LDR - Need Advice on How to Get Him Back
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| Sat, 03-10-2007 - 3:10am |
Hi,
I browsed through this board a few days while waiting for my boyfriend to give up the nagging silence and get in touch with me again. At that time I was not sure the silence would end with a breakup, but yesterday I got an email from him explaning that he didn't want our relationship to continue.
We were in a long-distance relationship, we're from different countries, met each other in person, then carried on by email and IM, I visited him and his family on winter vacation on his invitation and then we got back to emailing and IMing. The relationship was really awesome before and during my visit, but when I got back things seemed different. I felt like he didn't give me as much attention, which was especially hard to bear after the 10 days when we were together all the time during my visit. It's important to say here that he is still a student, and the best part of our relationship was when he was doing an internship abroad. I know that he never was fully in love with me, at least not in the sense understood by most people, but he definitely acted like that. He acted so caring and considerate as none of those that had been in love with me before, he said things that made me happy and excited and thinking about the future with him. He did consider the future together, he thought he would fall in love over time and he wanted to see me for winter break to make sure we got along well in person too and that we were a good match. During my visit he told everyone he is my boyfriend and kept this after I came back home.
After winter break he came back to school. I attributed part of the change in his post-visit behavior to the change of the environment, that is, return to school activities (he's very involved in many things) and obligations. His mind is set on a career and it's important to him to do very well in school and in all related things. However, I felt like I needed him to know that things had gotten worse. I often asked him for more attention, talked about how things between us changed and sometimes my messaged were pretty emotionally charged. I might have been pushing him to stronger actions or statements. He got very confused about it all. About a month ago I was so upset that I tried to break up with him. He accepted it although I know he suffered and was hurt but I was so scared of what I did that I sent him a follow-up email saying that I'm taking my words back and I don't want to lose him - the pain was simply unbearable. He seemed to agree. After that, things never were the same. In our IM conversations we felt a little awkward, he didn't say anything affectionate or send me kissing emoticons like he used before. And about 1,5 weeks ago he really withdrew from me - didn't reply to some text messages, wasn't online, didn't email. And then I got his email.
In his email he says that his refusal to continue the relationship comes not from any rational reasons but from his feelings. He says that although he didn't want to believe me when I said that things were different between us, he now realized it was true. He says that the few last times that we talked online, there wasn't much to talk about and he didn't feel as connected as he'd like to, that he doesn't think of me as often as he should and doesn't miss me as much as before. He says that he remembers the many amazing moments we had and how great I was then but that it's not enough. I know that he still wants to be 'friends' and in touch. He said this in the email and also said it many times before when we touched upon the break-up issue. He said a few times that me cutting off the contact would be the worst thing that could happen to him in life because of all we had before.
Now, why I'm writing this is I need advice on how to get him back. I know that a lot of replies to this post would tell me to move on but I can't. He means too much for me, I feel like he is perfect for me. When he was taking his unannounced time-out, I bought Brian Caniglia's book How to Get Back Your Ex (which was discussed in another thread on this board). I think I will follow his 'plan', which basically consists of keeping no or minimal contact over a month or so and then gradually edging back by having short light-hearted conversations and eventually asking your ex on a series of dates. During the month of NC one is supposed to work on self-improvement and socialize with other people. The only problem here is that I can't set up a date with him, we're too far physically apart. Please let me know what you think of it and if you think this is a good idea or you know better ones. I know this came out long and thank you so much for reading this but I realize there might be more information required, so I'd be happy to provide it.
Thanks tons for your comments and advice.

Hi katia and welcome to the board.
I know you don't want to move on, but you do want the relationship to be mutual don't you?
Hi! Sorry to hear about your loss and pain. But frankly, I think this is a good time to focus on your own needs in a relationship to understand why 1) you would start a relationship with someone who is not in the same location so by definition is not available for a real relationship and 2) why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? In the past I have struggled with these issues and have come to address my own conflict and commitment issues. Healing can only begin when you accept the relationship is over. Getting someone back doesn't fix the problems, it only fills a hole in your heart. When we're hurt we'll do anything to get that person back just to end the pain. But it's not a solution it's a band-aid.
Also, you wrote: "He did consider the future together, he thought he would fall in love over time and he wanted to see me for winter break to make sure we got along well in person too and that we were a good match. During my visit he told everyone he is my boyfriend and kept this after I came back home."
One way to look at this is that all along he knew that as a long-distance relationship the chances of any success were slim, so he kept his boundaries and perhaps you let your own guard down by falling too quickly without understanding the risks to your emotional health.
One book to read is "He's Scared She's Scared" that looks more closely at commitment conflicts and drills down on how long-distance relationships are often based more on fantasy and promise rather than reality. Because of the distance of the two partners it always seems perfect and intense because of the built-in edginess of one partner always being ready to go.
I can appreciate the pain you must be going through but there is a life beyond this situation and you can only find it if you look inside at your own feelings, motivations and potential commitment fears and start looking at partners who are more available.