learned from breaking NC rule
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| Fri, 12-16-2005 - 7:06pm |
After I broke the NC rule, I saw my ex on Tuesday. It was nice to see him again. He invited me to his new apartment. Nothing happened. I was thinking whether he respects me or he is not interested in me a sexuaul way. I wanted to believe that he was showing the respect because he didn't want to hurt me. We took pictures while we were decorating the xmas tree. Today he sent the web link to the pictures. I also checked his website and saw other picture links. Then I found about this girl. I couldn't believe seeing some pictures of him and her. I totally believed him when he told me that this break up was nothing related to other girls. I guess I was just a fool to believe him. They seemed really close in the pictures. I didn't want to know that he had already seen someone. I guess I'm paying this because I contacted him. If I kept NC rule, I wouldn't known anything and moved on sooner. Now I'm hurt so bad...having a bit panic attack. I called some girlfriends but couldn't reach them. I just went to see the therapist yesterday and went better this morning, but now I'm feeling horrible...
I wish I could scream at him, but it won't help anything, but make myself miserable...

Oh, I'm sorry you had to experience that. And I'm sorry that your friends aren't available to talk but glad you posted.
I'm a little unclear as to why you decided to get together with him. You're obviously not ready to be friends with him, and as was discussed in your previous thread, you can't get comfort from him because he's the reason you NEED comfort. I'm not saying this to bash you or anything, just to understand why you thought it was a good idea to get together or what you hoped to get from it.
Sheri
I think you just succumbed to a moment of weakness and I'm sorry that it only created more pain. We all get the urge to break the no contact rule and it's not easy to resist that urge. Look at me, I had to leave town in order to stop fixating on my ex! In a moment of clarity just after the break up, I knew that this was a dead-end relationship.
Your mind plays tricks on you when you're in or getting out of a broken relationship. When I was seeing my ex, I felt so powerless against my raging hormones and active imagination. It was when I wasn't with him that things didn't feel right. Right after we broke up, I had a moment of clarity in which I realized what a good thing it was that it ended as quickly as it did. I realized that had things gone on longer I would have only grown more attached and desperate to hold on to him. I also felt tremendous relief that I wouldn't have had to deal with many obstacles down the road (him not having a job, being uncomfortable around my friends, my family possibly not accepting him, etc.) In that moment of clarity, I deleted his phone number from my phone (because of speed dialing, I actually don't remember his number and couldn't call him if I wanted to), blocked him from sending me emails (that way I don't get tempted to write him back should he write to me), and cancelled the face to face meeting we'd scheduled. I knew in that moment that we were not meant to be, in which case there was little point in remaining in each other's lives.
I was also aware in that moment that my judgment might falter in the coming days and weeks, as the reality of being back on my own sunk in. And it was in those days about a week after the breakup that I started longing to have him back in my life. It was also then that my therapist suggested I go out of town.
So now when I get the urge to contact him (at this point all I could do is email), I cast my mind back to that moment of clarity when I understood and accepted the rightness of breaking up. I trust that my judgment back in that moment was sounder than it is now. Right now I'm reeling and a yo-yo of emotions and I know I'm much likely to do something I would regret with my current state of mind than with the one I had immediately after the breakup.
So to resist the urge to see your ex, think back on that moment when you knew and accepted that breaking up and moving on was the best course of action for you. Have faith in that moment and that you had your best interests in mind at that time. Right now you are confused, weak, and vulnerable--one doesn't always make the best decisions in these conditions.
Don't beat yourself up, but do learn from this. Sometimes breaking the NC rule only reinforces one's determination to let go and move on, so I hope the painful experience turns into something positive for you.
I'm still very emotional right now so I'm not sure if I can really sum up everything what I'm feeling right now. When I saw the pictures, anger came first. He always told me that he would be royal to his girlfriend unless that person leaves him. But I guess he couldn't keep his words... I've never met this girl before, but I'm certain he'd met her while we were still together. Confusion and disgust feelings came next after seeing some pictures of him and this girl, and other girls. I've never see him like that. The man in the pictures wasn't the one I knew for 1.5 years. He was just like a dog. Now I'm sooo confused everything about our relationship. I know it's over and I shouldn't look back, but what was it?!?! I guess he just used me, even going back to my home to see my family etc. I'm so confused...
Until I saw these pictures, I couldn't fully understand what some of girlfriends were saying about him. I think I finally get it now.
I don't know what emotion is the strongest right now...anger, confusion, disgust, upset, sad... But I know I learned something true about him from breaking NC.
The man I was seeing also made all kinds of declarations and promises that he ultimately didn't keep. Who knows why. I don't think most men are devious and knowingly say things they don't mean. They might mean it and feel it in that moment, and we so want to believe that they'll mean those things forever. This is why I am so careful about my words, especially when it comes to expressing my feelings toward a man whom I'm dating or in a relationship with.
Perhaps those things he promised are what made you feel good and secure while you were in the relationship. On the flip side, that's why it hurts so much right now. Those things you believed about him did not come to be.
I think you really need to commit yourself to letting go. Those questions are only going to torment you and keep from moving forward.
I'm trying to be very zen about my own situation and realize that ultimately, life is a solo journey. People accompany you on parts of it, long and short, but we're really all on our own. So I believe people enter our lives for a reason and not all of them are meant to be in it for a long time. When I think of it this way, it's easier to let go and not dwell on the past. The man I was with brightened up many moments for me. I'm thankful to have had the experiences that I did. But we weren't meant to be together for a long time. I gained valuable life experience and learned a lot about myself. Sometimes that's all you can ask for from a relationship and once you've gotten that, it's time to let the person go so both of you can continue on your own separate journeys.
That said, I'm still struggling to let go and stop asking what happened. But I do believe everything I said above.
Take care and stay strong. Get out of the house and do something that will lift your spirits.
SBC
Hi Sheri,
When I contacted him last Sunday, I was in panic mood from the stress. So when he agreed to get together, I guess I was a bit happy. But the day we were getting together (Tue), I had a second thought so I decided not to contact him to reconfirm our meeting. Then he called me a few times and asked me if we were still get together and he invited me to his apartment he just moved in. Again my mind was too weak and I was a bit happy to get the invitation. So I decided to see him.
We had nice time. I didn't ask any questions to bring up our past. He gave me small gifts for my parents so I can bring them back to my home (next week I'm leaving for my home for 10 days). He was writing the xmas card to my nephews and asked me what he could buy for them. I felt everything was as same as it used to be, but I knew it wasn't same, but still I had good time.
I got to talk to some of friends last night. We were talking about how good he was hiding the other side of him from his family and his girlfriend. I simply believed that he was a very friendly person, but I didn't know he was also a very flirting person even while we were together.
Sheri, I learned about him from the very hard way, but I had a huge step forward to move on. I'm still im mixed emotion this morning, but I think I'll be able to have a great aloha day today.
Aloha,
Tomo
I understand. It sounds like it was just a moment of weakness but you have indeed learned something from it. Hopefully you can go back to no contact and move on...the trip home will be a good start.
However, are you sure it's a good idea to be giving your parents presents from him? That just strikes me as odd. Could you just send them back to him with a note saying you don't think it's appropriate since the two of you are not together?
Sheri
Sheri,
I was thinking about the gifts he gave. I thought they might be cursed...so I don't know if I'm going to bring them to my parents. The gifts are a large macadamia nuts chocolate box and a box of macadamia nuts, typical Hawaii gift. I may donate to the food bank.
I wish this message community board can get together and eat these chocolate.
Aloha