LEARN FROM ME

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
LEARN FROM ME
9
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 12:28pm

I wax and wane between do I want to try and be friends with my ex of 3 weeks or do I detach and apply the well respected No Contact (NC) rule many here follow. My head says NC and my heart goes with the call. So we talk ALL week 3 and it is hunky dory and then today one little comment he made about the women he is having a fling with set me to pieces. I was crying for ONE HOUR on the phone.

Don't do it ..learn from me, it's true, it wreaks havoc on your heart trying to be friends..

I told him not to call and same for me..I pray I have strength NOT to call. What do I do when I am tempted?? It is so hard.

Thanks everyone..sigh...tearssssssssss

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: wannaheal
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 4:04pm
I totally understand you calling him - I did the same thing. The pain and anguish is SO strong at the moment before the call that you can not even breath so you take the plunge and make the call. Unfortunately there is nothing he or you could say that will make hanging up any easier. Even if he said he wanted you back you would be in misery over that. You will be weak, I will be weak, the key is to have a plan set in place in case you are weak. Unfortunately for me, I did have a plan but chose not to implement it because the anguish was so bad that I HAD to call him to hear his voice. It was like a dose of drugs when you are trying to quit. The WORST thing you can do is call him, I can't ephasize that enough - I just don't have a fool proof answer for you on how to stop yourself. If you hear of any good suggestions I would love to hear them. I can already feel myself getting weaker and it has only been a day since I talked to him. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: wannaheal
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 5:10pm

Thanks for the kind reply. I feel hungover today and I do not drink. I cried for 3 weeks and well, frankly am fed up with this feeling. It's over so time for me to get a grip. I will do my best not to call. Anyone want to me my email buddy I email instead of calling??Haa..

You truly can relate can't you?? It's rough..

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: wannaheal
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 5:25pm

Things I've done to not call:

1. Post here.

2. Call a friend.

3. Call another friend ;-).

4. Look at my list of index cards (see the post on thought-stopping) to remind myself why he's not a good match for me.

5. Read my journal entry about how crappy I felt after the last call (if I've broken down and called).

6. Say to myself "not today"...i.e, take it one day at a time. I can't commit to not calling him tomorrow but I *can* commit to not calling him right now.

7. Make a commitment to a friend or my counselor not to call for X days.

Hope some of these will work for you!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
In reply to: wannaheal
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 9:52pm
I didn't read what other people replied to you, but if it's a repeat that'll be ok :)
My ex was everything to me for a long time. We were really close friends for 3 years before we started dating and then we were together for over 3 years before we completely ended things.
No contact was the single most difficult thing for me. DAILY, little things would happen and I would want to call him and tell him SO bad.
You know what helped me?
I would get on the computer (if you don't have access, just write with pen and paper) and type out a nice, long email telling him everything I wanted to say. Sometimes they were angry emails, sometimes they were emotional, but most of the time they were random about things that I'd heard/seen/experienced... Then, when I was completely through I would address the email to myself and send it.
Amazingly enough, even though I felt nutty for talking to myself, it helped immensely! I never called him and I still felt like I had gotten things out of my system.
Good luck!!
Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
In reply to: wannaheal
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 1:10am

It can be very difficult not to call an ex after a breakup.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: wannaheal
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 5:56am

I appreciate ALL of these emails. I have become so insane whenever I do talk and after feel like a shamed little girl. It's all OLD inner child stuff but nevertheless, it is hard and bad after for me.

Last night I went to bed at 8 as I have not slept for weeks. Woke at 2:30 and briefly recalled it is his night that he goes dancing with her. I didn't ruminate and fell back asleep til 5:30 AM. Thank GOD. I needed rest.

I have been away (we split while I was visiting family/friends for 4 weeks) and head home today. I will not have the chance to see him til Friday and doubt I want to see him then. It's a VERY small town and his family and are very close. He and his Dad built my house and we have done holidays and family visits for 4 years. I feel shakey and weak after this ordeal but will maintain nc for the week. Cannot say about the week he is in town for vacation but once he returns the 15th, I can get back to the NC rule. And will relish it. It feels SOO MUCH BETTER everyone, even after 20 hours. Trust me..NO CONTACT is the way.

I love the email ideas. That will help. I have a sense of pride now too having lost my marbles a few times on the phone.

Peace to all. Wish me luck. I send it back to you all who struggle as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: wannaheal
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 8:35am

i'm not an expert at this nc thing...i just started that not too long ago, and my break up was a year ago. i am an expert at how it feels when you do have contact, and like you explained, it wreaks havoc on the heart...i went through that for a year and i always try to tell people to try not to make the same mistakes i made too. for me, my ex never told me about any other woman/women in his life, whether it was a fling, or more serious, he would not tell me even if i asked because he knew it would hurt me, so thank God i never had to experience that....sometimes i wonder how that would feel because i hear a lot of people on here talk about them finding about their ex being with someone new, and i think that would really drive me insane, it hurts just to imagine it. But, it still hurt soooooo much everytime i would see him or talk to him because it would feel like old times, and it would make me miss our relationship more. you asked what you should do when u get an urge?.......the only thing that has worked for me, and it sounds harder than it sounds, but i'm sure you can do it......when i get an urge...i have to kind of take a step back, breathe, and REMEMBER how i felt ALL the times i saw him or talked to him. So, when you get that urge, think of the moment where you cried your eyes out for an hour. i hope that helps.

take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: wannaheal
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:27am

Since my last mental phone call where I cried for an hour and asked everything in the book about his new fling, I have decided NC is best. And it is. Out of site out of well..not entirely but if I am not in touch I cannot know what he is doing. If I called and he did not answer the phone I would obsess on what he is doing. Now, I have no clue and I really do not care.

Part of me whats to know the depth of his fling..how he feels about her and what not..but then how does that help me? We are over, I do not want him back and will not ever be his F&^% friend. He wants me and his playmate. NO WAY..how demeaning. So there is some strength within..I just need to reach down and find it.

Thanks everyone..it is hard imagining him with someone. I could have someone but I am not into flings at this stage in my life and it would not help me any. I need to sit with this sadness and grieve and get back to me.

Peace

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
In reply to: wannaheal
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:06pm

Hi,

I just posted about the book: Great book ...It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy by Greg Behrendt

I just read a chapetr about no contact for 2 months. So far I am on day 3 and they said in a survey, that all agreed "no contact" was best.

Big HUGZ!