Leaving self harming boyfriend and moving out... PLEASE HELP!

Avatar for HeartInHands
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2012
Leaving self harming boyfriend and moving out... PLEASE HELP!
4
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 8:46am

I really need help here. I'm 18 years old and I'm living with my boyfriend. He's 21. I love him but I can't be here anymore. I don't get to see my family or my old friends. I've lived here for 6 months. I never EVER went anywhere without him besides the doctors and work. Well, I went out once last saturday with some new friends I made at work. He got to go out so why could I? He cut himself up and destroyed our room. He threw things everywhere. He even drank almost a whole bottle of rum. He's really helped me out of a pinch but now I feel like I'm trapped in a bigger one. How do I tell him I want to move out? How do I take my things with me? How do I get my family to help? What do I do about my job? Should I worry about him self harming himself when I leave? Or should I not care? I need answers quick, please!!

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

HeartInHands wrote:
I really need help here. I'm 18 years old and I'm living with my boyfriend. He's 21. I love him but I can't be here anymore. I don't get to see my family or my old friends. I've lived here for 6 months. I never EVER went anywhere without him besides the doctors and work. Well, I went out once last saturday with some new friends I made at work. He got to go out so why could I? He cut himself up and destroyed our room. He threw things everywhere. He even drank almost a whole bottle of rum. He's really helped me out of a pinch but now I feel like I'm trapped in a bigger one. How do I tell him I want to move out? How do I take my things with me? How do I get my family to help? What do I do about my job? Should I worry about him self harming himself when I leave? Or should I not care? I need answers quick, please!!

You first recognize that while your boyfriend may have issues you're not equipped to deal with, he is also very, very manipulative and uses violence against inanimate objects as well as himself to control your behavior.  Eventually, it'll get turned on to you if you don't leave.

Him helping you out of a pinch does not mean that you now owe him any aspect of the rest your entire life.  There is no tit-for-tat here.

Why would your job be an issue as far as he's concerned? You keep your job--that's how you pay your bills. Do you work with him? If your employers can be trusted, then let your supervisor know what the deal is so that there is someone else looking out for you.

There is a saying: "those who can, do; those who can't, talk". 

Don't say anything to him about leaving. 

Get things together while he's not around.

Open your mouth and ask your family for help and why you need the help.

Please do not speak with anyone who has any loyalty to him because they'll be on the phone to him). 

Little by little, you pack away your things and transport them to where they will be safe.  Remove the most precious things you have at his place first so that if he does go on a destructive tear, it won't be irreplaceable things.

If it looks like he's going to make things dangerous for you to leave, then call the sheriff or law enforcement and tell them you're trying to leave and you fear for your safety so that they can keep him from harming you or your possessions.

Once you've got yourself moved, is when you let him know and you do not give him or anyone he knows any information about where you've gone.  In fact, I'd only let my family know what is up because friends can do some really messed up things behind your back, thinking they're helping you or him to stay together.  As time goes by and this guy get it that you're moving on, you can let them know where you're staying.

 

Avatar for HeartInHands
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2012

<p>Thank you so much for this reply Kendahke1. You have no idea how much this has helped.</p>

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

I'm glad it helped you. Be safe! Smile

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You could also call a domestic violence center near your house for advice & help--even if he hasn't actually harmed you yet, someone who is so unstable might harm you.  the fact that he never let you go anywhere alone is a sign that he has the potential for violence.  Also, are you afraid to tell your family?  Were you in a bad situation there?  Unless you were, I'd say call your parents & tell them what is going on & ask for their help.