Left me to go back to his pregnant ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Left me to go back to his pregnant ex.
6
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 1:37pm
I'm so hurt and confused right now. I was seeing a guy for two weeks, and it's the happiest i've ever been in my life. I never used to believe in falling for someone after such a short time, but we had so much in common, and i really connected with him. We both felt like we'd known each other forever, and i know he wanted to be with me.

I really tried to hold back from getting too involved, and I told him several time that i didn't want to go too fast. When i met him, he had broken up with his ex of three years for four weeks. He told me that he didnt' love her anymore and didnt' want to be with her, which is why he left her. Four days ago she went to see his mother, and called him up crying after, wanting to meet him. Three days ago he told me that she was pregnant, and he was going back to her to do the right thing.

I feel so devastated. He kept telling me that he wasn't rejecting me, that if this situation hadn't come up, he wouldn't even be considering being with her, but he wants to do the right thing by her, and he feels that he would be letting so many people down if he doesn't stand by her.

I know that to everyone reading this i must seem so stupid to fall for this, but even though it was such a short time, it was a really intense experience, which was mainly propelled by him. I really tried to hold back, but I was so drawn to him. I never usually date people in the first place, but when I first met him, it was instictive, and not in a sexual way. I'm just so hurt and confused and I need to know how to forget about him. I can't cope with loving someone who isn't with me, not because they don't love me, but because they're trying to do the right thing. Please help me. I've just started a new job and I need to focus on what I'm doing but I don't know how, and I don't feel like I can tell them what is going on in my private life. I need a miracle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 3:03pm
Please somebody reply to this. I feel so pathetic sitting here. My internet access has been cut off at home, and I've been sat in this internet cafe for 2 and a 1/2 hours trying not to cry, and trying to get inspiration from other people's messages. I'm not doing very well. I've just taken his number off my phone, which I know is the right thing to do, but I'm tired of crying.

I really cared for this man, and I know he felt the same way about me. He treated me so well, better than anybody has ever treated me before. I fell for him not because of the things he bought me or the did for me, but because he wanted to do these things.

I know he was really genuine with me, and i know that if it wasn't for his ex being pregnant, we wouldn't have split up. The day he told me he said that he wasn't rejecting me as a person, he had to be there. He spent the whole time trying to make me feel better, and telling me that he knew i would find somebody who would be able to treat me the way that i deserve to be treated.

I really wish i had never met him, because now i know what i'm missing i finding it hard to cope. It's like somebody showing me a picture of what i could have had.

Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 4:15pm
Okay, I'm not really sure what to say. I don't want to minimize your feelings, of course you're hurt and upset. Particularly if you let yourself get physically and emotionally intense with him in a very short period of time, this can seem like a big loss. I think that's the key, though - this is more about you than about "love." I don't believe you can be in love with someone in a couple of weeks. What did you really know about him? You may have fallen into a pattern that lots of women fall into - you consider sex to be a very emotionally significant activity, so if you're having sex, then you must have intense emotions about him, and you're hurt and upset that he's broken the connection and made what was for you a very meaningful experience something cheap and casual. I think it's that that you have to deal with, more than anything. You feel like the rug was pulled out from under you, but that's because you were moving way too fast in this relationship. You can't give your heart, soul, and body to someone you've only known a couple of weeks.

In the future, you have to get better at being more protective of yourself than this. Yes, in this case, the reason for the breakup seems tragic, but honestly, two weeks is well within the initial evaluation period, most jobs have a longer probationary period than that, early dating is supposed to be a time when you are evaluating him, determining if he shares your goals and values, and if he is good enough for you - you're not supposed to be handing him your heart on a silver platter. And, honestly, he should be taking responsibility for his baby, and he may still have feelings for the baby's mother if he's willing to go back to her, so it is best you discover all of this shortly into dating, rather than months or years later. You will survive this, even if you're feeling heartbroken now. And you need to change your patterns a bit. Read some self-help books on relationship co-dependency (do you need a relationship, and move too fast in one, because of low self-esteem?), and even try reading Dr. Laura's 10 Stupid Mistakes Women Make to Ruin Their Lives, or Why Men Love Bitches, there are plenty of books out there that emphasize that dating is about being choosy, and this initial dating period is for evaluating him, not for uncritically handing over the keys to your soul, so you aren't in a place like this at two weeks (because lots of dating excursions will end within a month, you may be disappointed it didn't work out, but you shouldn't be devastated if you've approached it in the right mindset).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:11pm
I'm sorry that your experience was cut short. Unfortunately, the pregnancy is a bitter reminder that you met a man fresh out of another relationship:-(

The first phase of a new relationship is always the best part. I'm sure most of the posters here would agree that when our relationships began, we were all on cloud nine. It takes time to love and learn someone. Many of the posters here have known their ex's for YEARS, and they still didn't KNOW what they were capable of.

Although this is a disappointment (and in no way am I minimizing your experience or your pain), be thankful this was only two weeks, and not two months or two YEARS. In time, your heart will heal, and hopefully you will find someone else without the baby drama.

In the meantime, please find a shoulder to lean on - a friend, relative, confidant. We all need that when our hearts are hurting.

Best of luck to you!

-Izuri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:11pm
I couldn't agree with Izuri more. This guy must be fresh out of a relationship if he got someone pregnant. Therefore, staying in a relationship with you may not have been what was best for either of you. I am a strong believer of not jumping right into something new.

Also, although you really liked this guy... 2 weeks is not too long. It takes months, years to truly get to know a person. Although it seems so hard right now, it will get better.

Also, think of how the other girl must feel. Let's say that you were in a longterm relationship, broke up, and then found out you were pregnant. How would you feel if your ex decided to stay with someone who he had met two weeks ago?

It is probably better that this guy is out of your life anyway. Just quit worrying about him and get on with your life. You have your own life to live. You have many more opportunities to come.

I am sorry that you are sad. Hang in there and stay busy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 11:47am
I am living the exact same thing. His ex of almost a year is a month pregnant. We had been together for nine months.

I am feeling like a fool...And devastated that he slept with her while being with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 7:22am
Thank you all for your replies. Reading through them really made me feel better, and helped me to put things into perspective a little bit.

Milton, I think you really hit the nail on the head when you said that this is more about me than it is him. The more i thought about why i was upset, the more i realise that this is a lot more to do with where I'm coming from than where he is going.

I was in a really emotionally abusive relationship for two and a half years, and when he broke up with me, he basically left me feeling like everything that had gone wrong with us was my fault. That was a year ago (the day actually came and went while i was with this new guy), and i still feel like crap. Andrew is the first person i've been involved with since my ex.

The thing was when i was with my two week man - see how i'm working on distancing myself from him;) - i didn't even consider my ex at all. I didn't feel guilty for anything, or like i'd ruined anybody's life. i felt like i deserved to be happy. so i put far too much into it, and i got too involved, which i now know.

i guess i now just need to work on getting myself sorted out so that i don't get this whole co-dependency sh*t going next time.

Anyway, i just wanted to say thank you to all of you for posting your messages. It was all very helpful, and made me realise that i'm not alone.