wrong for saying that. But I was so hurt when this conversation happened. The next day after he got home from work, I had another conversation with him. This time after lots more thinking alone. I told him everything was ok. I told him I'm sorry for hurting him by making him feel guilty for just wanting to take a chance at being happy again and that I understand why he's going. I told him I don't think it will be good for you, I know it is best for you. I told him I know we can't keep going the way we have been because that hurt of knowing we won't see eachother will always be there and a relationship isn't going to work when all we are is miserable. Then I told him, I didn't say this before and I should have. I would rather be your friend than nothing at all. And he said he'd like that. We have been chatting like we always have except we talk about our feelings now and then. It's only been 3 days since we "finalized" the breakup. I can't help but wish that all of this would go away. I daydream about him showing up wherever I happen to be and telling me he could never leave me. I daydream about him telling me he realized he can't go even further away from me than he already is. But these are all selfish. I want the hurt to stop. I've been trying to keep busy. At night, like now is the hardest time because there is so much silence. All I can do is think about how sad I am and how bad I want him in mine and my sons life. We didn't breakup because we had relationship problems. We broke up because we had geography problems. I bawled my eyes out when he said... "why couldn't I find you in my own country." I need help. But its like inside, I don't want to give up on him. I just want someone to fix this for me. But it can't and won't happen. Thanks for reading. Any advice or thoughts are appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: djcheri
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 5:56pm
I'm so sorry to hear about your break-up...it's very sad.
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