The Letter Planted a Seed....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
The Letter Planted a Seed....
14
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 12:41pm

Hi everyone and thank you for all the support you have given me, I do appreciate it,

I received a letter from my Ex. and read it today/after 9 weeks of N/C... words filled with "I still love you", "I miss you", "Why can't we talk anymore", "You can call me", "I might start writing you a lot, this way you'll know that I'm thinking of you", signed "Love, JA". I don't feel very good about this, because I think it planted a seed. I seem to be thinking about her again (well today anyway). And her letter was just a vague "I love you", "I miss you". I was actually disapponted that she didn't say anything about getting back together. She even put a bag of starbursts (candy) in my mailbox...Should I tell her to stop all the communication?...it serves no purpose but to open up the possibility of getting back together (in my head) (that she didn't imply anyway) I feel worse after reading this and knowing it's pointless and that our relationship is over...it just reminds me of loss. There doesn't seem to be anything positive about getting communication from her. Thank you.

Eric

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 12:58pm
Eric... Well that is quite a dilemma. You tell her to stop contacting you... you are always going to wonder what she meant by the letter. You ask her about it to get clarity... you might hear something you don't want to hear. So now you have a decision to make. After 9 weeks of no contact, how are you feeling? This letter obviously didn't help, but how were you feeling beforehand? If you were feeling good and happy, I would say let it go and continue no contact. DO this until you are ready to talk to her. You might eventually end up as friends, but right now.. you said it yourself... communication from her doesn't do you any good. But if you break this no contact before you are ready, it could open up a new can of worms and heartache. Believe me... I did this and I had to do another no contact after a week of talking to my exe. But as far as thinking about her goes, of course you are. She just gave you a letter telling you how much she loves you, etc... what a way to rip your heart out again huh? Its funny how people think they are helping by trying to remind us of our old feelings for them. It doesn't make it any better. It just reminds us of the heartache. So good luck with that decision. Don't feel guilty if you just continue no contact though. You have to do whats best for you right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 1:50pm

Hi, Thank you Lindseyloo,

I don't think she want's to get back together. I think the letter is about her missing me and letting me know how hard it is that she can't talk to me. She says she loves me and misses me but there's nothing about her wanting to get back together. She asks about talking quite a lot. There's really nothing for me to do...nothing to respond to...She writes "I just wanted you to know how much I missed you" She says "I still love you" but that doesn't mean she want's to get back together or that the relationship has a chance... I don't see it...maybe I'm wrong.

Eric

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 2:16pm
Yeah, most likely she misses the companionship. Your friendship, etc... If she wanted to get back with you, I think she would state it and make it very apparent that she does. Maybe she feels a little guilty about the break-up and wants to let you know that she does care. But as you said...it doesnt mean she wants to get back with you. Continue moving on. You have already made it 9 weeks. Thats better than mostof us have been able to do. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 4:45pm

Hi,

I went grocery shopping today and when I returned I found a bagful of washed and ironed clothes of mine that my Ex. found in her apartment. That letter has opened up a can of worms...I don't feel I need her communication. She lives directly above me and it's going to be hard enough dealing with that and her new boyfriends. I guess I'm screwed no matter what I do, It's like fighting my way out of a paper bag. She's always going to be there. This whole thing is pretty sick and pathetic.

Eric

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 4:58pm
How much longer do you have on your lease? It might be a good idea for you to move. I know that sounds kind of extreme, but its better than having to deal with everything she is putting you through right now. I wonder what else she will find in her apartment. Maybe it would be best if you just told her that you didnt want any contact, any letters she needs to write... than she can send them to herself and anything else she finds... than to just give it to goodwill. You have made it very apparent that you don't want contact. Sometimes you have to be very very firm about that. I had to do that myself. I gave my exe an ultimatum. He had two choices... he could give me the time I asked for and I would be able to be his friend after awhile. Or he could continue to disrespect my wishes and never talk to me again. He choose the first one. He gave me the time I needed, but I had to be very firm about it. He said he hated not talking to me, but the thought of never talking to me again killed him, because I was his best friend... so he was going to give it to me. After the no contact though, its been really tough. I think he felt really rejected. We are slowly developing the friendship, but its going to take time. She needs to realize that its going to take you some time too, so get that point across. Continue to keep that NC. She probably is just feeling really guilty right now and wants to make sure you don't hate her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 6:15pm

I call this the rubber band theory. Time stretches it to its max and then they drop this sweet nothing in you ear so you beg for them back. You are absolutely right. Nothing in the message communicates much of anything except testing you to see if you are still a fan. Your intellectual analysis is the way to go. Do not read anything into it that is not obviously there. As far as communicating your desire for her to stop communicating I suggest against that plan. Why? In order to do that you must communicate with her. You will be the only one who suffers at the end of your attempt.

It is OK to miss the presence of another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 2:49pm

Thank you everyone for your support,

I just have a question about what just transpired...Me giving my Ex (through her mother) permission to send me a letter (bad idea). My Ex sending the letter...Me reading it...My Ex dropping off my clothes with a letter saying she washed, dryed and folded everything herself :) happy face included. ME SENDING THE CLOTHES BACK TO HER. When she found the clothes I could hear things being thrown, things crashing to the ground and breaking upstairs in her apartment. Now I gave her a mixed signal when I said she could send a letter...was it wrong of me to return the clothing? I obviously upset her. I haven't contacted her in over 9 weeks. Do I owe her an apology for returning the clothing? Or for giving her mixed messages? This is probably one of the most insane things I've ever done. She misses me but want's to be friends. Her mother just went to Washington DC and my Ex. asked her to bring her back a sweater and ME a t-shirt (this was before the clothing incident). I gave her the ok to send a letter not send me gifts and send my old clothes over. I must have given her a message she took as positive and went with it. She doesn't understand that I need to get over her, and I'm not sure that we can ever be friends...I don't know why she doesn't get it..what if I started dating...could she handle being my friend? I guess she doesn't understand that there are no more t-shirts, no more folded clothes or candy, no returns to normality or what was. This is a pretty stark reality for anyone to handle...I think we all would rather do something nice, like give flowers, rather than execute a no communication to someone whom we cared about and loved.

Eric




Edited 5/7/2007 3:51 pm ET by cfrenzy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 3:47pm

Why on earth did you send the clothes back????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 4:56pm

Everyone and Sandradee,

When I saw the clothes, I was angry. I didn't give them back because I wanted to hurt her. I was ticked that she sent me a note with them. I wanted to let her know I wasn't happy with this and I wouldn't accept it. MY BAD... I wish I would have quitely taken them in my apartment...end of problem...but I had to create a drama out of my own spontaneous stupidity...I reacted instead of thinking. I remember saying "What the hell is this!" and then I just tossed it over to her side of the front porch. Very stupid...I guess I can't rectify this situation, the only way would be to apologize, and that's not an option. I can't even say it through her Mother. Is there anyway?

Eric

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 6:20pm
Okay, you should just let it be. You have sent her major mixed signals. Talking to her mom.... slightly awkward. I would honestly break up with the mom too. Its one of the hardest things to do, but breaking up with the family is always a good idea. You got mad because you didn't give her permission to send a note in the clothes, but honestly... the note wasnt a novel. Maybe you just like that control. You gave her permission to send a note through her mom, but when she did it without permission.. you flipped out. Hearing her get mad... now lets be honest... made you smile a little, because you can still envoke a response from her. This is your way of controlling the situation. WE ALL DO IT, so dont look at it as something thats bad. BUT you do have to get out of that habit. So I agree with Sandra... your actions don't match up with your words. I honestly would just continue no contact with no sort of apology. Stop talking to her mother and move out. This will give you the freedom you need to move on. And probably let your exe do the same.

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