Left hanging and wondering where we are?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Left hanging and wondering where we are?
17
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 9:48pm

Sorry for the book girls but here goes........

I have been in a 6 month serious exclusive relationship with a girl.
For a little background info, We have both been married and divorced twice. We both have young adult childred from our former spouses....While I'm fully past and moved on from my former marrages she has suffered the lost of her father and the breakup of her 2nd marriage (of 17yrs) within a 6 month time frame.....This all happened to her 1-1 1/2 years ago. Needless to say she was being treated for major deppression.. She and I did some causual dating with others before we met 6+ months ago...

We really hit it off immediatlly were able to share feelings openlly and were very comfortable together. Spending a lot/most of of our free time together was a mutually agreed upon situation.Dinners, just hanging, weekends........Very nice

To spare all the details, we fell in love within a couple of months. Really becoming somewhat of a family and including each other in family functions. We still live in our individual houses but spending like I said most of our free time together. Thanksgiving past then Christmas together as one big "extended family".

During this time,we were able to really communicate thoughts and feeling about our relationship as well as former ones. Her former ones were somewhat abusive compared to mine
While we both have experiences being cheated on by spouses...Hers was the most recent and very devastating to her. She had/is having trouble getting past the hurt, some trouble sleeping, some self medicating (wine)....

Fast foward to the present...
Within the past 2 weeks, we have gone together on an overnight trip to New York City w/ her 15 yr old son during winter recess, have had a wonderfull lunch date, dinner out, dinner at her place with our kids.

While we were in NYC her college age daughter who was left in charge of "watching" the house up and left without warning to go to Florida on her own little vacation. Leaving house and pets unattended.Basically quitting school and leaving her job etc so mom said that when she gets home she out after pulling a stunt like that........ So that left a blemish on our otherwise great trip.

Heres my dillemma.....

After me taking one night off to stay home for the night , I have been given the silent treatment from my girlfriend. I called her to let her know that I was staying in for the night and she stated that she "has been living like she is married but she's not" That she needs to figure out her priorities but she's not sure what they are..that she doesn't want to "hurt me" That she needs a little time to figure things out...

Well its only been 5-6 days of not seeing/talking to each other but it FEELS like a lot longer. I totally understand the issues/stress/depression going on in her life right now BUT I feel that she's blowing me off. Maybe even breaking up with me without coming out and telling me?!?!

I've respected her by not calling her to bug her about US even tho it hard not knowing what will happen to us...

Does it sound like she's ready to break up OR does she just need a little time alone dealing with these personal issues of hers ?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 10:17pm

"to resume
a normal routine with her at your place.
Allow the lady to lead this dance...okay?" Not sure what youmeant by Allowing to lead the dance but heres how it went...Short story....Please inturpret for me...

We had a nice typical home cooked dinner the 3 of us (her, her son and myself) pleasant.

Hung out together, then she asked for us to talk, yep, felt like a sheep going to slaughter.... We did talk for over an hour and it boiled down to her liking, needing, and wanting freedom right now but she's "not sure that she's making the right decision"??!?!? Says shes not sure but needs to put herself firtst for the first time in 43 years (her age btw)I'm 42 :)

Realy spent some quality!?time tonight had it not been for this break up issue. Go figure! (and she didnt actually come right out and say that she want to break up but I feel she didnt need to say those word.
The look in her eyes spoke loud enough, she acted and looked as though she is sorry for hurting me in this way but chose to regardless. Hoping to still be friends blah blah. I told her that I couldn't answer that at this point.

After many mutual hugs and even kissses (some in front of her son)it was time to leave and she mentioned that I had some clothes there if I needed them or want to leave them there. I asked her what she wanted and she said it was my choice. Prob made a mistake but said to leave them. I guess the clothes are symbolic cause as I drove away I thought should I go back and get them and BE DONE or leave them?. I returned and foolishlly stood in her kitchen trying to decide again whether to take them or leave them...and I left them again. I drove away and came home

I have to stop there. I'm rambling

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:02pm

I know from our past discussions that no one and I seriously mean no one ever treated her as good I have. She admitted this herself. By this I mean loving her, respecting her,appriciating her.....

I think it scared the heck out her in the long run and she could not handle it. That is what I believe.
Why else would she "go over it 5000 times in her head" whather she's making the wrong decision?

Oh well, I gave it my best shot......

Avatar for moet1118
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:44pm

I hesitate to open this note by calling you by your chosen member name because I think you're a very considerate, good natured guy.
What I was trying to convey earlier was to be patient,leaving any pressure to resume regular outtings, trips, etc. at your doorstep before meeting your lady friend tonight.

I'm sorry it did not go as you would have liked; But you actually have more things to feel great about than your hurt will allow you to right now.
1. The flowers halted 5 to 6 days of silence
2. You received a dinner invitation
3. A Call letting you know they were running behind schedule
4. Quality time
5. Long awaited 'touch therapy' HUGS & KISSES
6. An explanation *Very Important*
7. And she gave you an option to retrieve your clothing or leave them

I'm a mother of 2 teenage sons. (who still, after six years, do not feel comfortable with their mom having male company within the home for dinner, movie night, small repairs, whatever! I believe I speak for most mothers when I say; Mom's rarely encourage an evening with a gentleman caller if she were going to shut the door on the relationship.
She mentioned her son would be happy to see you. Meaning he missed you to some degree and (reading between the lines) There are some positive things being said between them about you and the relationship.
Believe her. Trust her. Allow her the time she needs to become confident in her emotions. Give her the space to proceed at her own pace (lady leading this dance)
Don't retreat licking your wounds about tonight. I believe the above 7 things are all good signs.
Moet~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 2:44am

Thank you Moet,
Good point about finding her "new found confidence". And yes, she did say her son has missed me during out week apart, asking her where I have been, She told him that she need some time for herself....

At one point during our talk, she did mention that " she may feel differentlly when her son heads to college or maybe next week" she really didn't know. How ever, I'll try to let her lead the dance and try very hard to not step on toes.

This all might change tomorrow BUT I couldn't help but notice some things such as my toothbrush still in the same odd little spot in the bathroom, my picture still on the fridge, some of my laundry was in plain view in her bedroom, as well as some still left in the 2 drawers that I used whhen spending the weekends.. etc.....

Leave things to fate I guess.




Edited 3/10/2006 3:03 am ET by bozo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 9:54am

A male friend of mine is going through a situation similar to yours. He is a very good-looking, professional, established man with a whole lot to offer a woman and he's fallen for a woman who is so-so in the looks department, has a potentially fatal illness, and is on medication and in therapy for depression. He is SO good to her, comes over and helps her with her meds and takes care of her when she's not feeling well -- all in all treats her like a princess -- and she just goes through phases where she can't handle it. For a month or so they'll go full-force, practically living together, then she'll freak out and tell him she needs time. All her life this woman has been attracted to jerks and now she's stumbled upon this guy who treats her like all women should be treated. But for whatever reason her self-esteem is low and she can't take it.

The simple truth about women is that we allow men to treat us the way we believe we deserve to be treated. It's not a conscious thing and often the reason our self-esteem is low is because we've always been treated badly. So when we do find a guy who's good to us, who doesn't put us through all the drama, we don't know how to handle it. It terrifies us because we just don't feel worthy of it all. All my young life I dated jerks but my first true love was SO good to me. He treated me like a princess. Same with the next man I was with (for 10+ years). So now I just expect more from a man. I keep shaking my head, trying to figure out what's wrong with these men who leave you waiting by the phone or don't compliment you or whatever. If more women would get to know themselves and stop lowering our darn standards, men wouldn't be picking their noses on first dates with us. They'd be on their best behavior. But, thankfully for them, there are enough women out there who believe they should be treated like crap so if these men ever grow up enough to marry, they can just grab one who thinks really lowly of herself and live unhappily ever after. Don't change a THING about yourself. But if you are really determined to have this woman, just hang on because if it's anything like what my friend has been through for the last year, you're in for a bumpy ride...

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 1:05pm

hi bozo63

oh well i think your right you did your best shot!!!! now your nxt step is to move on and like you mention your 42yrs old TIME IS CLICKING!!! YOU DONT WANT TO WASTE EVERY SEC OF YOUR TIME WAITING FOR HER....YOU DESERVED BETTER!

IT SEEM TO ME THAT YOU ARE A GOOD GUY..STOP WORRYING THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON! YOU JUST NEED TO OPEN YOUR EYE....BELIEVED ME THAT RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU IS JUST OUT THERE!

GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 3:46am

2 last questions...

1. Should I go get all of my stuff (clothes mostly) from her place?
She left that decision up to me as I was leaving after out talk/dinner the other night.
I didn't know what to do then and I still dont know.......

2. What do I do if she calls/contacs me later?

These are 2 of the things on my mind now........

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