little long, but desperate for advice
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little long, but desperate for advice
| Wed, 07-04-2007 - 1:47pm |
I was with my boyfriend for a little over 2.5 years. We go back very far -- we actually first met when we were just 8 years old by a mutual friend, and then met again when we were 16-17, and started dating 1 year later.
Our relationship was a little rocky in the beginning but overall, it was magical. We were eachother's first loves, bestfriends, lost our virginity to eachother, i've never been that emotionally and spiritually connected and in love with another person in my life. We did talk about marriage and a long-term future, a lot.
I am one year ahead of him in college, last year when I was entering my 2nd year of college, he was going into his first....going away from home to school. We both go to different colleges, about 45 minutes apart. He told me that we both should try dating around, but not getting into anything serious. He said I was his first "real" girlfriend, and he didn't think it would be fair to marry me and wonder what dating around would be like. It was really, really hard but I respected what he wanted and went along with it. We still talked and got along. The last time I saw him, in March he seemed very distant. He told me he still loved me and I could call him anytime I wanted. The very next night I was notified he had a new girlfriend. I was literally devestated. So much so that I was throwing up, and could not breathe, an ambulence & EMT's had to be called to my dorm. I obviously cried HARD that night, but for a while after that, I was numb and didn't really cry at all.
It's now July and I have not seen or spoken to him at all since that last time in March. I emailed him once in late May and just said "hey, how are you?" but he didn't respond. His Mother and I have passed back and forth some heart-to-heart emails recently, and I am not numb to the pain anymore. I cry multiple times everyday. He said we'd still talk, but he didn't even respond to a one-line email (which I know he read). It just hurts so very bad. His parents we're like second parents to me, and he was my entire world. I wish he would talk to me. My pain is excruciating, and unbareable. I just miss him so, so ,so much. Apparentely he is happy with this new girl but I don't even see how it will work out. He has 3 more college years left (if he graduates on time), she is graduating next spring. She also lives 2 hours away from him, and 3 hours away from the school. I don't know what he is thinking. I think about him all the time...if he is safe, healthy and happy. I just want to be with him and take care of him. I've been dealing with this pain since early March and don't want to keep living like this. I don't know what to do.
Our relationship was a little rocky in the beginning but overall, it was magical. We were eachother's first loves, bestfriends, lost our virginity to eachother, i've never been that emotionally and spiritually connected and in love with another person in my life. We did talk about marriage and a long-term future, a lot.
I am one year ahead of him in college, last year when I was entering my 2nd year of college, he was going into his first....going away from home to school. We both go to different colleges, about 45 minutes apart. He told me that we both should try dating around, but not getting into anything serious. He said I was his first "real" girlfriend, and he didn't think it would be fair to marry me and wonder what dating around would be like. It was really, really hard but I respected what he wanted and went along with it. We still talked and got along. The last time I saw him, in March he seemed very distant. He told me he still loved me and I could call him anytime I wanted. The very next night I was notified he had a new girlfriend. I was literally devestated. So much so that I was throwing up, and could not breathe, an ambulence & EMT's had to be called to my dorm. I obviously cried HARD that night, but for a while after that, I was numb and didn't really cry at all.
It's now July and I have not seen or spoken to him at all since that last time in March. I emailed him once in late May and just said "hey, how are you?" but he didn't respond. His Mother and I have passed back and forth some heart-to-heart emails recently, and I am not numb to the pain anymore. I cry multiple times everyday. He said we'd still talk, but he didn't even respond to a one-line email (which I know he read). It just hurts so very bad. His parents we're like second parents to me, and he was my entire world. I wish he would talk to me. My pain is excruciating, and unbareable. I just miss him so, so ,so much. Apparentely he is happy with this new girl but I don't even see how it will work out. He has 3 more college years left (if he graduates on time), she is graduating next spring. She also lives 2 hours away from him, and 3 hours away from the school. I don't know what he is thinking. I think about him all the time...if he is safe, healthy and happy. I just want to be with him and take care of him. I've been dealing with this pain since early March and don't want to keep living like this. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. It's very, very difficult to let go of someone you feel that type of connection with, someone you have loved for a long time, especially when family/friends complicate matters because you miss them too. I experienced this with both my first love (5 years through middle school and high school), with my XH (Had been friends since HS and were together 7 years when he decided he wanted a divorce), and am now struggling with taking "space" from my current BF of a year (friends since HS, reunited long distance for 2 years before he returned home a year ago when we started dating).
So, trust me, I KNOW what that's like. I no longer speak to the HS Bf (though we talked occasionally for years after), and have no contact with XH (though I have occasional contact with his mom). In both instances, I had a very difficult time losing the family connection too, so I understand your desire to be in contact with his mom now. But after a while, I realized that, while it sucks, my connection to her is through him and it brings me back every time I talk to her, and it would leave me feeling worse afterward. I have pulled back and I think it's better for me. Maybe less contact with his mom would be a good thing.
As for all of your hurt over the XBF who wouldn't reply to your email, I would recommend checking out the "thought stopping" and "Zen of Doing Nothing" posts here, which I was just referred to myself and found to be helpful already. I KNOW it's very difficult not to agonize over it whenever you have the free time to do so. I have this compulsion, probably because of how things ended with the XH, to UNDERSTAND everything, and it drives people nuts. I have been told I "overanalyze". No kidding. Most of all, it drives ME nuts. I am working on letting go of the need to control the outcome and how HE deals with the space, because, let's face it, I CAN'T. So WHY ponder what he's thinking, feeling, how he's doing, WHY this, WHY that...
The best advice (easier said than done, I KNOW) is to focus on YOU. Dont allow him to control your thoughts. Get it out (see Thought stopping) and get on with your day. Get busy even if you don't want to. Just remove yourself from moping position. Try to focus on ANYTHING else. Think about things that DO bring you pleasure. Anything big or small. A friend recommended last night I get the book of 1,000 Things to do Before You Die, and I think I'll check it out and start thinking about what *I* want out of my life that does NOT involve a partner (because we CAN'T plan on having one- that we do not control). I am also thinking of starting a gratitude journal. I think I have focused much too much on the negative aspects of myself, and him (trying to "fix" everything) and need to instead get positive and get happy. Because no matter how you slice it, dwelling is NOT fun and though you need to cry and vent sometimes to get a release, constantly thinking about things you can do nothing about is really a waste of time. And don't we have better things to do with our lives? He's out enjoying his life, why shouldn't you be?
E.T.A. I know you are young, so it may be your first serious relationship and the pain seems it will last forever, but obviously from what I wrote, you CAN move on and love again. The pain DOESN'T last forever. But one quote I love (not sure who said it) is "Time heals NOTHING. It's what you do with that time that counts". So if it's spent moping, reminiscing, hurting, focusing, FEELING BAD all the time, you are standing still. You MUST get yourself up, dust yourself off, and start moving forward for YOU.
Hugs,
Michelle
Edited 7/4/2007 2:16 pm ET by michelle76nj
Oh, and one more thing...understand that it IS difficult to end up in a happy marriage with your FIRST love. I was the first serious relationship for my XH, and 2nd for me, and I do think, looking back, we were too young at 24 to have gotten married, but too inexperienced (hadn't explored yet who WE were and what we wanted individually) to know better. Not that we were a bad match, but I wonder, had we gotten married later in life if we would have been MUCH better off, having known other people and figuring out who we were as separate people. I now recommend to anyone who will listen to be glad to be young and single and selfish for a while before finding that guy to settle down or be serious with. Discover YOU first so you can make a better choice when the time comes.
Oh, and it's not unheard of to find eachother later. It could be a matter of timing being off. I connected with my current BF at our high school reunion and we got to finish what we had started during high school (he was a close friend and we always had chemistry and "more" on a break with my HS BF, so it was always a "what if" thing). Don't give up hope of ever speaking to the guy again...I am sure he will contact you at some point. Get in touch with your fabulous self first so when he does, you will be sure of whether or not you want him in your life. Take back control of you.
PS- You should be proud of yourself for staying so strong and only contacting him once. KEEP IT UP!
Michelle