Left me to go back to his pregnant ex.
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| Fri, 08-27-2004 - 1:37pm |
I really tried to hold back from getting too involved, and I told him several time that i didn't want to go too fast. When i met him, he had broken up with his ex of three years for four weeks. He told me that he didnt' love her anymore and didnt' want to be with her, which is why he left her. Four days ago she went to see his mother, and called him up crying after, wanting to meet him. Three days ago he told me that she was pregnant, and he was going back to her to do the right thing.
I feel so devastated. He kept telling me that he wasn't rejecting me, that if this situation hadn't come up, he wouldn't even be considering being with her, but he wants to do the right thing by her, and he feels that he would be letting so many people down if he doesn't stand by her.
I know that to everyone reading this i must seem so stupid to fall for this, but even though it was such a short time, it was a really intense experience, which was mainly propelled by him. I really tried to hold back, but I was so drawn to him. I never usually date people in the first place, but when I first met him, it was instictive, and not in a sexual way. I'm just so hurt and confused and I need to know how to forget about him. I can't cope with loving someone who isn't with me, not because they don't love me, but because they're trying to do the right thing. Please help me. I've just started a new job and I need to focus on what I'm doing but I don't know how, and I don't feel like I can tell them what is going on in my private life. I need a miracle.

I really cared for this man, and I know he felt the same way about me. He treated me so well, better than anybody has ever treated me before. I fell for him not because of the things he bought me or the did for me, but because he wanted to do these things.
I know he was really genuine with me, and i know that if it wasn't for his ex being pregnant, we wouldn't have split up. The day he told me he said that he wasn't rejecting me as a person, he had to be there. He spent the whole time trying to make me feel better, and telling me that he knew i would find somebody who would be able to treat me the way that i deserve to be treated.
I really wish i had never met him, because now i know what i'm missing i finding it hard to cope. It's like somebody showing me a picture of what i could have had.
Please help.
In the future, you have to get better at being more protective of yourself than this. Yes, in this case, the reason for the breakup seems tragic, but honestly, two weeks is well within the initial evaluation period, most jobs have a longer probationary period than that, early dating is supposed to be a time when you are evaluating him, determining if he shares your goals and values, and if he is good enough for you - you're not supposed to be handing him your heart on a silver platter. And, honestly, he should be taking responsibility for his baby, and he may still have feelings for the baby's mother if he's willing to go back to her, so it is best you discover all of this shortly into dating, rather than months or years later. You will survive this, even if you're feeling heartbroken now. And you need to change your patterns a bit. Read some self-help books on relationship co-dependency (do you need a relationship, and move too fast in one, because of low self-esteem?), and even try reading Dr. Laura's 10 Stupid Mistakes Women Make to Ruin Their Lives, or Why Men Love Bitches, there are plenty of books out there that emphasize that dating is about being choosy, and this initial dating period is for evaluating him, not for uncritically handing over the keys to your soul, so you aren't in a place like this at two weeks (because lots of dating excursions will end within a month, you may be disappointed it didn't work out, but you shouldn't be devastated if you've approached it in the right mindset).
The first phase of a new relationship is always the best part. I'm sure most of the posters here would agree that when our relationships began, we were all on cloud nine. It takes time to love and learn someone. Many of the posters here have known their ex's for YEARS, and they still didn't KNOW what they were capable of.
Although this is a disappointment (and in no way am I minimizing your experience or your pain), be thankful this was only two weeks, and not two months or two YEARS. In time, your heart will heal, and hopefully you will find someone else without the baby drama.
In the meantime, please find a shoulder to lean on - a friend, relative, confidant. We all need that when our hearts are hurting.
Best of luck to you!
-Izuri
Also, although you really liked this guy... 2 weeks is not too long. It takes months, years to truly get to know a person. Although it seems so hard right now, it will get better.
Also, think of how the other girl must feel. Let's say that you were in a longterm relationship, broke up, and then found out you were pregnant. How would you feel if your ex decided to stay with someone who he had met two weeks ago?
It is probably better that this guy is out of your life anyway. Just quit worrying about him and get on with your life. You have your own life to live. You have many more opportunities to come.
I am sorry that you are sad. Hang in there and stay busy!
I am feeling like a fool...And devastated that he slept with her while being with me.
Milton, I think you really hit the nail on the head when you said that this is more about me than it is him. The more i thought about why i was upset, the more i realise that this is a lot more to do with where I'm coming from than where he is going.
I was in a really emotionally abusive relationship for two and a half years, and when he broke up with me, he basically left me feeling like everything that had gone wrong with us was my fault. That was a year ago (the day actually came and went while i was with this new guy), and i still feel like crap. Andrew is the first person i've been involved with since my ex.
The thing was when i was with my two week man - see how i'm working on distancing myself from him;) - i didn't even consider my ex at all. I didn't feel guilty for anything, or like i'd ruined anybody's life. i felt like i deserved to be happy. so i put far too much into it, and i got too involved, which i now know.
i guess i now just need to work on getting myself sorted out so that i don't get this whole co-dependency sh*t going next time.
Anyway, i just wanted to say thank you to all of you for posting your messages. It was all very helpful, and made me realise that i'm not alone.