Lived together, over after 4 yrs HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2006
Lived together, over after 4 yrs HELP
3
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 3:14pm

This is a long one but i really need help.

I'm 22 and my ex is 25. We dated for 4 years while we were both attending different colleges (me in boston and him southeastern MA). We've both dated other ppl in the past and the start of our relationship was as friends and it was spontaneous. I would definately say we had a great relationship and did lots of fun things during those first couple years. Last July we signed a lease for an apartment and during this past year I feel like we haven't done all the fun things we used to. He has never lived on his own and he has to commute to Boston every day so he gets home kinda late. We have had fights like every couple does but I feel like we always let it escelate into something so big he or I want him out of the apartment. We end up saying hurtful things neither of us mean and someone usually leaves or it just never ends pretty. This didnt happen often but it did several times. Since we live an hour away from our hometowns he usually just drives home after a fight. Argh.

We are both alike in the sense that we don't have big groups of friends and we don't go out partying or clubbing and stuff. I like outdoorsy stuff as well as he does but he is more into sitting back and relaxing. We have the same sense of humor but with all the differences that exist between guys and girls - he keeps things inside and has trouble expressing himself and I can't stop. He has always had a tendency to just walk away or leave if there is a tough moment or bad conversation and it only makes me feel worse. I end up gushing about how sorry I am and so on.

He left last Thursday night after a fight and this time didn't feel like the rest, I knew it was over. We have been in contact since then, I dropped off some of his things Sat. morning and we hugged, kissed, i cried and he held me and said it was going to be OK. But after talking to him later that day he says that he doesn't know if he wants us and doesn't know if he wants to make it work. I felt crushed because I really love him and think he's a good compliment for me and I definately wanted it to work. I talk to his mum and she says he isnt talking at home and of course, just like MY mum says, just let him be and such. And I am close to his family. I wanted to move with him closer to boston and get a bigger place so that we wouldnt be on top of each other all the time and we could both enjoy the city together and seperately. This last fight happened because he's been skeptical about living together again and he got home that Thurs night and the first thing he said to me was "Have you been looking for another place yet???". I am wrong in that I have been trying to just dismiss his comments and talk about the good stuff that would happen if we were to move somewhere different but i guess he was really just not for it at all.

I am very scared and sad. I have noticed he has been going to bars and hanging out with his work buddies in Boston some nights while I just sit home. I got my Boston partying and craziness out of my system in college but I think our lives have switched situations. I do love to go out and have fun and I still plan on moving into Boston but he is just back at home. He has been on myspace non-stop and its just pissing me off that he seems so distant to me one minute and then i feel his warmth the next. He called last night and he seemed sad like I was and we talked about where I would live and with who and we even discussed how it would have been to get a place together in Boston. We both told each other how much we loved each other and I told him how i've been coping living in the apt each day with everything reminding me of us. Its unfair that he is home away from this and has support from his parents right there.

I don't feel hungry, I feel alone and rejected and I want to go back in time. I cry at work liek everyday and I feel foolish and totally depressed. One minute I am OK and the next i'm balling in the car. I bought some relationship books and I was positive when talkign to him last night agreeing that we needed space and I didn't want to force anything and I only hope for the best between us. All true but I still can't help feeling selfish that I just want him back now. So a month and a half left to go in the apartment that reminds me of my broken relationship :o( And of course I feel like I will never get over this and will never find someone like him again. What the hell do i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 3:27pm

You have lots of hugs and hankies here!!
He sounds a lot like my ex! Up to the point of the contact, mine won't even speak when we happen to be in the same room (which only happens once a week)
I have found that these boards are a great support!! Read as much as you can.

Other than that, you know that you can't change things or people. Life changes, not always as we want, but usually as we need it to. (I know, not easy to hear)

Cry to whomever you need to as long as it isn't your ex. I think the best thing for you is to stay away from him. No messages, no txs, no drivebys. It doesn't matter if he is going to bars, dating, staying home miserable. If he is not with you, he is not yours now. Do what you can to remember yourself and love yourself again. Channel all of your pain and hurt into something else. Try painting, writing, exercise, reading, whatever. Watching movies at home every single night helps too when necessary!

Don't beat yourself up about this, I know you feel like your world has ripped apart, but you'll make it through. If he and you are meant to be, it will happen even if you move to another country, so don't put yourself in a holding pattern waiting for him to change his mind. (not an easy one for me to remember most days but I'm getting better!)

((((((Hugs)))))))
I'm saying a prayer for you. Hang in there!!!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 3:43pm

I know it's hard, but continuing to talk to him regularly is just going to make it worse. You need to turn your focus to finding a new place to live at the end of your lease (I hope you're not really considering staying where you are). Get a friend or two to come over and help you pack his stuff away as out of sight as you can so you don't have the constant reminders in your face.

Keep any contact to the minimum about logistics...and only when absolutely necessary.

Those are the biggest things right now--minimize contact, and focus on finding a new place to live.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 11:29pm

thanks for the response.

its been a long and tough day
its nice to hear from a 3rd persons view especially when a friend can be bias
i appreciate the help and i agree - NC is just very difficult to stick to!
i know he isnt the one but i keep feeling so stuck. i cant wait to be myself again and its tremendously difficult living in our first apartment where we fought and he left (as usual) while he gets emotional healing by being away from this. i think i will end up the stronger one, i always have been actually.

i know what i need to do - i just cant wait to be able to do it.

thank you again!