to let go or to hope?
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| Fri, 03-25-2005 - 3:50pm |
hey everyone,
ive posted a couple messages here within the last few weeks and i used to be a regular here last year...and unfortunately, im back :(
a recap of my situation: i started dating my exbf again in january - and things have been SOOO great. however, i have been scared of getting hurt again, and at last, i couldnt handle my fears anymore and so i snapped on him last monday and we had a discussion about "us" - although he finally told me how much he cares about me - the disucssion went awry nonetheless, and by last weds, - we're "broken up" (again). im a wreck.
he contacted my bestfriend this past monday and explained to her how he cant convince himsef that our relationship will work. he explained to her how much i make him happy, how his heart aches for me, and how he just wants to hug me. but - he says that he cant overcome his fear. he kept telling her all the things he loved about me, and when she played devils advocate and posed the question that i may possibly just not be what he wants - he couldnt agree with her.
then, on wednesday, he messaged me on messenger. at first, he told me about how he has reservations about getting back into our relationship - he's incredibly scared and cant seem to get over his fear. then, the conversation turned into a therapy session where i became his therapist. it became a conversation about what may be wrong with him, why is he like that, how he sees things, how he approaches things, etc etc. some of the pieces of the conversation include: "maybe you can jump back into our relationship, and all the power to you, but i cant, i need time." "its not that i dont care about you, because i do - i like us being together. but i cant get over this right now." then, at one point, i snapped and started crying and crying.
i dont know what to do. should i sit here and just hope that he will come around and get over his fear? should i just move on and cut him out completely? should i give him space and time? should i tell him off?! should i pull a sex and the city's carrie and big?!
i know that he cares about me, and i know how happy i can make him. i know that him and i share something that is truly special, and i know how much potential we have. we are able to interact with one another in such a way that we cant with anyone else. i adore him, and want a life with him - and i love how his eyes light up when he sees me. however, at the same time - if we were truly meant to be, wouldnt his fear go away? if he hasnt decided by now (its been over a week) - doesnt that mean that he'll never come around? furthermore, its not like hes on a limb out there to contact me or spend time with me - so despite how he says to my bestfriend "my heart just aches for her" and how he says to me: "i miss you" - doesnt that tell me that he doesnt miss me enough???
and i just cant grasp this whole situation. last year, when we broke up - we were fighting for quite a bit and it was almost inevitable. however, this time around - we have been nothign but smiles. in fact, the sunday before we broke up - i was at his parents for dinner, and he was SOO happy that i finaly sat down with his folks. we spent the entire saturday together and made dinner, and just held each other while watching our movie. i saw him on average about 5-6 days of a week. we were even planning a weekend getaway for early april. he would do the cutest things for me and it would just mean the world to me. he would message me from work (almost every day) and hed give up bachelor parties and poker games to spend friday nights with me (without me even wanting him to!). then in a snap - he cant convince himself to say yes to us???
im going crazy. i feel not only hurt - and i mean, HURT - but at the same time, soooo confused. i feel like theres this constant burden on my heart and mind. i havent slept since last week and ive barely eaten anything. i cant seem to swallow anything more than juice, and when i wake up - i know that my mind has never left him. i cry, im lonely, and i just ache to laugh with him again.
please advise and comment. any input would be greatly appreciated!
cheers -
eeksj.

Any chance of you convincing him to see a counselor with you? You shouldn't be his therapist, and if there are other reasons playing into his (and your?) fear, a skilled third party might be able to help.
I would ask him not to contact you unless and until (i) he has decided he is 110% ready to be in a relationship with you and (ii) he's been in counseling for at least 3 months to deal with his issues.
And in the meantime, you need to do your best to move on, because that day may never come.
Sorry you have to go through this again...but he's not going to get better on his own, and you don't deserve the roller coaster.
Sheri
You know, I'm sitting here whining about my two week stint. You seem to have a lot more on your plate than I do. I really don't know what advice to offer except to say that I feel your pain and hope the best for you. It's so hard when you don't know what's in the other person's head. We can make assumptions, but that's just what they are, assumptions. And assumptions make an ass out of u and me. (that was clever humor). What I also hate, is guys will say this "YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME AND YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND", then they'll write you off. I don't understand that. Is that just something to make us feel better? Is it a cop out? I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know!
Diana
My two cents... My Ex and I broke up a few years ago. He said he needed time to figure things out. He told me he needed to make himself happy before he made anyone he loved happy, especially me. It was hard for the first few months. At first it was hard for me to let go and I kept in contact with him. When I realized that he really didn't want to see or talk to me I backed off. As the days and months went by it got easier and easier. I started hanging out with friends again, went to the gym non-stop, buried myself in school and work. I was FREE! I made it! I no longer cried when I thought about him. THEN>>>>>>> He popped back into my life. He told me he loved me and always had and asked me to take him back. With little hesitation, I did. We discussed what eachother wanted and needed to make our relationship work. He made me promises I was yearning for, for years. A few weeks went by and he PROPOSED! I was so happy but yet so scared. My gut was telling me something was wrong. I didn't listen. The fighting began not too long after he proposed! Constant friction between us...Yet, I planned our wedding and bought my dress. He began to plan my life without ever letting me in on it. Where we were to go on our honeymoon...NO Discussion! When I was to have children....NO Discussion! Whether I was to work or not...NO Discussion! I am very opinionated and I let him know exactly where I stood on these issues...he didn't like that and he wouldn't budge. I asked for compromises...No Compromising! 7 Months before our wedding he left me. Now I am back where I was just a few years ago and let me tell you it is soooooooooo much harder!
Moral of my story... Do NOT, I repeat, Do NOT change who you are and know that you can NEVER change him. If you decide to get back together, take it SLOW! Do not rush into anything and ALWAYS listen to your gut... I wish I did!