LDR: Times are Changing

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
LDR: Times are Changing
1
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 7:47am

Hello,

I have a boyfriend that is in Grad school, and soon he will be applying for his PhD. His schooling is going a lot better than mine. I am at a state school, still working on my undergraduate degree, and I've had to abandon my original goal of becoming a doctor because of economic reasons (predatory loan, and Im basically living off of $10 per month in food stamps). I'm in a considerable amount of debt. With that aside...my boyfriend is soon going to be choosing a PhD program to go to. His choices include a college very close to us and a couple of colleges the next state over - he'd have to commute every day on a train to get there. Originally we talked about it and he told me without a doubt that the closer college was his first choice. Now that it is time to apply, however, he's telling me that the further one is the one he really wants to go to because he's "changed his course of study" and the further one is more tailored to his specific interests.

The reason we picked the closer school was because we were both having a really hard time with the long distance thing - especially me. I've told him many times that it is really hard for me not to be around my boyfriend all of the time. I cry a lot about it; he didn't want me to be sad. The closer school was decided upon "for the both of us"; we needed to be closer together and work on our relationship too. Going to school at the farther school will allow us to see each other on the weekends, but not nearly as much as the closer school.

There is another issue at hand - I am choosing to become a teacher instead. This will allow me to work with children (which I like) but also to be flexible in terms of moving with his occupation (I told him this). I came to him the other day with a great discovery - there is a way that (if I choose to live in RI) I can have my loans paid off for me by working in urban schools. He knows that I am living in poverty right now and I thought he'd be really happy for me. Instead, he first gave no answer, then told me to ask my cousin (who also did the program). Eventually he said that he just can't make that commitment to stay in RI four to eight years down the road. I am living in poverty right now. I am paying for college on my own and have no outside help from family. Loans are eating the money up that I use for food and clothing. I thought he would be SO HAPPY for me. What is wrong here and why am I feeling left out? What should I be thinking, or am I thinking too much into it? He says I have been thinking too much into things lately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 8:32am

Oh girl!

I can totally understand with you. I too have been in a four year long distance relationship which just recently ended. It wears on you. It's all you can think about. Your right he should want to move to the closer option and he should be totally happy for you. However, you need to step back and understand how you look to him. You’re at a low and most likely a little depressed. I was there too once. Its ok you are allowed to be like that sometimes. I wanted to move to be together and he said he wasn't ready. The best thing to do is not too stress. Realize that even if he moves closer to you, you will still have to deal with your own problems right now. Make sure you are being yourself and try your hardest not to be down in the dumps every time he calls. You see guys want there freedom. They don't want to feel like they have to do something or they will totally run the other way. If you let them decide (even though you know what they should do) then they will feel more secure in relationship. Let him come to you. No pressure! If he doesn't choose to be closer together then show him how independent you are. Show him you can live without him and he will only want to be closer together. Girl this is your time to be STRONG. I do understand and trust me if you pull back a little he will come around. I bet you’re the most amazing person and right now is probably one of the hardest times in your life. Just remember who you are and that he can not fix everything for you. He also can not make up your mind for you. Do what you want and if you are meant to be together he will come around.