Letting her go? Letting her come back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Letting her go? Letting her come back?
5
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 10:31am

My wife (of 23 years) wants to move out into her own apartment to "find herself" and work through her issues of alcoholism, mid-life crisis, etc.

I would love her to stay at home but she seems determined.

Essentially she's walking out on myself and 3 kids (21, 20 & 17), leaving me to deal with everything.

The question is: if after a time she wants to come back, how should I handle it? Should I welcome her back with open arms? Should I say, "no way"? I do love her very, very much and things are not good at home right now (she's very moody, cold, etc.) as she is dealing with her drinking issue, etc.

I'm confused and looking for any advice. I am seeing a counselor and talking to friends all the time but I'm still at a loss right now.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 10:37am
During this time that she will be gone, are you guys doing joint and individual counseling or is she just "away finding herself..."?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:44pm
Both of us are in counseling individually. She doesn't want to take on any more at this time. Deep in my heart, she wants to be free even though she says that she wants to work it out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 8:39pm
Have you two seen a therapist together? I know it's hard enough to keep a realtionship exciting & fresh especially after the milestone you've both reached however when an abused substance is the third party to a relationship, then the hard times really begin for both you & the other person. I think sitting with a counselor will help you sort out your questions, help you find clarity, & you'll know the answers when the time is right for you. Big Hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 7:32am

I would like to do that but she won't at this time.

In my mind, her moving out to "find herself" is simply a small step toward the ultimate goal (divorce).

She is never home, goes to the bar every night she can (either to work or hang out) and by moving out, she won't have to feel guilty about it.

I'm looking for advice on how to handle this move. Do I help her pack? Do I help her move? What about coming home to visit?

She's putting a great deal of hardship on me by her moving out as the finance are already strained. An extra rent and expenses is not what we need right now.

I need help in drawing a line here. I don't want her to have her cake and eat it too.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 1:11pm

hi parkernet

well you guys been in 23 yrs marriage..so i'm assuming you guys past all the trial came to your relationship...SO WHY NOW? IF SHE HAVE PROBLEM IN DRINKING...YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND HER AND I GUESS SHE WILLING TO CHANGE. THIS TIME RESPECT HER DESICION GIVE HER SOME TIME OFF TO FIND HERSELF. IN CASE SHE NOT REALLY HAPPY IN THE RELATIONSHIP. ITS BETTER TO SET HER FREE. COZ YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIND THE RIGHT LADY TO BE WITH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE..LIFE ITS TOO SHORT. SO ITS BETTER TO BE HAPPY EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT WE HAVE. RIGHT? COZ THINK ABOUT IT HOW ABOUT YOU?

ANYWAYS JUST KEEP ON PRAYING THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY WITH HER. I HOPE ALSO THAT SHE WONT END UP GETTING SICK FOR DRINKING TOO MUCH ALCOHOL. ITS SEEM THAT YOU ARE NICE MAN YOU DONT DESERVED TO BE LONELY. IF EVER SHE COME BACK GIVE HER A CHANCE. "FORGIVE AND FORGET". ANYWAYS THAT WHAT RELATIONSHIP ITS ALL ABOUT!!

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU!!!!