Left Wondering: What if?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Left Wondering: What if?
5
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 11:07am

Hello so i have many questions regarding my break up i just would like other peoples opinions. Please try to give me the best advice while still being nice. I have been on other forums and everyone was way to critical and didnt take the time to actually answer them instead they just broke down the basic info and threw it back in my face. Sorry if it is an essay i just want to give everyone as much information as possible. 

My boyfriend and i were together for 4 years. He was my very first boyfriend met at 18 and my first for everything else. He had other girlfriends before me but i was his longest by a long shot. We had our major ups and downs in the relationship. We live a good half hour car ride away from one another so during school it was very difficult to see eachother. Once we graduated High school things got really rocky. Our lives began to become very different like our goals (i was going to university he wasnt) We managed to stay together for another 1.5 year but it got to be too much for us to balance it and at the time he was hanging with people i did not approve of and they were always putting ideas in his head to dump me. Well he ended up doing just that. A month later he contacted me and we got back together over time we started fresh or so i thought. 

It was sumer of last year we got back together we saw one another everyday no fights nothing we were perfect even when school started up again we were really good he even wanted me to move in but i couldnt due to me being right in the middle of my studies so we agreed to do it this May. When January came around my ex started to have alot of persnal difficulties he bought a car and was laid off for the winter from his job so was worried about his car payments. He always complained he had no money and i would try to be there for him but not as much as i could be due to school. I would take us out when i could and stay over when i could but it wasnt good enough. We got into little pointless fights about not being able to see eachother as much and when i would see him on some days hed drag me to a friends house instead of spending time with me. But other than that nothing too serious i ignored alot fo his mood swings just because i knew he was going through a hard time. 

On St pattys day is when we broke up. We were fine before that i even asked him many times the few weeks before if he still loved me and he said yes i cant see myself without you im just going through my own stuff. We were fine that day right up until 9pm. I was sick at home with a fever so couldnt attend his moms birthday which he really wanted me to go to and i couldnt celebrate st pattys day with him. I texted him after a nap and he said he was out with friends his dad and a friend lent him money to go out. He said he wasnt drunk and the next time he saw me we had to talk. I asked about what and he said we have been trying so hard to see one another and its just not changing nothing feels different. (we argued about seeing one another more) I told him to be patient and that once school was done wede see eachother everyday because we were to move in together. He then said thats the thing i dont think i can live with someone like you not because we dont see eachother often but because i dont think i feel the same way about you as i did or used to. This got me upset and i lost it i told him i wasnt happy and i was tired of always being the one to try and make sacrafices in my life to see him when he didnt do the same. i told him to not contact me again and that i was better off single. We never talked in person this was over text and he blocked me on fb two days later. 

Well a few weeks went by i was happy going on dates doing my thing then i noticed he unblocked me because pictures he tagged me in popped up again. I joined this online dateing site called plenty of fish and you can view who viewed you and well in the last week its almost been a month since the breakup he managed to somehow find me. I dont know how because there are millions of people and he doesnt show up in my matches. I feel like we need to speak in person about the whole situation.

So finally my questions: 

Why would he take the time to unblock me on fb and find me on plenty of fish its not like a told him i was on the cite?

We have been NC for a month and i want to speak to him not to get back together but to figure out what happened why he said those things do you think this is a good idea or should i wait for him to contact? 

Do you think hell contact even though i told him not to?

And i know noone reads minds but based on the situation do you think he still loves me? And may want to text me but is afraid? 

Do you think i jumped the gun on breaking up with him? Would there have been a chance for us? 

IS there still a chance? we were together for 4 years after all. 

Honest opinions please i really need advice. i dont want to seem desperate or scare him off if and when i do contact him after my exams are done. I just miss him so much for some reason now. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 12:29pm

Hi and welcome.  I'm sorry other places have been rude to you.  None of my answers to your questions are meant to be mean.  I'm being as honest as I can without knowing either your or your ex.  As to your questions:

He probably unblocked you because he realized that he overreacted.  Immature people tend to do things like that, and he sounds like he's not done maturing.

I think contacting him is a bad idea.  It sounds to me like the relationship has run its course.  This is pretty common with young couples.  Trying to analyze it isn't going to help either of you.

I don't know if he'll contact you or not.  If I were you, I wouldn't want him to.  I'd just try to move on.

I don't know if he still loves you.  Maybe.  After four years together, it's hard to cut off feelings.

You didn't break up with him.  The way I read your post, he broke up with you.  He wanted to talk to you in order to break up with you, you just pulled the trigger via text instead of face to face.  Even if you hadn't broken up that night, I doubt you two would have made it work.  Generally, boys take a lot longer to pull themselves together than girls.  He wants to hang out with his friends, he doesn't know what he wants, he's not financially stable.  You are in school working towards your future.  Continue to do that.  Finish school, get a good job, and maybe by then he will have matured a bit.

One other thing, don't be the girl who constantly asks a guy if he loves you.  It makes you sound needy, and I guarantee it's exhausting for any guy to be asked that question over and over.

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult.  Work on yourself, finish school, start your life, and either you'll get back together with this guy in the future or you won't.  Either way, right now is not the time for the two you to be together.

Good luck, though.  I know break-ups aren't easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 12:48pm

Does he still love you? Maybe. Should you two try to get back together? Less likely, but will require a lot of soul searching.

It sounds like your lives are heading in different directions, thus the incompatibility. You are focused on getting an education and putting that first. If you have career plans then your work may also need to come first sometimes and you need a partner, now and in the future, who understands and supports that. Someone who can put your needs ahead of his when necessary, someone who doesn't need a lot of attention all of the time. What does he plan to do with his future?

IMO texting you the "we need to talk" thing while you were sick was kind of cowardly. One could guess how it was going to go. I don't think you jumped the gun, I think this relationship has run its course. Of course you will both be sentimental about it and miss each other sometimes, 4 years is a long time with someone. Sometimes I am curious about old bf's but that doesn't mean we should reunite. My sense from what you posted is that you have matured beyond him.

It sounds like your xbf doesn't know what he's doing or what he wants right now. I think you should give him the space to figure it out. Meanwhile move forward with your life. Date other people, get to know who else is out there so you have a point of comparison. I don't think there is much point in talking to xbf about "what happened" unless you feel certain that you want to try to get together again. Maybe make a list of his pro's and con's to see if that helps. I know the heart doesn't run on logic but it can help to see if there are too many factors going against a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 2:14pm

I know that 4 yrs seems like a long time to be together but there's a reason that not many people end up w/ their first love that they met when they were teenagers.  the end of teen years & beginning of 20's is a time of a lot of changes for people, when they really learn who they are as adults.  You mentioned that your BF isn't going to college and lost his job--look at this objectively and see what kind of a future you think you would have with him.  Now not everyone is made to go to college, but is he planning something else for his future, like learning a trade, or is he headed for a life of low wage jobs?  Do you want someone that you will have to support in the future?  He was also moody and complained about not being able to be with you enough.  Of course everyone gets in a bad mood sometimes, but take it from me, it is no fun to be stuck with someone who is frequently in a bad mood & blames other people for his problems--what was his doing to solve his problems?  And he told you that he didn't feel the same way about you--there's no use trying to hold onto someone whose feelings have changed.  It's pretty common for people to change over time and realize that they need to break up.  He still might miss you sometimes which is why he might have un-blocked you from FB, and maybe he's just checking up on you on POF to see what you are up to.  If he really wanted to contact you he would, but I don't really see much point to it.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 04-19-2013 - 9:10am

He told you he didn't feel the same towards you as he used to. If a guy comes out honestly and lays it out for you like that, believe him. You should count yourself as fortunate that he told you his feelings straight out, you hear so often about how guys do not do this, but keep things inside and/or cheat on you. I believe you should not contact him. If his feelings change he may get in touch with you but don't go crawling back to him. 

As the dating site you visted says, there are plenty of fish out there for you. You are very young. Believe me, you will be able to find someone that will not come with so much drama.You yourself will change over these next several years and you may find what you think you want now, you will not want in the years ahead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2011
Wed, 04-24-2013 - 3:43pm

stop asking why why why!

it didnt work out and it wont work out...

get rid of him, forget him and move on to a healthy relationship...