Little girl involved...helped??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Little girl involved...helped??
3
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:49am


Hi Everyone!! I really need some advice very quickly. I have made such a mess of things. I will do my best not to make this longer than it has too!! Here it goes!!

I broke up with my bf of 2 1/2 yrs 5 months ago. I still love him a lot but don't care to spend anymore time with him. So, I moved back to my home town only to find myself in another relationship 1 month after breaking up with the only man I wanted to spend my whole life with. This new guy is everything I have ever wanted. He shares his things, wants to get married and wants more kids. Right now he has full custody of his little girl. She is so much fun to be with. I love her more than anything.

So, as soon as I jumped into this relationship I thought he is everything I wanted and after getting hurt by the last guy really bad I didn't think I could go wrong with him. Well, I did. I don't love him and we moved in together last month and we can only afford this place together. We also signed a 1yr lease. When I broke up with my first love I was pretty much homeless for 4 months and being lost and everything with my first love I thought I loved this new guy I'm with. But since I had so much going on and my heart was broken and he was the first person to really care I needed a shoulder to lean on. Because he was there for me and I had told him I was not ready for sex all we did was talk and laugh but when our relationship got deeper I didn't feel anything when we did. I KNOW THE LONGER I STAY THE HARDER IS WILL BE FOR THEM AND MYSELF.

This guy I'm with now loves me more than anything in this world. SO does his 3 yr old daughter. I care very much for both of them and have stayed in this relationship for the past 3 months just so I don't walk out like his wife/mother did. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt them. I know it's not healthy dragging them on so I thought I would stick with it and not be happy just so I knew they are both ok. Problem is, I'm not wanting to get out of bed I miss me and I'm only 22yrs old and want a life for myself too!! If I left I worry how he would take care of his daughter. When I leave for just a few hours he feeds her candy, chips, juice and calls that dinner. Does not make her brush her teeth and they sit and watch T.V all day when he's off of work and ignores her when he's watching T.V at the sametime. He loves his daughter very much and the mother is to crazy/left to have her. My Bf mother never took care of him and does not know what it's like coming from a healthy family. He see's no wrong in what he does. He gives her plenty of attention and brushes her hair and they play together. He's not a terrible dad just a terrible MOM. Most dads like to have fun with there kids and not have to yell or be the bad guy but he needs to do both. His daughter is everything to him. He crys at night now since his ex called and says she wants her back. This is just a rough situation and don't want to leave him whens hes going through that either.

The other problem I have is other than not loving my bf,I can't see myself without them in my life either. I couldn't picture not falling alseep next to him or waking up to his daughter giving me kiss's and saying she loves me. Even with still wanting to wakeup next to him having sex with him is good but not meaningful. Our conversation run drys too. Just sitting right now I'm crying my eyes out.... Nothing makes sense. If I can't picture my life without him than I must love him right???

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. I NEED ADVICE AND IF ANYTHING JUST SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

thank you all in advance,

COnfused



P.S WHEN I BRING UP MY FEELINGS OF DOUBT OF LOVING HIM HE TELLS ME I'M STILL DEALING WITH MY EX AND THAT I DO LOVE HIM AND WHEN HE TELLS ME THIS I CAN HEAR IT IN HIS VOICE THE FEAR OF ME LEAVING. THAN HE GETS ME THINKING THAT MAYBE HE'S RIGHT

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 11:18am
Having been in a similar situation recently, I understand your reluctance to leave.

Although, admirable, you are not being fair to yourself.

I think that perhaps you are feeling the need to fix everything for them.

You can't. You can try and you can remain where you do not want to be. But, in the end you may end up resenting them or feeling "trapped".

I think that perhaps they reason that you find it so hard to leave is because, it is simply a comfortable place to be. And, you do not wish to inflict anymore hurt on them than was already done. You aren't responsible for any of the previous hurt, so don't try to "own" that.

You love them both. That's evident.

Have you thought of moving out, to allow yourself more time to figure out if it this is really what you want? If he loves you and wants you in their life, he will understand. Don't be weighed down by the guilt.

I hope that you find the answers you're looking for.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 1:29pm
Thank you for your advice. You are very right on everything you said. I sure hope that I will have the courage to be strong and do what needs to be done. I'm so worried on hurting them. Your right it's not my flaut for there previous hurt. I just don't want to add to it.

Thank you again,

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 6:07pm
I know that sometimes it's harder to do the "right" thing.

Be strong, for you. No one wants to add to anyone's hurt. You are sensitive and caring, otherwise, you wouldn't be so torn.

Take care and I'm sure that whatever decision you make will be the right one.