letting go for good, a rant

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
letting go for good, a rant
5
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 2:23pm
i should have done this months ago, but...i think i'm finally ready to let him go. i'm terrified because keeping in contact with him and continuing to sleep with him i could keep pretending to myself it wasn't over and that he might realize what a wonderful thing he had and we'd live happily ever after. i've spent the last few months of my life in this delusional state, even before we broke up. i was always hoping it would get better. now i know it won't.
i wish it was easier. i know i'm going to have to start from scratch and i hate it! i wish i had just cut off contact from the start, maybe then i would have some dignity left! i'm so embarassed; it feels like i've just been waiting for him to call, for any scrap of time or attention he would toss my way. i'm tired of feeling like crap. i'm tired of waiting for something that is never going to happen.
i have to somehow find the strength to not pick up the phone, to not run over there whenever he wants me too. it's so hard to have to see him every day! but i will get through this. i have to. that's what this board is for, to see me through every horrible step of the process. thank god i found it. i go from here...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 3:27pm

Good for you for making that decision...don't beat yourself up for your past actions (learn what you can from them and move on). Was it Maya Angelou who said "when we knew better, we did better" or something like that? Sometimes you have to have to TRY something before you can accept that it's not going to work.

As far as having the strength to not pick up the phone, would it be possible for you to block his calls? Doing so has helped me greatly in the past.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 3:31pm
I know, it's really really hard to do. I've been there. I thought I could make him realize how wonderful I am and what he is losing and that I can change his feelings. Later, looking back, and I went and still going through healing, I ended up being angry with myself - that I never stood up for myself and allowed him to step over me. I felt like I was intoxicated... Now I do regret it. THe only person you can change is yourself and stand up for yourself, don't let anyone take advantage of you. It's hard, but take a deep breath, don't let your hormones take over you - think of all the bad things, say to yourself - you deserve more and try to do it. It's really really hard, but just relax and try it. The only thing I can tell you - if you still hope for something good to happen to htis relationship it wont. ANd remember - everyone is treated how he/she allows to be treated. It;s the end, so it's better finish it now than drag something that will just get worse and worse with time later. Really - from my experience!!! Might sound brutal, but safe your energy and time for tomorrow!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 3:48pm
yeah, i know. he's been a dick all day (big surprise). the final straw came when he told me about a group we had seen together performing this weekend.
"you're not going, right?"
so yeah...i think i've had enough. now it's just embarassing. these are the things i need to remember when i start getting these bright ideas in my head that he will ever be anything but a jerk.
i know you guys are right. i've been here before too. i am the only one who can stop this. i will never allow him or anyone else to treat me in such a way again. i choose to walk away from this. i choose to retain what little self respect i have left. never again will i let myself go for so little. thank you. =)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 4:10pm
good for you. you should feel really proud of yourself right now. don't beat up on yourself for your past choices, you're human..and sometimes we just have to keep doing something we know we shouldn't until we finally reach the point where we are truely ready in mind/body/soul/spirit. realizing is the first step, and you've obviously got that down packed now. i think it also shows a lot that you are taking responsibilty for your actions and choices, and not putting blame on anyone including yourself. the fact that you realize you had and still have a choice say's a lot. and even better, the fact that you have decided to make a new choice for yourself shows you're on the right track to healing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 5:06pm

I thought you readers might enjoy this:

THE STAGES OF FORGETTING

1. Wanting Him Back

Fantasy: He returns, carrying roses.
He’s so apologetic he could weep.
He loves you best. He begs you to forgive him.
You buy it. Maybe he’s not SUCH a creep.

2. Wanting Him Dead

Fantasy: He goes fishing, falls in, drowns.
A bus runs over him. It kills her too.
Or maybe you could get away with murder:
Brain him with lamb chops. Afterwards, make stew.

3. Transcendence

Reality: You find that you can cover
The entire bed. You don’t need him to work
The VCR. And what a lousy lover
He was! You smile, and then forget the jerk.

Unfortunately, nothing you can do
Will zap you right past stages One and Two.

Gail White
From: KISS AND PART: LAUGHING AT THE END
OF ROMANCE AND OTHER ENTANGLEMENTS
an anthology from www.ddaze.com