Left for someone far far away

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Left for someone far far away
4
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 11:17am

I'm really looking for advice on this one... any honest advice anyone can give me.

Three months ago, my boyfriend of almost 2 1/2 years broke up with me. I know that I had said some mean things to him, but I would always try to apologize for what I had said, as they were always said out of anger and not because I didn't love him. ... In March, we had a really big argument... he had really gotten upset at me at that time. He became silent. ... He was always into chatting online. Over a year ago, he had been introduced to a younger girl who lives half a world away... literally. In a country where I do have relatives... We were hoping to visit the country together because I didn't remember much from my only visit there when I was 7, but he was so angry at me that he didn't tell me his parents were going to pay for my trip if I wanted to go. ... I think he wanted to go alone... We had another fight the day he left for the trip, which I tried to call and make up for while he was away... ... he met with the girl and her friends... after he returned (1 month later), he said that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I was heartbroken, I am still. My parents took me to visit that country for a break... just to get away. When I returned, we started chatting more often. We even spent time together. Now, we still chat/talk every so often, but it's clear that he is happy because he is "with" someone else... although she is far far away. Things he says to me: that he still loves me but there's something about her; it's difficult to keep up a long-distance relationship; if it doesn't work out, I'll know who to come to...

He is a very nice person. I still love him very much. I suppose like other couples, we discussed marriage and our future together. But I was sincere in everything that I had ever told him (except for the angry outbursts)... I know that his long distance relationship could potentially work out... and I'm afraid that it will. People tell me that his won't work out... particularly if he says he loves me still. I know that I have made mistakes and that I have learned from them and am learning a great deal of other things in general. I don't want to ill-wish his new relationship... It hurts that he says he loves me as a person and as more than a friend, although I know that I should be happy that he still does...

I just ... don't know what to think. I panic when I feel like our situation is hopeless. At times I just feel more depressed and pathetic... maybe I am pathetic.

Thank you for listening. I appreciate any comments/advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 3:39pm
Don't hold on to the wish that things will work out. I did that for way too long and things got so bad that my ex and I who were friends for 3 years, then dated 3 years, aren't even on speaking terms anymore. In fact, he told me to "leave him alone". It hurts. Much worse than the breaking up ever could have. So don't hold on to him. Let your dreams go as much as you can and move on. One day down the road maybe you'll end up together but don't wait on him. Because if he doesn't come back it'll hurt even worse than it does right now.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 5:05pm

Of course it hurts. The man you have really loved for two and a half years is with somebody else and not with you. It's probably going to take quite a while to get over that type of pain. But you know, you're not going to be able to start getting over him as long as you continue speaking to him and hanging on to every little bit of hope that you can find that he might come back to you. I know that right now having him back is the only thing you really want, and it feels like unless you can get him back again nothing will ever be okay again. But you know what? It does get easier with time, and if you start moving on with your life, some day you will be happy again, even without him.

But you are not being at all fair to yourself by waiting for him to break up with her. Even if he does break up with her and come back to you, you'll just be his second choice, what he settled for because he couldn't find what he wanted with her. Is that really the type of relationship you want? You deserve a guy who after two and a half years of being with you is going to appreciate you more than that.

One of the things that I find a little sad about your post is how you keep putting yourself down by blaming yourself for everything that has happened and then also calling yourself pathetic. I'm not saying you were right to get mad at him for the things you did. But you're human. You're going to mess up from time to time. We all do. You have to forgive yourself. You have to realize that you deserve much more than what you are settling for.

And while you are putting yourself down, you seem to be making excuses for his behavior. Maybe you are right about him being a very nice guy, and he may be somebody who would never INTENTIONALLY hurt another person. But intentional or not, what he is doing to you right now is cruel. He's having a lot of fun with this new girl while you are sitting at home suffering because of it, and then he expects that if things don't work out and he changes his mind, that he can just run right back expecting you to be there for him as though nothing ever happened. That's called taking you for granted. But as long as you're telling him that he can go out and do that to you, you're letting him take you for granted. And who's to say that if you two do get back together, the next time a girl who strikes his fancy comes along, he won't feel it's okay to go out and pursue that and expect you to be available if that doesn't work out? Maybe if he loses you now, then there's a chance he might look back at things some day and regret letting you go. But if he doesn't appreciate you now, I don't think he's ever going to come to appreciate you as long as he can take for granted that you will always be there waiting for him when he wants to go out and have his fun.

I know it's tough having to let go of the dream of the future you hoped for with him. But now is the time to caring about yourself and protecting your own feelings, not just about him, how to please him or get him back as though he matters more than you do. He's certainely not putting your feelings above his own when he is getting all caught up in this new relationship and trying to soothe your feelings by telling you that MAYBE, if you're LUCKY, you just MIGHT get to share in the romance with him again someday. I think I mentioned this at the beginning of my post, but it's worth repeating. I really think you should cut off all contact with him. It's not healthy for you to be torturing yourself by staying in contact with him. Hang in there. I know it's tough, but it does get better. I promise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 9:54pm
omg rosewater..your adviced to her is exactly the same kind of advice i NEED !!!!thank you!God Bless to you all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 9:47pm
Oh, thank you for posting and letting me know that my words were helpful to somebody. I sometimes get scared to post for fear of the negative criticism I might receive from people who disagree with me, but this was something I felt pretty strongly about. I really hope everything goes as well as possible under the circumstances for both you and the original poster.