Actually, what I have to say about your situation may surprise the sweet bejesus out of you and a whole bunch of other people. Mainly because they'll be focusing on the fact that he yelled at you and called you names. Which I do NOT condone, nor are they ever warranted or justifiable, however, his behavior shouldn't cloud what you've done here, too. Since he's not here, I'll deal only with what you do have power to change -- your own behavior.
Ready?
The three things you said to him you wanted in a relationship, respect, communication, and support, you have NOT been giving him. Wow. Surprising, right?
Respect: Unless a woman is married to a man, and even then it's questionable, don't "suggest" anything to him on how to manage his finances, his business, his relationship with his mother, anything, unless he SPECIFICALLY asks you for your opinion, and then only give input on that specific topic. It is all about showing the man you respect his ability to manage these things, and that includes spending habits. Unless a woman is in the wife's status, she really is not in a position to tell a man what to do with his money or how to spend it, even if she's doing it as a preventive measure for "the future." As girlfriend, your job and your personal obligation to *yourself* is to ***observe*** a man's spending habits, character, behavior, not change them. All your "offers of help" are not helping, they are emasculating. If he, as a man, cannot take care of these things on his own in a way that you agree with, what are you doing with him anyway?
Communication. When he started shouting, you hung up the phone on him. Now, I *totally* get why you did it, you just wanted the shouting to stop, and no you did not deserve to be shouted at, but back up your words with your actions, girl. I have been guilty in the past of the same thing, hanging up when things got ugly. It does not work and completely flies in the face of what you said you want. I finally learned not to get sucked in to any kind of shouting matches and will count to ten to calm down, breathe deep and calmly say, "I'm not going to participate in this, we can talk together or you can shout alone. Which do you prefer?" And yes, it most certainly works. My boyfriend and I were very fiery, complete with shouting matches and slammed phones and if we were able to change this around successfully, anyone can.
Support. I hear that you're putting yourself out there "for him" and you even stated a couple of times how much of a caring, giving person you are, so I get that, but did you also realize you made a Freudian slip? It was VERY telling. ....."In a way, I think that because I've given him so much, he's lost respect for me and I want to regain that again, I'm a very proud person, but like I said I've been very ***condescending*** to avoid conflicts with him."..... Your actions and words to him have, in fact, been quite condescending and belittling. This will go against pretty much everything you've been taught or have ever known as a woman, but overnurturing a man, doing "so much" for him, pointing out that he shouldn't this or should that, is NOT supporting him. Lending him money when he's down is not supporting him. Reminding him and others of what you do or have done for him is not supporting him. What it all does, actually, is make a man feel like a child, feel mistrusted, feel belittled, feel inadequate. It makes a man act like a child. And that, my sweet lady, does not help him see you in any kind of special light. Everything you "do" for him is completely backfiring on you. How to support: Believe in him, tell him you know he'll figure out a way, and that you have faith in him. That's it. That's all. Sounds too easy but guys really are not complicated.
So, now, I didn't write all that to beat you up, nor to make it as though you've brought this upon yourself, but basically, women have been getting all kinds of bad information on how to really show their love for their man for a very long time and it's time that stopped. The one who is bad for you and your relationship isn't necessarily him, it's actually you inadvertently getting in your own way and him badly reacting to that.
As far as him pulling away, this phone tag you two are playing, well, what do you expect? You've come up with a million and one reasons why you couldn't talk to him, even when he reached out in his clumsy way. Not exactly the type of behavior that someone who professes to love another above all others exhibits. And yes, he's disrespected you by shouting and calling names and he definitely needs to work on that before you get too far down the road, at the same time, you would do well to work on what your actions have been here, because whether it's him or someone else, this will still trip you up, so why not do something about it now? If you work on what I suggested, I can almost guarantee that it will definitely make a difference in how you to relate to each other, and isn't that what relationship is based on, how you act towards each other?
Welcome to the board hotkarina72,
So many things went through my head when I was reading your post.
Hi hotkarina and welcome to the board,
Actually, what I have to say about your situation may surprise the sweet bejesus out of you and a whole bunch of other people. Mainly because they'll be focusing on the fact that he yelled at you and called you names. Which I do NOT condone, nor are they ever warranted or justifiable, however, his behavior shouldn't cloud what you've done here, too. Since he's not here, I'll deal only with what you do have power to change -- your own behavior.
Ready?
The three things you said to him you wanted in a relationship, respect, communication, and support, you have NOT been giving him. Wow. Surprising, right?
Respect: Unless a woman is married to a man, and even then it's questionable, don't "suggest" anything to him on how to manage his finances, his business, his relationship with his mother, anything, unless he SPECIFICALLY asks you for your opinion, and then only give input on that specific topic. It is all about showing the man you respect his ability to manage these things, and that includes spending habits. Unless a woman is in the wife's status, she really is not in a position to tell a man what to do with his money or how to spend it, even if she's doing it as a preventive measure for "the future." As girlfriend, your job and your personal obligation to *yourself* is to ***observe*** a man's spending habits, character, behavior, not change them. All your "offers of help" are not helping, they are emasculating. If he, as a man, cannot take care of these things on his own in a way that you agree with, what are you doing with him anyway?
Communication. When he started shouting, you hung up the phone on him. Now, I *totally* get why you did it, you just wanted the shouting to stop, and no you did not deserve to be shouted at, but back up your words with your actions, girl. I have been guilty in the past of the same thing, hanging up when things got ugly. It does not work and completely flies in the face of what you said you want. I finally learned not to get sucked in to any kind of shouting matches and will count to ten to calm down, breathe deep and calmly say, "I'm not going to participate in this, we can talk together or you can shout alone. Which do you prefer?" And yes, it most certainly works. My boyfriend and I were very fiery, complete with shouting matches and slammed phones and if we were able to change this around successfully, anyone can.
Support. I hear that you're putting yourself out there "for him" and you even stated a couple of times how much of a caring, giving person you are, so I get that, but did you also realize you made a Freudian slip? It was VERY telling. ....."In a way, I think that because I've given him so much, he's lost respect for me and I want to regain that again, I'm a very proud person, but like I said I've been very ***condescending*** to avoid conflicts with him."..... Your actions and words to him have, in fact, been quite condescending and belittling. This will go against pretty much everything you've been taught or have ever known as a woman, but overnurturing a man, doing "so much" for him, pointing out that he shouldn't this or should that, is NOT supporting him. Lending him money when he's down is not supporting him. Reminding him and others of what you do or have done for him is not supporting him. What it all does, actually, is make a man feel like a child, feel mistrusted, feel belittled, feel inadequate. It makes a man act like a child. And that, my sweet lady, does not help him see you in any kind of special light. Everything you "do" for him is completely backfiring on you. How to support: Believe in him, tell him you know he'll figure out a way, and that you have faith in him. That's it. That's all. Sounds too easy but guys really are not complicated.
So, now, I didn't write all that to beat you up, nor to make it as though you've brought this upon yourself, but basically, women have been getting all kinds of bad information on how to really show their love for their man for a very long time and it's time that stopped. The one who is bad for you and your relationship isn't necessarily him, it's actually you inadvertently getting in your own way and him badly reacting to that.
As far as him pulling away, this phone tag you two are playing, well, what do you expect? You've come up with a million and one reasons why you couldn't talk to him, even when he reached out in his clumsy way. Not exactly the type of behavior that someone who professes to love another above all others exhibits. And yes, he's disrespected you by shouting and calling names and he definitely needs to work on that before you get too far down the road, at the same time, you would do well to work on what your actions have been here, because whether it's him or someone else, this will still trip you up, so why not do something about it now? If you work on what I suggested, I can almost guarantee that it will definitely make a difference in how you to relate to each other, and isn't that what relationship is based on, how you act towards each other?
Good luck,
Wow, Sandra, it was really an eye opener, I thank you for your insights on my situation.
I've sabotaged all my previous relationships, if that helps any ;)
Thanks so much, you've given me a much better understanding and some "hope" and I'll try to apply