let him know how destructive he is?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
let him know how destructive he is?
3
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 9:52am


i dont know if this is the right board to ask this on. i just came across these boards today and reading them is very interesting. i recently got broken up with by someone i dated for a 9 months. it started out fantastic and over time, once he felt some responsibility to me, he started to try to withdraw, but while doing so he would do very mean things to push me away. he wasn't abusive, but he was emotionally abusive, which i guess is a form of abuse. he would play on my insecurities, do things like give me the silent treatment for days because i would tell him he did something to hurt me, and because i was in such a weak point in my life, going through some serious s*&t, i not only took it from him, but i put his feelings first because i was so scared of losing him during such hard times. i was grasping at straws. he knew that and he kept doing it. he is really messed up and a complete loner. he knows his flaws with dealing with people, commitment, people relying on him, him relying on people, etc. the thing is, i am reading stories here about people not accepting its over when it is. i do accept this is over, but i also cannot accept how i let him treat me for the last 3 months of our relationship. i wrote him a long letter and i want to send it. i know its best not to, but i want him to be aware of how much hurt his screwed up behavior can cause those who love him. whats even worse is after the breakup, he would say even more hurtful things to push me away, thinking i would heal faster, but in fact it has destroyed me and i fear i will never be able to trust someone with my heart again. this is a guy who promised me everything and once the honeymoon phase was over, and he realized he was in a real relationship he bailed. not even that, but he wanted me to bail, so he would do horrible things to me to try to get me to walk. he is 36, single, and never in a relationship for more then a year or two. i dont think he will ever be married or anything because he prides himself on being independant and likes to walk through life alone. can i send the letter? its not mean or accusatory, but i want him to know how his actions affect others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 11:16am

::i know its best not to, but i want him to be aware of how much hurt his screwed up behavior can cause those who love him.

Trust me on this, if you send it, he won't really care how you feel or felt based on his actions and behavior. My guess is that he would be in denial, make you feel bad once again and/or even laugh at you. Abusers to NOT care about how their victims feel. If you got a letter like you wrote, you'd feel bad, regret, ashamed, etc. that you made another person feel that way, abusers don't *feel* the same as you would.

Burn the letter. And if you want a forgiveness form letter to write and burn to help you let go, email me at onetwinflame@hotmail.com


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 7:30pm

Don't send it. These kind of people are like a house of cards. If they really stop and look inside of themselves, they'll crumble. I dated a guy like that for a year and a half four years ago. I was devastated by his cruelty, but I just removed myself from it all and eventually moved far away.

Protect yourself. You will never get him to see how flawed he is. He is afraid to know. He'll just blame you.

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 1:46am

I am so sorry for what you are going through because the situation you describe sounds very similar to mine.

I personally think that it's natural when you don't end things on good terms to want that closure, because that is what I'm really struggling with right now. What you hope will happen if you send him your letter is that you'll get some kind of acknowledgement that he hurt you and that you didn't deserve it. Odds are, though, that in his reality, he doesn't think he did anything wrong. I saw a therapist for about a month, and one of the things I remember him saying is that you can't expect rational behavior from an irrational person. A rational person would feel bad about the things he did to you- even if things between you didn't work out.

Your ex obviously isn't a rational person right now. The fact that he's 36 and not mature enough to handle a relationship means that he's probably got some issues that he refuses to deal with. My ex is 29- and I've been told from his family that they have tried numerous times to get him help (I think he's bipolar- in addition to being a compulsive liar), but he is too stubborn to admit there is anything wrong. I wish that I could do or say something to make him wake up and see how screwed up his life is- because I still care about him and his well-being- but he has to discover that on his own. It's like an addiction- maybe your ex hasn't hit "rock bottom" yet.

I wish I had some advice but I'm still dealing with these issues myself. The only thing I can suggest is going to therapy, because it really helped me a lot. I was (and still am) worried about trust issues and what will happen w/my future relationships, but I do feel that I learned a lot about myself in how I dealt with this break up. Turns out I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was :).

I hope things get better for you- hang in there!

Erica